"I'll add that the behind steel walls portion is unnecessary. I'd combine it with the second sentence.
Aiden is the Artificial Intelligence and Robotics Lab’s greatest creation, but something went wrong—Aiden's thoughts…"
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Eliza Tilton replied to lindsey frydman's discussion TO SAVE MY LIFE - Lindsey Frydman in the group Query Kick-Around
Heather Strum replied to lindsey frydman's discussion TO SAVE MY LIFE - Lindsey Frydman in the group Query Kick-Around"Hi Lindsey,
Sounds like a fun read, with some interesting tangles! Here are a few comments:
Aiden is the Artificial Intelligence and Robotics Lab’s [DON'T SUPPOSE YOU COULD SHORTEN THIS TO "AIDEN IS THE ROBOTICS' LAB'S…"
lindsey frydman replied to Heather Strum's discussion Realistic MG: THE BEACH-BUM INVENTOR in the group Query Kick-Around"Hey! Here are some of my thoughts. I hope they help. :)
Twelve-year-old Jordie Hodgefeltner knows when the janitors have been extra-thorough. That’s because he spends every lunch period in the bathroom stalls, hiding out. No friends,…"
lindsey frydman replied to Amy Trueblood's discussion FIGHTING CHANCE - YA THRILLER in the group Query Kick-Around"I really like your query and it sounds like an interesting story. Hopefully my comments will help you fine tune it!
Out of control. That's what everyone calls black belt Nica McDonald. (Nice hook!) After almost killing a boy in her…"
Amy Trueblood replied to lindsey frydman's discussion TO SAVE MY LIFE - Lindsey Frydman in the group Query Kick-Around"Hi Lindsey! This sounds very cool. I just have a few comments.
Aiden is the Artificial Intelligence and Robotics Lab’s greatest creation, (Great Hook) (hidden behind steel walls - this threw me off - not sure you need) . But something…"
lindsey frydman commented on AE Rought's group Query Kick-Around"Hi! I'd like to schedule a query. :) Thank you."
lindsey frydman joined AE Rought's group
Query Kick-Around
Query need work? Hankering for a second (or third, or fourth, et al) opinion on it? Well, you've come to the right place! Once a week, we'll post a query, offer opinions and discuss ways to improve it. Queries accepted from Premium members ONLY.See More
Brian Carman replied to lindsey frydman's discussion Uncovered-- Lindsey Frydman in the group First Pages (Crit Group)"Blurb
Hmmm...I can't decide if your blurb gives too much info or not enough. It definitely gives it in the wrong place. I thought this was regular fiction at first, but the last line hints at paranormal or sci-fi. Yet, I wasn't given…"
lindsey frydman joined Georgia McBride's group
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StaffNicōle Olea left a comment for lindsey frydman
"We’re happy you’re here and know you must be eager to get started. We’ve prepared a NEW MEMBERS WELCOME PAGE just for you--please be sure to visit there first to help acclimate you to the site, community and content. You…"
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- At 10:02am on August 8, 2012,
StaffNicōle Olea said… We’re happy you’re here and know you must be eager to get started. We’ve prepared a NEW MEMBERS WELCOME PAGE just for you--please be sure to visit there first to help acclimate you to the site, community and content. You will also find links to FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS, ABOUT US, COMMUNITY RULES and MEMBERSHIP INFORMATION helpful. As YALITCHAT.ORG operates on a tiered membership structure some of our services and groups are available to those who have a TIER II level membership. For more information, please visit the MEMBERSHIP INFORMATION page. If you have any questions, please let me know. Otherwise, we invite you to introduce yourself in the Meet and Greet section of our forum! Have fun getting to know YALITCHAT.ORG, and our various groups! Our Group Coordinators and community leaders are always here to help if you need it.
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