"Trinity -- I hadn't read Mari's suggestion before, and now I see that I like her final line --> "She is haunted by the ocean that drowned her brother, feels trapped in her bereft family and is battling her fear of water."
Just some suggestions:
In a tiny beach-side town, a family struggles to cope when the eldest son dies. 16- Sixteen-year-oldcompetitive swimmer LUCY and her family struggle to cope after her brother dies. , haunted by the ocean that…"
I love the premise of your story. If I may point out some things. You want to grab your reader from the beginning:
Maybe try something like this for your opening paragraph?
16-year-old LUCY, a competitive swimmer, suffers a panic attack at…"
"I think what confused me was the line about her heart pounding so hard she was glad for the pills but then she wondered if her heart was pounding so hard because of the pills then she takes more pills to stop her heart pounding that morning. Does…"
Thank you all so much for your help. Unfortunately I had to send it off already haha.
I've attached what I ended up going with but I will definitely take your suggestions on board for any further submissions. Again thanks heaps!!!"
"P.S. We call an aunt "aunt" here, except for Dorothy who referred to hers as "Auntie Em" -- but that was in the 30s. Maybe it's a Australian vs US thing...
P.P.S. I'm a genre writer, not contemp, so my suggestions may…"
"I liked the changes you made at the beginning, but I think you can even be more concise and take out "without his last breaths". I also think that the last line in the first paragraph seems a but contrived and think you would do…"
"Hi Trinity! (Sorry this took so long. I didn't get a post that you'd updated.)
Big improvement here. I’ve tried to tighten it up for you. Watch out for many paragraphs beginning with “Lucy.” Try to change that up a…"
"Hi Laura :)
Thank you so much for taking the time to help me. Your comments helped me get my head in gear.
I've rewritten it please tell me if it makes more sense :D
p.s synopsises are hard! good grief I had no idea haha
I like the premise very much and I think the synopsis covers the most important points.
However, I was confused about a few things.
1) It wasn’t clear at the beginning why water means so much to Lucy or that she’s a…"
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