"I think there's a lot of potential here!
In the first paragraph, everything is clear until you get to "It’s that or suicide. Everything changes the day she encounters Lucas." The connection between the two is not clear but even…"
"Let me start by saying that this sounds like a really fascinating book and one that I would want to read. There's obviously a lot going on in it, and that causes problems for a synopsis. When I was working on synopses for my book, I…"
"I was going to post my own reply and then rwead over LM's here and she already said everything I would say! I think you capture the voice well here, create suspense, but some more active or intriguing words (Like what she hears her mother…"
"Hi Stephanie! I wanted to comment on your first five, but the discussion was closed. Asswaffle and King Snobhole immediately reminded me of Chuck Wendig, which is a level of snark hard to attain. I very much enjoyed it, and would look forward…"
"Hey for your query in the submission mailbox there are a few sentences that don't make sense. (Btw your first 500 is awesome, love the protagonist).
"But rumors about his potentially scandalous make her start to think that there’s…"
"I love the way this query is written. I especially like the descriptions at the beginning, though like Sarah, I'd suggest trimming it down a tiny bit. Not too much though because I love the contrast. Also, can I just say that I…"
"First off I would read on and on just for the voice. Georgia has awesome energy and personality!
Unlike what someone else said I didn't find the present tense confusing and I don't think it's detrimental. Many books are written in…"
Some gem lines here : look that would wilt lettuce - great!
You've raised some good questions and I would read on to find out more. The 'why' at this point is always a good thing.
I agree with whoever…"
Hi Stephanie! I wanted to comment on your first five, but the discussion was closed. Asswaffle and King Snobhole immediately reminded me of Chuck Wendig, which is a level of snark hard to attain. I very much enjoyed it, and would look forward to reading more eventually!
That's great about getting your pages critiqued! It's been so long since I've been to a conference where there were in person agents available. Enjoy it!
About exchanging ms...I thought I wrote you a message, but can't find it now, so will repeat it...just in case I didn't.
Love to exchange how much and wherever and whenever you're ready to begin. If you have half of Snark done, we could exchange that now or even chapters. Let me know what works for you.
Oh, and here is what I've been tearing my hair out over this pm...
Awaiting any pearls of wisdom you care to drop...
A teen discovers sexual harassment is rampant in her school, then must struggle over whether to kick ass and lose the boy she's been crushing on, or stand by and watch others get hurt.
When shy, seventeen-year-old Jane Lloyd's law internship is cancelled, Jane's only option for getting into Columbia University and carrying out family tradition is winning the lead in the school play. Her drama teacher announces the play this year is JANE EYRE and that it's a good example of sexual politics. After Jane wins the lead, she discovers Dr. Kate Millett's work on sexual politics, feminism, and male sexist behavior. That opens her eyes to the sexual harassment happening in her school. She becomes a hero for other girls when she goes against her usual shy, self-absorbed self and stops a sexist male student from groping her. When other girls ask her for help so they won't be groped in school and "ridden" on the dance floor, Jane helps them stage a protest to stop one of the worst gropers.
But harassment isn't just a subtext in the play or a horror for other girls. Her co-star, whom she's been crushing on, tries to force her and other girls into having sex. Now, she faces a major decision—play JANE EYRE as written or publicly humiliate her co-star and risk losing admission to Columbia when a member of the admissions committee appears in the audience.
here I am again...I see you're a member or crit seekers...are you looking to get your revised m.s. critiqued? Do you want to exchange ms? Looking for a critique of both PERFECT EQUATION and DRAMA (used to be JANE EYRE, BEWARE).
Oh, and I also read your article on your web site about YA lit being so dark...Maybe neither one of mine are dark enough to sell...what's you take on this?
Just realized I posted my query without getting the okay! Bad me!!
Anyway, I've revised the query and if you have time to look at it, here it is
A teen girl uses her wits to kick ass when she discovers sexual harassment is rampant in her school.
When seventeen-year-old Jane Lloyd's law internship is cancelled after a law clerk sues her boss for sexual harassment, Jane's only option for getting into Columbia University and carrying out family tradition is winning the lead in the school play. Her drama teacher announces the play this year is JANE EYRE, and that it's a good example of sexual politics. After Jane wins the lead, she finds out what sexual politics is on the internet when she stumbles onto Kate Millett's work and reads about feminism and male sexist behavior. Dr. Millett's theory opens Jane's eyes to the sexual harassment happening in her school. She becomes a hero for other girls when she stops a sexist male student from groping her. Other girls ask her for help so they won't be groped in school and "ridden" on the dance floor. Jane helps them stage a protest to stop one of the worst gropers.
She discovers that Nate, who's been trying to force sex on a number of girls, including Jane, is the father of a child he refuses to acknowledge. Now, she faces a major decision—play JANE EYRE as written or stop him from degrading more girls by changing her dialogue and handing out fliers to the audience that detail Nate's irresponsible sexual behavior.
No, I'm not tired of working on it...and for sure not tired of you...I love your juicy comments. They're what spur me on...
Here's what happened. I posted, then saw a few things I wanted to change, so I had to delete it. It's back up now, but here it is:
If sixteen-year-old Delilah doesn't get her body back in shape for her fall tryout with The New York City Ballet Company, she'll never achieve her dream of becoming a world famous (I just thought of world famous; you won't find it in the query) ballerina. It's not easy after her boyfriend dumps her, and her body image and self-esteem plummet. She layers on the pounds with junk food until she realizes it's up to her to take charge of her food, her body, and her life to become what she was born to be.
She whisks off to Camp Dance, where the contest is internationally televised. This move could be the answer to Delilah's dilemma, but things get complicated when she meets Hendrik, her intoxicating partner. After all, she's in his arms eight hours a day doing sexy rumbas, racy cha chas, and X-rated tangos. Delilah's body responds to the hard work and pounds melt away. She even learns how seductive dancing with an adoring partner is. After a burst of feeling for him, she doesn't want to just get back to ballet, she wants to win the contest and Hendrik's heart. With only three minutes each week in front of a live audience, a camera that brings out her performance anxiety, and insulting judges, winning the contest will be tough. She and Hendrik find bewitching ways to help each other stay calm through the weekly high pressure contests and the constant jibes from their dance instructor. Well on their way to winning and romance, she's threatened, so threatened, she might ditch the whole competition just to stay away from Hendrik. She's forced to decide to either finish the contest while fighting off her fears, or return home, still not ready for the fall ballet tryouts.
CAMP DANCE is a young adult romance complete at 64,000 words.
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