This is way too long, but I love the idea of a female retelling of the Pied Piper. I'd say the second paragraph is the meat of your pitch. Work on fusing it with a few important elements from the rest of the paragraphs and this…"
In general, this just needs to be tightened and streamlined. More specifically, I'm unclear as to why this connection is an "affliction". I would also love to learn more about the Oracle's motivations. I do like the…"
You kind of lose me midway through this pitch--it's an awful lot of words and relatively little action. I'd like to see more active verb choices/sentence construction that focuses on Julia and clearer motivations."
I'm with Leah on this one. The list form stood out to me and really established a sense of fun--but only because you executed it well. Not everybody could pull this off. I like the title too. Nice job!"
I like this, but I wish you mention Eleanor's wealth before you discuss her new persona. Also, I'm not exactly sure what country this takes place in... I'm inclined to say America, but the Italian busboy throws me. I do…"
Agreed that this sounds more women's ficiton. If the teenage daughter is really the subject, emphasize this. I don't think splitting the story between a mother's past and a daughter's future will really resonate with…"
I'm somewhat intrigued by this. I would encourage you to streamline the writing, for sure, and elaborate on certain things, such as how her father discovered this gene and how she knows about it."
I agree with Carlie that clarifying the parameters of the time travel will up the stakes dramatically. I would also agree with Leah that we need to learn what makes 1895 Paris attractive--and it had better be more than just a boy!"
I think the third sentence definitely needs more explanation--it's a little confusing as is. Also, how does she know the killer is going to come after her? How would he know she's figured it out? Just a note on your title,…"
"Running, dancing, hiding, and romance" definitely has to go--I'm sure your story is way more interesting than you're giving it credit for by reducing the adventure to this list, which reminds me of "sunshine,…"
Agreed that I have no clue what moon strings are... I can't even make something up, actually! I just felt like this query was full of a lot of jargon that didn't really tell us much. Be specific, please!"
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