JASON WILLOW sounds like a compelling story! I think your query could be equally compelling if you could show us more of the plot instead of describing the action. Who are the Watch? Are they good guys? The demon-summoning Brethren…"
Wow, great concept! I have some questions... first, Xor is currently a cyborg and later wakes human? If yes, this is "born" the right word for your opening sentence? Perhaps "Created to become Imperium ruler..."…"
"I'm a dedicated outliner and I suspect that's a preference born of my day job as a technical writer. I finished my NaNoWriMo project without outlining and it now reads like a bad teen soap from the WB network.
I use a 3 panel…"
"Thanks for asking, Patricia. I can say for sure there are tons of similar stories and very few new ideas under the sun. You'd be surprised how may authors write strangely similar things without knowing anything of the other's. You were…"
I wouldn't worry about the passive voice. I think leaving "Julie's brother" to the very end pulls the rug out from under the reader, which is what you're going for. One of the rules I adhere to in writing is "break any writing rule if it serves your purpose", which in this case, I think it does. I don't think an agent would read your query and say, "Hmm, passive voice. No sale."
Of course, I'm new at this and could be completely wrong. But those are my two cents. (1.5 cents Canadian). ;)
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