I love the premise of your story. If I may point out some things. You want to grab your reader from the beginning:
Maybe try something like this for your opening paragraph?
16-year-old LUCY, a competitive swimmer, suffers a panic attack at…"
"Mari J Carpenter
Seventeen-year-old, Sarah's Christenson's power to see Angels gives her a front row seat when Angels go to war. Her identical twin denies the gift, causing a rift between them.
When one of…"
I thought your synopsis was brilliant the written.
The only comment I have to make is the very last line. Could we hear it Waldo voice? Just an idea. I think would have more of an impact.
I will read through it one more time and see if their…"
"Andrea, thanks for sharing your synopsis. I agree with Jessie's assessment. I am in no way a synopsis of expert first and foremost, I must say but here are my two cents, take it or leave it. ;)
I did find the story intriguing after I got…"
This query makes me want to read the book, so job well done!
i have several suggestions, and I'm sorry I'm joining the party a little late.
I thought her twin was a boy from the start. Are they identical? How easily is it to…"
"Sorry, had some typos in that. It's supposed to say "It left me wanting to read a little more, though, to see what was going on, so that's good."
Is there a way to send a critique here? I'm not really sure how to post it or…"
"So really interesting idea, I love fey stories myself and the idea of eating emotions fantastic. There are definitely parts that make me giggle, I have to say the hair straightening line--so true those things take forever and boys don't…"
"Mari J Carpenter - YA Urban Fantasy - Lovely Dark Fallen
Sixteen-year-old Aine O'Shea is ordinary to the point of being boring until Aine is allowed to go on her very first date. Her excitement turns to disaster when she holds her dates hand…"
"Much, much better! Georgia showsher teeth. Nice clean up. Only have a couple suggetions?
In this sententence: She feels a surprising comfort in his arms, but when it seems he’s making fun of her and her sister,…"
"Hey Stephanie! Georgia's back! I remember this story and happy that an agent is looking! :)
I agree with Sarah's comments. The story flows beautifuly - then stumbles with Cassie and the Scarlett letter May not need to drawn out so…"
"Then maybe your agents wants you to define "it" Maybe start with - My head embarked in a low tone ... cranium wedged with loud, unwelcome voices panning/struggling for my mind's attention ... or something like that. :)"
"Here is my two cents:
Its Started as a low buzz that and by the end of the hour, culminated in a loud and unwelcome in cacophony of sounds of breathe?. Voices and other things jammed my head, vying for my mind’s attention.
I started reading your synopsis and right away I noticed your main character was not in bold and in not in caps. In a synopsis that's what you need. Also every paragraph needs a hook. How would you feel if you didn't…"
Thanks for asking about Georgia. After many migraines (I mean it) I had to recognize that there just was not much happening conflict-wise so I have set Georgia and her sisters and friends in a drawer. But I am 8 chapters into something that I like and am not letting myself go back and revise until I have a full draft. (Because I can agonize over the first hook and then never get anywhere).
Use what you can from the suggestions which may not even make sense. And send me some Arizona sunshine, please!!!
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