"Hey Trin,
I love the premise of your story. If I may point out some things. You want to grab your reader from the beginning:
Maybe try something like this for your opening paragraph?
16-year-old LUCY, a competitive swimmer, suffers a panic attack at…"
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Mari J Carpenter
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Latest Activity
Mari J Carpenter replied to Trinity Doyle's discussion YA Contemporary Lucy in the Sky in the group Synopsis Repair ShopMari J Carpenter replied to Georgia McBride's discussion An Agent for the Holidays"Mari J Carpenter
Young Adult
Fiction
Seventeen-year-old, Sarah's Christenson's power to see Angels gives her a front row seat when Angels go to war. Her identical twin denies the gift, causing a rift between them.
When one of…"
Mari J Carpenter replied to s.d. Lishan's discussion Between Us and Spiritland, by S.D. Lishan in the group Synopsis Repair Shop"S,D.
I thought your synopsis was brilliant the written.
The only comment I have to make is the very last line. Could we hear it Waldo voice? Just an idea. I think would have more of an impact.
I will read through it one more time and see if their…"
Mari J Carpenter replied to Andrea Leech's discussion Storm Chasers in the group Synopsis Repair Shop"Andrea, thanks for sharing your synopsis. I agree with Jessie's assessment. I am in no way a synopsis of expert first and foremost, I must say but here are my two cents, take it or leave it. ;)
I did find the story intriguing after I got…"
Megan Gregor replied to Mari J Carpenter's discussion Worse Than Bad, YA Speculative fiction in the group Query Kick-Around"Hi Mari,
This query makes me want to read the book, so job well done!
i have several suggestions, and I'm sorry I'm joining the party a little late.
I thought her twin was a boy from the start. Are they identical? How easily is it to…"
Brian Carman replied to Mari J Carpenter's discussion Lovely Dark Fallen in the group First Pages (Crit Group)"Sorry, had some typos in that. It's supposed to say "It left me wanting to read a little more, though, to see what was going on, so that's good."
Is there a way to send a critique here? I'm not really sure how to post it or…"
Patricia Blount replied to Mari J Carpenter's discussion Worse Than Bad, YA Speculative fiction in the group Query Kick-Around"I agree with the previous reviewers; write the query from Sarah's POV.
I'd lose all the 'called down to the office's setup - that's synopsis material. Start with your original ensemble POV…"
Gretchen Schreiber replied to Mari J Carpenter's discussion Lovely Dark Fallen in the group First Pages (Crit Group)"So really interesting idea, I love fey stories myself and the idea of eating emotions fantastic. There are definitely parts that make me giggle, I have to say the hair straightening line--so true those things take forever and boys don't…"
Mari J Carpenter replied to Georgia McBride's discussion Pitch Slam 2 is Here!"Mari J Carpenter - YA Urban Fantasy - Lovely Dark Fallen
Sixteen-year-old Aine O'Shea is ordinary to the point of being boring until Aine is allowed to go on her very first date. Her excitement turns to disaster when she holds her dates hand…"
Mari J Carpenter replied to Stephanie Wardrop's discussion Snark and Circumstance synopsis in the group Synopsis Repair Shop"Much, much better! Georgia showsher teeth. Nice clean up. Only have a couple suggetions?
In this sententence: She feels a surprising comfort in his arms, but when it seems he’s making fun of her and her sister,…"
Mari J Carpenter replied to Stephanie Wardrop's discussion Snark and Circumstance synopsis in the group Synopsis Repair Shop"Hey Stephanie! Georgia's back! I remember this story and happy that an agent is looking! :)
I agree with Sarah's comments. The story flows beautifuly - then stumbles with Cassie and the Scarlett letter May not need to drawn out so…"
Jennifer Iacopelli left a comment for Mari J Carpenter"Thanks so much for the congrats! I'm so excited! Now I just hope they actually like it! :-)"
Mari J Carpenter commented on Georgia McBride's group Pimp My Scene"Then maybe your agents wants you to define "it" Maybe start with - My head embarked in a low tone ... cranium wedged with loud, unwelcome voices panning/struggling for my mind's attention ... or something like that. :)"
Mari J Carpenter commented on Georgia McBride's group Pimp My Scene"Here is my two cents:
Its Started as a low buzz that and by the end of the hour, culminated in a loud and unwelcome in cacophony of sounds of breathe?. Voices and other things jammed my head, vying for my mind’s attention.
Maybe…"
Mari J Carpenter replied to Heather Reid's discussion Touched by Darkness by Heather L Reid in the group Synopsis Repair Shop"Hi Heather,
I started reading your synopsis and right away I noticed your main character was not in bold and in not in caps. In a synopsis that's what you need. Also every paragraph needs a hook. How would you feel if you didn't…"
Profile Information
- Website Address
- http://marijcarpenter.com
- Kind of books I write
- Contemporary, Paranormal, Romance, Urban Fantasy
Comment Wall (24 comments)
- At 2:50pm on April 17, 2012, Jennifer Iacopelli said…
Haha, great minds!
- At 2:44pm on April 17, 2012, Jennifer Iacopelli said…
Thanks so much for the congrats! I'm so excited! Now I just hope they actually like it! :-)
- At 11:11am on January 3, 2012,
Stephanie Wardrop said… Congrats on the Kohl's card, Mari! Buy something fun.
- At 9:10pm on January 2, 2012,
StaffLM Preston said… - 1st Prize: at 100,011 wordsWinner of Kindle Fire with Pre-Loaded books2nd Prize: at 83,018 wordsyear free YALITCHAT Tier 2 membership valued at $30/year3rd Prize: at 79,919 words2 Free Novels (it's a surprise)
- At 10:41am on September 8, 2011, Stephanie Wardrop said…
Thanks for asking about Georgia. After many migraines (I mean it) I had to recognize that there just was not much happening conflict-wise so I have set Georgia and her sisters and friends in a drawer. But I am 8 chapters into something that I like and am not letting myself go back and revise until I have a full draft. (Because I can agonize over the first hook and then never get anywhere).
Use what you can from the suggestions which may not even make sense. And send me some Arizona sunshine, please!!!
- At 6:20pm on June 8, 2011,
Keisha said… - TYSM Sending *hugs* I believe in you and were going to whip our mss in shape=)
- At 6:17pm on June 08, 2011, Keisha gave Mari J Carpenter a gift…
- At 11:29am on May 23, 2011, Keisha said…
- So true and that's why when we reach our goal we will appreciate our journey.
- At 10:22am on May 23, 2011, Keisha said…
I like your analogy, were all going through it, I never mentioned in my comment that I had moments in which I cried and I needed that to feel refreshed and move on. =)
- At 7:58pm on May 22, 2011, Keisha said…
- Thank you for accepting my friend request, and I will always support you. =0D
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