"Thank you for making the time period so clear. Though, like Rachel, I'm less clear on where this is set. There are a lot of great themes here, but the "internal war" seems less dramatic against the backdrop of the global war and…"
"I'd like this more if he were rescuing a girl his own age. That it's a woman was a little jarring to me. And "coven" usually implies witches, so that could use a little clarification as well. But overall, you've got a clear…"
"I think the world-building is going to be the real selling point here, but we don't get much of it in the pitch. Where does she escape to? What place wants her dead? A few more details could really help this shine."
"This sounds like it has the potential to be quite thrilling--the stakes are high and obvious. I do feel as though we see a bit of scientists trying to track down someone for something in their DNA, so a few extra super-hooky details here would…"
"It's hard to understand why anyone is drawn to a guy who has dark rituals and kidnapping in his past, because it sounds to me as though he's the one doing the rituals and kidnapping. We need to see exactly what it is that attracts…"
"At first I couldn't even tell one was a girl and one was a boy, so I didn't immediately understand the implications of binding themselves in the future. I feel as though the stakes are super unbalanced--he's fighting dirty…"
"Careful of some potential pronoun confusion in that second sentence. Who is it giving Hope a chance to get her mom back? I think we need to weave the time angle a little more throughout so the last line doesn't feel like such a veer."
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