"Hi Lindsey,
Sounds like a fun read, with some interesting tangles! Here are a few comments:
Aiden is the Artificial Intelligence and Robotics Lab’s [DON'T SUPPOSE YOU COULD SHORTEN THIS TO "AIDEN IS THE ROBOTICS' LAB'S…"
we write, read and live YA
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Heather Strum
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Heather Strum replied to lindsey frydman's discussion TO SAVE MY LIFE - Lindsey Frydman in the group Query Kick-AroundHeather Strum replied to Heather Strum's discussion Realistic MG: THE BEACH-BUM INVENTOR in the group Query Kick-Around"Hi Lindsey,
Thank you so much for your comments. I think you're right about that last line ; )I look forward to reading your query--apologies for not getting to it sooner.
Heather"
lindsey frydman replied to Heather Strum's discussion Realistic MG: THE BEACH-BUM INVENTOR in the group Query Kick-Around"Hey! Here are some of my thoughts. I hope they help. :)
Twelve-year-old Jordie Hodgefeltner knows when the janitors have been extra-thorough. That’s because he spends every lunch period in the bathroom stalls, hiding out. No friends,…"
Heather Strum replied to Heather Strum's discussion Realistic MG: THE BEACH-BUM INVENTOR in the group Query Kick-Around"Thanks for your comments, Amy, esp. the opening line. Good thoughts.
Heather"
Amy Trueblood replied to Heather Strum's discussion Realistic MG: THE BEACH-BUM INVENTOR in the group Query Kick-Around"Hi Heather:
I love this fun premise! Here are my thoughts...
Twelve-year-old Jordie Hodgefeltner knows when the janitors have been extra-thorough. That’s because he spends every lunch period (hiding out) in the bathroom…"
Heather Strum replied to Amy Trueblood's discussion FIGHTING CHANCE - YA THRILLER in the group Query Kick-Around"Hi Amy,
That's great that you've had bites on this--I can understand why. Sounds like a fun, original story.
My thoughts:
Out of control. That's what everyone calls black belt Nica McDonald. [GREAT OPENING. HOOKED ME.] After…"
Heather Strum replied to Loriel Jarvis's discussion A LITTLE BIRD TOLD ME by Loriel Jarvis (YA Contemporary) in the group Query Kick-Around"Hi Loriel,Interesting about that vet law. You should write a story about that!
Below are some thoughts on LITTLE BIRD:
You might consider moving your first paragraph to the end of the letter. I've read that agents skim the query to get to the…"
Heather Strum replied to Abigail Ketner's discussion Thank you so much!!!! I am so excited to get some feed back on our Query :) I thank you all for your time and suggestions ahead of time in the group Query Kick-Around"Hi Abi and Missy,
I love that you are doing this together; your bio will definitely be an asset when time comes for a book jacket!
First, a thought on the opening: As a representative of some of the most talented authors in the young adult genre,…"
Heather Strum replied to Elizabeth Arroyo's discussion MIND RIFT YA Supernatural Thriller in the group Query Kick-Around"Hi Elizabeth,
First off, this is a great query and pulled me in, and I'm not a fan of supernatural stuff. Some thoughts below:
Seventeen-year-old Carly Lopez suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress, though the “post” part is totally…"
Stephanie Wardrop left a comment for Heather Strum"I don't know why the friend request took a month to show up - I wasn't playing aloof :)"
Tif Johnson replied to Heather Strum's discussion Revision: A ZEN OF THIEVES in the group Query Kick-Around"Hi Heather!
I've added my suggestions...hope it helps! Good luck with everything!
Tif
Beware a thief—even if she’s your mom. When California girl Pashwyn Stoat finds a Buddhist scroll the day she arrives in Paris (in the middle of…"
Candyce Pruitt-Goddard replied to Heather Strum's discussion Revision: A ZEN OF THIEVES in the group Query Kick-Around"This revision looks great, Heather!"
StaffC. Lee McKenzie replied to Heather Strum's discussion Revision: A ZEN OF THIEVES in the group Query Kick-Around
"Hi Heather,
I've suggested you add this underlined phrase and word for clarity. Otherwise, I think it reads well. Lee
. . .scroll in her parent's old apartment the day . . .
. . . Pashwyn's part in her sister's backslide."
Heather Strum commented on AE Rought's group Query Kick-Around"Hi Ann, I've been participating in Query Kickaround for a few weeks, and would like to be added to the next available Fight Card. Thanks very much!"
Heather Strum joined AE Rought's group
Query Kick-Around
Query need work? Hankering for a second (or third, or fourth, et al) opinion on it? Well, you've come to the right place! Once a week, we'll post a query, offer opinions and discuss ways to improve it. Queries accepted from Premium members ONLY.See More
Comment Wall (9 comments)
- At 1:06am on December 14, 2012,
StaffLaura Chesterson said… To Heather
From Laura and YALitChat!
- At 8:56am on July 12, 2012, Stephanie Wardrop said…
I don't know why the friend request took a month to show up - I wasn't playing aloof :)
- At 10:59am on March 23, 2012,
StaffC. Lee McKenzie said… Hi Heather. Just logged and your message popped up! Glad your membership came through.
Enjoy.
- At 1:05am on December 14, 2011,
StaffLaura Chesterson said… To Heather
From Laura and YALitChat!!
- At 7:15pm on December 13, 2010,
StaffNicōle Olea said…
- At 3:00pm on May 24, 2010,
Susan Kaye Quinn said… - Your WIP sounds wacky and fun! It sounds like MG - is it? Life, Liberty, and Pursuit is a young adult contemporary romance, but it has a bit of a retro feel, as one MC is navy recruit stuck in boot camp, where communication mainly goes by love letters and weekly phone calls.
My log line: When a college bound girl falls in a pool and is saved by a navy recruit, they have to choose between loving each other and keeping their dreams.
It's coming out soon, so I'm going kinda crazy trying to get the website done and keeping my publisher supplied with all the info they need. Hopefully, I'll have it in my hands by conference time.
I look forward to meeting you then!
- At 4:12pm on May 21, 2010, Susan Kaye Quinn said…
- Hi! I had seen you before on the SCBWI 2010 LA thread, and I'm glad you mentioned your married name or I would never have put it together! :) I'm very excited about the conference - it's my first time for a "big" conference (I went to the local SCBWI conference last fall). You're traveling all the way from France? Wow. Are you still looking to share a room, or did you get set up already?
I'm looking forward to meeting you, and the other YAlitchat ladies. What is your current WIP?
- At 8:47am on May 16, 2010, Susan Kaye Quinn said…
- Thanks! I"ve had lots of feedback on my MG MS, but not from an "expert" so far. I'm very excited about the conference - even more so, now that I get to meet some YAlitchat folks. :)
- At 9:00pm on May 5, 2010,
StaffJessie Harrell said… - welcome Heather! Glad you decided to join us. If you're ready to dive in, I invite you to check out the First Pages group. Leave some feedback for others and post your own work when you're ready. Hope to see you there! ~ Jessie
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