"Hi Caryn,
Thanks so much for sharing! First off, hats off for showing as opposed to telling throughout these five pages. Also you presented a thoroughly bleak scenario for your main character (MC) which matches your description.
The…"
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Caryn DeVincenti
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Abigail Johnson replied to Caryn DeVincenti's discussion "The Other Side of Happy" in the group First Pages (Crit Group)
Caryn DeVincenti joined Georgia McBride's group
Synopsis Repair Shop
Synopsis in serious need of repair? Wondering what goes here or there? Short synopsis repair is here. 1-2 pages, we don't care. Any longer though, you must look elsewhere. Group Coordinator is LM Prestion.See More
Caryn DeVincenti replied to Dina von Lowenkraft's discussion QUERY Imperium YA Sci-Fi in the group Query Kick-Around"Hi Dina,
Congrats on the upcoming release of your other book! Your credentials will impress an agent’s eye. Here’s my take on your query. It’s good, but there’s a tad too much “telling” vs. “showing and…"
Dina von Lowenkraft replied to Caryn DeVincenti's discussion QUERY: The Other Side of Happy in the group Query Kick-Around"Jumping in late - lots of great comments already! One small thing that could make the first sentence stronger is to say "Seventeen-year-old Carleigh Anderson thinks knows that God forgot about her."
All the best with your…"
Gareth Craig Mottram replied to Caryn DeVincenti's discussion QUERY: The Other Side of Happy in the group Query Kick-Around"Hi Caryn
This is not really my genre but a couple of plot things sprung to mind. Is there a reason why social services etc are not another chance for survival (eg mum's boyfriend is a police chief or something)? Also, it…"
Caryn DeVincenti replied to Caryn DeVincenti's discussion QUERY: The Other Side of Happy in the group Query Kick-Around"Thank you very much, Michelle. Even a small suggestion really helps. I appreciate your help, and thank you for taking the time to read/respond. Getting back to work on it now. Good luck to you, too!!! :-)"
Caryn DeVincenti replied to Caryn DeVincenti's discussion QUERY: The Other Side of Happy in the group Query Kick-Around"Wow! Thank you, Kim. Funny, you mentioned the genre issue. I'd been grappling with it for some time. The story is set in 1979 so it could be "historical" since it's over 30 yrs. old, but to me it doesn't feel…"
Caryn DeVincenti replied to Caryn DeVincenti's discussion QUERY: The Other Side of Happy in the group Query Kick-Around"Thank you, Stephanie. Great advice, and I appreciate the help--I need it! I see what you mean about the two seperate queries. Thanks again and good luck to you, too. :-)"
Michelle Levy replied to Caryn DeVincenti's discussion QUERY: The Other Side of Happy in the group Query Kick-Around"I think this is a very solid query. I agree with Kim about moving the last sentence of the first paragraph to the beginning of the second paragraph. Or you could just cut that sentence out completely since you go on to explain who Lucas is and how…"
Kim Trotter replied to Caryn DeVincenti's discussion QUERY: The Other Side of Happy in the group Query Kick-Around"First paragraph is golden, in my opinion.
--
This would be a much better paragraph starter: Everything changes the day she encounters Lucas. When a Mormon family moves to Carleigh’s small Pennsylvania town, and Carleigh meets Lucas, an odd,…"
Caryn DeVincenti replied to Kym Balthazar Fetsko's discussion THE RAT CHILDREN (Revised) in the group Query Kick-Around"Hi Kym,
Great job with the revisions. Sounds like a great read! I'm still a tad confused in some areas. Nothing major, and I'm no expert, but here goes...
On a bright summer day (WORDY PART OF THE SENTENCE. CAN YOU…"
Stephanie Wardrop replied to Caryn DeVincenti's discussion QUERY: The Other Side of Happy in the group Query Kick-Around"I think there's a lot of potential here!
In the first paragraph, everything is clear until you get to "It’s that or suicide. Everything changes the day she encounters Lucas." The connection between the two is not clear but even…"
Caryn DeVincenti commented on AE Rought's group Query Kick-Around"Hi everyone,
I messaged A.E. to get on Monday's fight card but I'm not sure that was the right place to message. May I have a spot? Thanks for all the help, everyone! :-)"
Caryn DeVincenti replied to Kym Balthazar Fetsko's discussion Query ~ THE RAT CHILDREN in the group Query Kick-Around"Hi Kym,
Sounds like an interesting read. Okay, I'm no expert at this but I'll try to help.
Like the intro. line. It's a nice hook. I'd suggest cutting "This is the story of what happened next" part. Perhaps…"
Caryn DeVincenti commented on AE Rought's group Query Kick-Around"I'd love to join on Monday.
Thank you, A.E. and happy new year, YALitChat community"
Caryn DeVincenti commented on AE Rought's group Query Kick-Around"May I join the fight...AGAIN?
;-)"
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- http://mommawriter
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- Contemporary, Other
Comment Wall (2 comments)
- At 3:21pm on April 5, 2012, Jennifer Iacopelli said…
My pleasure! Querying is SO HARD. I just started submitting mine to agents. Sent out 10, two full requests, two rejections and eight chewing my nails still waiting for a reply, but Query Kick-Around was SO SO helpful. Honestly, I really want to read your book now, so tighten up that query so you can get it on the shelves!
- At 7:09pm on December 13, 2010,
StaffNicōle Olea said… - Welcome to YALITCHAT.ORG! We’re happy you’re here and know you must be eager to get started. We’ve prepared a NEW MEMBERS WELCOME PAGE just for you--please be sure to visit there first to help acclimate you to the site, community and content. You will also find links to FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS, ABOUT US, COMMUNITY RULES and MEMBERSHIP INFORMATION helpful. As YALITCHAT.ORG operates on a tiered membership structure some of our services and groups are available to those who have a TIER II level membership. For more information, please visit the MEMBERSHIP INFORMATION page. If you have any questions, please let me know. Otherwise, we invite you to introduce yourself in the Meet and Greet section of our forum! Have fun getting to know YALITCHAT.ORG, our various groups! Our Group Coordinators and community leaders are always here to help if you need it. Again, welcome!
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