Thanks so much for sharing! First off, hats off for showing as opposed to telling throughout these five pages. Also you presented a thoroughly bleak scenario for your main character (MC) which matches your description.
Synopsis in serious need of repair? Wondering what goes here or there? Short synopsis repair is here. 1-2 pages, we don't care. Any longer though, you must look elsewhere. Group Coordinator is LM Prestion.See More
Congrats on the upcoming release of your other book! Your credentials will impress an agent’s eye. Here’s my take on your query. It’s good, but there’s a tad too much “telling” vs. “showing and…"
"Jumping in late - lots of great comments already! One small thing that could make the first sentence stronger is to say "Seventeen-year-old Carleigh Anderson thinks knows that God forgot about her."
All the best with your…"
This is not really my genre but a couple of plot things sprung to mind. Is there a reason why social services etc are not another chance for survival (eg mum's boyfriend is a police chief or something)? Also, it…"
"Thank you very much, Michelle. Even a small suggestion really helps. I appreciate your help, and thank you for taking the time to read/respond. Getting back to work on it now. Good luck to you, too!!! :-)"
"Wow! Thank you, Kim. Funny, you mentioned the genre issue. I'd been grappling with it for some time. The story is set in 1979 so it could be "historical" since it's over 30 yrs. old, but to me it doesn't feel…"
"I think this is a very solid query. I agree with Kim about moving the last sentence of the first paragraph to the beginning of the second paragraph. Or you could just cut that sentence out completely since you go on to explain who Lucas is and how…"
"First paragraph is golden, in my opinion.
This would be a much better paragraph starter: Everything changes the day she encounters Lucas. When a Mormon family moves to Carleigh’s small Pennsylvania town, and Carleigh meets Lucas, an odd,…"
Great job with the revisions. Sounds like a great read! I'm still a tad confused in some areas. Nothing major, and I'm no expert, but here goes...
On a bright summer day (WORDY PART OF THE SENTENCE. CAN YOU…"
"I think there's a lot of potential here!
In the first paragraph, everything is clear until you get to "It’s that or suicide. Everything changes the day she encounters Lucas." The connection between the two is not clear but even…"
Sounds like an interesting read. Okay, I'm no expert at this but I'll try to help.
Like the intro. line. It's a nice hook. I'd suggest cutting "This is the story of what happened next" part. Perhaps…"
My pleasure! Querying is SO HARD. I just started submitting mine to agents. Sent out 10, two full requests, two rejections and eight chewing my nails still waiting for a reply, but Query Kick-Around was SO SO helpful. Honestly, I really want to read your book now, so tighten up that query so you can get it on the shelves!
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