*Revision* The Watchers - Sarah Negovetich

[Sarah Negovetich]

So here is my next pass at this synopsis. I've left the original below so you can see where the changes have been made. I've incorporated most of your suggestions becuase they were so helpful. I've also tried to insert more of my own voice so it sounds less like an outline. I'd love to get your thoughts and the new version. Thanks all!

 

            Loveland’s High School’s newest student, STACIE Gunthar, is the unwilling recipient of mind reading powers. She could use them to spy on her ridiculously hot neighbor, CHARLES, but fending off total annihilation is probably a better use of her time.

            Sparks fly when Stacie and Charles literally collide with reigning junior class royals, JACK and CELESTE. Their contact activates hidden powers in each of them. The new guidance counselor, MR. HUDSON, shocks them with the revelation that they are the Watchers and he is their Guardian. It’s his job to help them develop their special abilities. Abilities they need as the newest generation of Watchers to protect the world from the Antagonists. Because who doesn’t love the idea of fighting humanish monsters who feed on happiness and sow chaos.

            Stacie and Mr. Hot Stuff Charles develop an unlikely friendship. It doesn’t take long for Stacie to start daydreaming of a little neighborly romance, but the stress of learning to use her power and the loss of control over her life is definitely getting in the way. When Stacie finally masters her ability, it creates a new layer of complication between her and Charles. She never stopped to think how he would feel about her reading his thoughts. And now Charles is the only Watcher who hasn’t learned to use his ability, the power to heal.

            Hudson forces Stacie and Charles to attend Homecoming together, a real hardship if there ever was one, and Stacie is forced to figure out her true feelings for Charles. Charles can’t dance, so Stacie is more than happy to step in and teach him. All the swaying and slow music lead to a brief kiss during the lesson, but Charles takes off afterward leaving Stacie confused.

            Charles confesses to Stacie that he can’t be with her because he needs to focus on developing his power. He fears an Antagonist attack will leave her wounded and him unable to heal her. Stacie visits Charles to cheer him up, and discovers he kept every plant he ever tried to heal in his room. It’s a museum of dead ferns and failure. Stacie forces him to throw all but the least dead one away and start over with a fresh perspective.

             Later that night Charles shows up in Stacie’s room to show her a healed plant. Unfortunately, when Charles comes into his full power the Antagonists are able to locate the Watchers. Stacie hears them coming and gathers the others together so they can plan for battle. With the four of them working in harmony, they are able to defeat the two Antagonists. But Stacie doesn’t hear a third Antagonist hiding in the woods and he attacks her when the others are distracted.

            Celeste and Jack are able to defeat the hidden Antagonist, but not before he seriously injures Stacie. Charles must use his newfound power to heal her. With the immediate danger gone Charles kisses Stacie the way he should have the first time. The four Watchers realize they are going to make this work.

            Unknown to the Watchers, Hudson goes to visit one of the last generation Watchers who has a second ability to sense the powers that others will develop. Hudson learns that Stacie will be the first Watcher to have more than two abilities and she could be the strongest Watcher ever. Hudson decides it’s time to tell the new Watchers that no matter how hard they fight, the Antagonist can never be destroyed.

* * * * * 

STACIE just learned she’s the not-so-proud owner of mind reading powers. How to use her gift is up to her…but fighting off the forces of evil is probably a good place to start.

Sixteen year old Stacie(POV) has just moved with her family from the bustling city of Memphis to the tiny town of Loveland, Ohio. During her first week of classes, Stacie and CHARLES (her hot new neighbor) along with JACK and CELESTE (social elite of the junior class) awaken hidden powers. The new guidance counselor, MR. HUDSON, reveals his true identity as the Guardian of the Watchers. It’s his job to help them develop their special abilities. Hudson explains the Watchers are as old as the bible and a new group each generation is charged to protect the world from the Antagonists. When Stacie accidentally hears one of Jack’s thoughts it is revealed that she is the Listener, a mind reader of sorts.

            Stacie and Charles begin developing a friendships, with what Stacie hopes is a potential for more. But the stress of learning to use their powers and the loss of control over her own life is taking its toll. When Stacie does learn to use her ability, it creates a new layer of complication between her and Charles. She never stopped to think how he would feel about her reading his thoughts. And now Charles is the only one of the Watchers who hasn’t learned to use his ability.

            When Hudson announces Stacie and Charles need to attend Homecoming together, Stacie has to figure out her true feelings for Charles. When Charles confesses his inability to dance, Stacie steps in to teach him. All the swaying, dancing, and slow music lead to a brief kiss between them. But Charles takes off immediately afterward leaving Stacie confused. This only gets worse with Charles’s erratic behavior at the dance.

Later, Charles confesses to Stacie that he can’t be with her because he has to focus entirely on developing his Healer abilities. He is paranoid that the Antagonists will attack and he will be helpless to heal her if she gets hurt. When Stacie goes to visit Charles to cheer him up she discovers that he has kept every plant he ever tried to heal in his room. It is a museum of dead ferns and failure. Stacie forces him to throw them all away and start over with a fresh perspective.

Later that night Charles shows up in Stacie’s room to show her a perfectly healthy plant. He finally learned how to use his ability thanks to Stacie. Unfortunately, when Charles comes into his full ability the Antagonists are able to locate the Watchers. Stacie can hear them coming and gathers the others together so they can plan for battle. With the four of them working in harmony, they are able to defeat the two Antagonists who attack. But Stacie doesn’t hear a third Antagonist hiding in the woods and he attacks her when the others are distracted.

            Celeste and Jack are able to defeat the hidden Antagonist before he kills Stacie and Charles uses his newfound power to heal her. With the immediate danger gone Charles kisses Stacie the way he should have the first time and the four of them realize they are going to make this work.

            Unknown to the Watchers, Hudson goes to visit one of the old Watchers who has a second ability to sense the powers that others will develop. Hudson learns that Stacie will be the first Watcher to have more than two abilities and she could be the strongest Watcher ever. Hudson decides it’s time to tell the new Watchers that no matter how hard they fight, the Antagonist can never be destroyed.

[Laura Chesterson]

Hi Sarah!

This is fun, and I think you hit all the plot points and the character arc. The comments/suggestions in bold are my only concerns.

STACIE just learned she’s the not-so-proud owner of mind reading powers. How to use her gift is up to her…but fighting off the forces of evil is probably a good place to start.

This makes me think she didn't discover it herself -- and whoever told her said she could use it how she likes.

Sixteen year old Stacie(POV) has just moved with her family from the bustling city of Memphis to the tiny town of Loveland, Ohio. During her first week of classes, Stacie and CHARLES (her hot new neighbor) along with JACK and CELESTE (social elite of the junior class) awaken their hidden powers. The new guidance counselor, MR. HUDSON, reveals his true identity as the Guardian of the Watchers. It’s his job to help them develop their special abilities. Hudson explains the Watchers are as old as the bible and a new group each generation is charged to protect the world from the Antagonists. When Stacie accidentally hears one of Jack’s thoughts it is revealed that she is the Listener, a mind reader of sorts.

            Stacie and Charles develop a friendship  begin developing a friendships, with what Stacie hopes is a potential for more. But the stress of learning to use their powers and the loss of control over her own life is taking its toll. This is a bit awkward with the plural "their" but  then "her own life" is singular Perhaps you can split the sentence or rewrite.  When Stacie does learn to use her ability, it creates a new layer of complication between her and Charles. She never stopped to think how he would feel about her reading his thoughts. And now Charles is the only one of the Watchers who hasn’t learned to use his ability. Which is what?

            When Hudson announces Stacie and Charles need to attend Homecoming together, Stacie has to figure out her true feelings for Charles. When Charles confesses his inability to dance, Stacie steps in to teach him. All the swaying, dancing, and slow music lead to a brief kiss between them. But Charles takes off immediately afterward leaving Stacie confused. This only gets worse with Charles’s erratic behavior at the dance. I thought he left, so what's his erratic behavior? I don't think you need the last line.

Good luck!

[Sarah Negovetich]

Laura,

Thank you so much. This is really helpful feedback.

Sarah

[Jessica Capelle]

Hi Sarah-

I have specific comments (in caps) on two paragraphs and then the general comments are below that. Hope this helps! Good luck!

Jessica

STACIE just learned she’s the not-so-proud owner of mind reading powers. How to use her gift is up to her…but fighting off the forces of evil is probably a good place to start. THE NOT-SO-PROUD CONFUSES ME.  I THINK YOU CAN COMBINE THIS INTO ONE SENTENCE AND MAKE IT TIGHTER.

Sixteen year old Stacie(POV) has just moved with her family from the bustling city of Memphis to the tiny town of Loveland, Ohio. During her first week of classes, Stacie and CHARLES (her hot new neighbor) along with JACK and CELESTE (social elite of the junior class) awaken hidden powers. HOW DO THEY AWAKEN HIDDEN POWERS? The new guidance counselor, MR. HUDSON, reveals his true identity as the Guardian of the Watchers. It’s his job to help them develop their special abilities.  YOU CAN COMBINE THIS SENTENCE WITH THE PRIOR.  Hudson explains the Watchers are as old as the bible and a new group each generation is charged to protect the world from the Antagonists. When Stacie accidentally hears one of Jack’s thoughts it is revealed that she is the Listener, a mind reader of sorts.

This is a great first effort, and your story sounds really cool! It’s my kind of story anyway, so maybe I’m biased, but I’d definitely read it!

I get what’s happening- not much of an issue with that.  My comments are really just grammar and wordiness issues. I’d take out the descriptions in parentheses and not capitalize the names. I’d put it in more active voice- watch the “to be” verbs- and you can tighten it up a lot by taking out the redundant and repetitive words.  For example, in the 2^nd paragraph, “Stacie learns she’s the listener, a sort of mind reader, when she overhears Jack’s thoughts.” And in the 5^th paragraph, “He fears an Antagonist attack will leave her wounded and him unable to use his healing ability.” Or something like that to make it more active.  I’d watch the “when…” sentences and “then” sentences.  They give it a feel of outline when you want the voice to come through. Also there are a lot of adverbs- better verb choice can help eliminate those, making the voice stronger and decreasing the word count.  There’s some tense shifting, so you’ll want to make sure that’s consistent.

[Sarah Negovetich]

Jessica,

This is great advice. I always have a hard time seeing places I need more active voice. I've always read that character names should be in all caps when they first appear in a synopsis. Have you seen this done differently?

So many rules! Ah!

Sarah

[Amanda Schoen]

I agree with Laura and Jessica's comments. You do a good job of hitting the major points, and I can see an understand the story. Overall, I think the main issue is that it just needs some tightening. Also, review it for grammar errors (missing commas, etc.). My final thought is it might be useful if you add what the Antagonists plan to do - what makes them the bad guys? What exactly are the Watchers protecting the world from? Good luck with this - sounds like a fun story!

[Sarah Negovetich]

Great advice, Amanda. Commas are my kryptonite. :( I'm glad the story at least makes sense.

[Michelle Reynoso]

{This sounds really interesting Sarah. I love the premise of the story, and I think all the important pieces are here – it just needs a few tweaks to make it cleaner and stronger. I’ve added a few ideas below in brackets & bold, I hope you can find something that helps.}

 

STACIE just learned she’s the not-so-proud {why “not-so-proud”, is there a stigma attached to her mind reading power?} owner of mind reading powers. How to use her gift is up to her…but fighting off the forces of evil is probably a good place to start.

Sixteen year old Staciehas just moved with her family from the bustling city of Memphis to the tiny town of Loveland, Ohio. During her first week of classes, Stacie and CHARLES (her hot new neighbor) along with JACK and CELESTE (social elite of the junior class) awaken hidden powers {so is this a town thing, where they have powers…but then Stacie just moved here, so I’m curious what the connection is to the “powers” and these four characters?}The new guidance counselor, MR. HUDSON, reveals his true identity as the Guardian of the Watchers. It’s his job to help them develop their special abilities. Hudson explains the Watchers are as old as the bible{,} and a new group each generation is charged to protect the world from the Antagonists. {This is really clear and a great, short history, so we understand what’s happening} When Stacie accidentally hears one of Jack’s thoughts{,} it is revealed that she is the Listener, a mind reader of sorts.

Stacie and Charles begin developing a {friendship; Stacie hopes there’s potential for more, but the stress of learning to use her powers and the loss of control over her own life is taking its toll.} When Stacie does learn to use her ability, it creates a new layer of complication between her and Charles. She never stopped to think how he would feel about her reading his thoughts. And now Charles is the only one of the Watchers who hasn’t learned to use his ability.

When Hudson announces Stacie and Charles need to attend Homecoming together, Stacie has to figure out her true feelings for Charles. When Charles confesses his inability to dance, Stacie steps in to teach him. All the swaying, dancing, and slow music lead to a brief kiss between them. But Charles takes off immediately afterward, leaving Stacie confused. This only gets worse with Charles’s erratic behavior at the dance.

Later, Charles confesses to Stacie that he can’t be with her because he has to focus entirely on developing his Healer abilities. He is paranoid that the Antagonists will attack and he will be helpless to heal her if she gets hurt. When Stacie goes to visit Charles to cheer him up she discovers that he has kept every plant he ever tried to heal in his room. It is a museum of dead ferns and failure. {I like this visual with the plants, neat idea} Stacie forces him to throw them all away and start over with a fresh perspective.

Later that night Charles shows up in Stacie’s room to show her a perfectly healthy plant {which plant, I thought Stacie forced him to throw all the plants away?}. He finally learned how to use his ability thanks to Stacie. Unfortunately, when Charles comes into his full ability, the Antagonists are able to locate the Watchers. Stacie can hear them coming and gathers the others together so they can plan for battle. With the four of them working in harmony, they are able to defeat the two Antagonists who attack. But Stacie doesn’t hear a third Antagonist hiding in the woods and he attacks her when the others are distracted.

Celeste and Jack are able to defeat the hidden Antagonist before he kills Stacie {maybe add something here that Stacie is injured so that it makes sense that Charles needs to heal her} and Charles uses his newfound power to heal her. With the immediate danger gone, Charles kisses Stacie the way he should have the first time, and the four of them realize they are going to make this work.

Unknown to the Watchers, Hudson goes to visit one of the old Watchers who has a second ability to sense the powers that others will develop. Hudson learns that Stacie will be the first Watcher to have more than two abilities and she could be the strongest Watcher ever. Hudson decides it’s time to tell the new Watchers that no matter how hard they fight, the Antagonist can never be destroyed.

{Feels like a lead-in to a  second book, is that right?}

[Sarah Negovetich]

Thanks, Michelle. This is great feedback. This is an intended trilogy so that's why it feels that there is a lead in. This last paragraph is actually the epilogue. I considered leaving it out, but it felt like lying. :) Thanks for your help!

[Stephanie Wardrop]

Hi. Sarah - Great start (so much better than my first synopses, which were both long and unclear!).  Are you revising the synopsis now?  I'll wait for a repost since people covered my responses already.  Good luck!

[Sarah Negovetich]

Thanks Stephanie. I've posted a revision and would love your feedback. I'm heading over to first pages to check out your newest revision right now. :)

[Stephanie Wardrop]

where is the revision? i keep looking and i'm missing it!

[Sarah Negovetich]

It's at the very top and starts with "Loveland High School's newest student,...". the original is posted below it under the *****.