The Lies that Bind version #3 by Chris Canada

StaffPermalink Reply by Laura Chesterson on April 20, 2012 at 8:25pm

I like the first para now, and it's clearer. I've added suggestions/comments in bold.

With her reputation circling the drain, Haley gives Bryce an ultimatum. Either he pretends to be her boyfriend for a month, or she'll reveal all and he'll face he faces his own personal death match with the cage fighter.

Bryce can’t believe an honor student is blackmailing him. The only reason he bragged about hooking up (third time you used "hooking up." Maybe try "getting some" or "his exploits") with someone was to send a message to his ex, BRITTANY, that they were finished. He’d broken up with her three times, but she refused to acknowledge their relationship was over.

Instead of ending his girl problems, Bryce has created new ones. His "Girlfriend" Haley, his 'girlfriend,' comes with twin brothers who threaten to feed him through a wood chipper feet first if he mistreats their sister her. His father isn’t happy to hear he’s dating the daughter of the man who mows the grass at the country club. And unlike the girls he normally dates, Haley doesn’t nod, smile and agree with everything he says. She’s difficult, insisting he help her at the animal shelter where she volunteers.

Haley isn’t naïve enough to believe that country-club-golden-boy Bryce will fall in love with her. After spending time with him, she isn’t sure she wants him to. He’s used to getting his way all of the time. Plus(comma) he comes with a crazy ex girlfriend who focuses all her anger on Haley, spreading viscous vicious rumors and physically attacking Haley in PE.

Bryce does his best to defend Haley from his ex and the rumors. He steps up when her car is vandalized, following her home and helping her explain to her dad why someone painted SLUT on the side of her car. Her dad admits that Bryce may not be the asshole her brothers say he is. When they’re alone, Haley’s mom tells her that she’s being stupid because rich boys only date blue-collar girls for one reason. As far as Haley is concerned, they’ve reached a new low in their dysfunctional mother-daughter relationship. Good

When Bryce discovers his dad is having an affair, Haley is the only person he can talk to about it. He knows she won’t judge him. When she tells him about the strained relationship with her mother, he realizes he feels sorry for her. He cares about her and that scares the hell out of him. Nice

Bryce almost hits a dog when he’s driving in a rainstorm. Cursing Haley, he risks his own safety to rescue the dog. Once he has it, he doesn’t know what to do with it, so he takes it to Haley’s house. Together, they give the dog a bath. Even though the dog stinks, and his shirt is ruined Bryce realizes he’s having fun with Haley. For the first time, he kisses her. Good motivation

After the phenomenal kiss, Haley thinks she and Bryce might have a shot at a real relationship. When her parents come home, her mom's angry about the dog and unloads on Bryce, accusing him of dropping a problem in Haley’s lap and walking away. Her dad intervenes, like he always does when her mom gets weird.

Even though Haley doesn’t fit Bryce’s ideal image of a girlfriend, he wants her, which surprises him. When Brittany pulls a major stunt at school, culminating in the rumor that Haley is pregnant, the school principal pulls Haley, Bryce and Brittany into his office. Even though Haley denies the rumor, the principal insists she call home and tell her parents about the incident. If they are concerned they can take her for a pregnancy test at the doctors. Good

When Haley tells her mom about the stupid rumor, her mom bursts into tears. Her dad comes on the phone and tells Haley it would be best if she stayed over at a friend’s house that night while he and her mom work through a few things. Haley is stunned. She doesn’t know what the problem is, all she knows is she’s been kicked out of her house. Ah, this all makes more sense now.

When Haley’s dad calls and tells her to return home, he reveals the family secret. For a short time, while he and her mother were broken up, her mom dated a guy from the country club and became pregnant. The guy split, and Haley’s dad stepped in, marrying her mom and claiming the boys as his own. Haley is stunned to learn her brothers are really her half brothers. She understands why her mom hates Bryce. She decides her dad is the best person on the planet, but doesn’t understand what he sees in her mom.

Even though Bryce seems interested in her, as the unfortunate telltale marks on her neck prove, Haley still isn’t sure where she stands with him. Is he making the best of the situation, or does he really like her? When they attend a country club event together, his dad tries to fix him up with the daughter of a business associate. The girl kisses Bryce, in front of Haley. Bryce jerks away from the girl, explaining he’s with Haley. The country club princess insults Haley. When Haley tries to return fire, Bryce suggests they leave. She can’t believe he wants her to walk away. All he cares about is what people think of him. Tired of not knowing where she stands, she tells him their deal is over and asks him to make a choice. Does he want to be with her or not?

He doesn’t say he wants her for his girlfriend. He just stares at her. Holding back the tornado of emotions threatening to burst forth from her chest, she walks away.

Bryce thinks it would be easier to date this new the country-club girl. She’d never argue with him. Of course, she’d expect expensive gifts. All Haley wants is to spend time with him. Irritated by the whole situation, he tracks Haley down and tells her she is a pain in the ass.

Ready for a fight, she opens her mouth, but he cuts her off by kissing her. It’s a full-body contact, we-might-as-well-be-horizontal kind of kiss. When the kiss ends, he leans his forehead against hers and tells her he is choosing her to be his girlfriend for real. While she’s thrilled, she can’t resist telling him she thinks he’s a pain in the ass too. Then she kisses him before he can yell at her.

I'm very impressed with how you inter-weaved the emotional reactions with the plot points. That's super important but some people just don't get it. It's probably a little long, but I think it's very good.

Good luck with submissions!

Permalink Reply by Christine Canada on April 20, 2012 at 11:48pm

Laura,

Thank you again for the feedback. I feel like I'm getting closer. I hope this process becomes easier with every book.

Chris

Permalink Reply by Megan Gregor on April 20, 2012 at 9:22pm

I am loving this synopsis. I just joined this group so I did not read the previous versions. I feel like I know the characters, their strengths and weaknesses, and I like them both. I'm not honestly sure what a cage fighter is, but I liked all those innuendo phrases. Wood chipper was my fav, but 'horizontal' was a close second.

What did he ever see in Brittany? He likes nod and grin types and she's just plain batty. Not his type which I know hwat is because he clearly states what is his type. (I thought high school boys just liked a pulse)

Bryce needs to grow some, and I'm not sure by the end if he does- he seems to back down a lot and then confesses feelings in private- is it for real?

The subplot of the mother is sad, it sounds like she never gets resolution there, just facts.

If you are trying to shorten it, which I recommend, I would look at the several examples of her mother's weirdness. I think one and a hint of two would suffice.

I think the para about Bryce finding out about his father's affair could go, you give other examples of him trusting her and falling for her.

Where does she get the gumption to give him an ultimatum? Good for her, but I don't see either parent being too confident, just sayin'

I also think you could shorten the bit about her being kicked out, she calls her Dad...the next day he reveals a secret. The middle part is interesting but not integral to the plot, seemingly.

IMHO all of this. Thank you for sharing, I'm really impressed. I have to get to work whipping mine into shape! You are a good example! Happy Writing, ~Megan

Permalink Reply by Christine Canada on April 20, 2012 at 11:52pm

Thank you for the feedback. By cage fighter, I mean one of those ultimate fighters where 2 guys enter a cage and they fight until one is knocked out. I think those have to be the scariest guys on the planet. They might have a bit too much testosterone.

Congrats on joining the group. I just became active in it a few months ago. The support is awesome.

Chris

Permalink Reply by Nicole Zoltack on April 21, 2012 at 10:15am

When honor student HALEY PATTERSON hears that her long time crush, BRYCE COLTON is telling everyone they hooked up over the weekend, she is furious and slightly curious. She investigates and discovers it’s a case of mistaken identity.

With her reputation circling the drain, Haley gives Bryce an ultimatum. Either he pretends to be her boyfriend for a month, or she'll tell cage fighter about the fling he faces his own personal death match with the cage fighter.

Bryce can’t believe an honor student is blackmailing him. The only reason he bragged about hooking up with someone was to send a message to his ex, BRITTANY, that they were finished. He’d broken up with her three times, but she refused to acknowledge their relationship was over. She refuses to acknowledge that their relationship is over even though he'd broken up with her three times.

When they’re alone, Haley’s mom tells her that she’s being stupid because rich boys only date blue-collar girls for one reason. As far as Haley is concerned, they’ve reached a new low in their dysfunctional mother-daughter relationship.

When Bryce discovers his dad is having an affair, Haley is the only person he can talk to about it. He knows she won’t judge him. When she tells him about the strained relationship with her mother, he realizes he feels sorry for her. He cares about her and that scares the hell out of him.

Bryce almost hits a dog when he’s driving in a rainstorm. Cursing Haley, (Why is he cursing Haley?) he risks his own safety to rescue the dog. Once he has it, he doesn’t know what to do with it, so he takes it to Haley’s house. Together, they give the dog a bath. Even though the dog stinks, (comma not needed) and his shirt is ruined (comma) Bryce realizes he’s having fun with Haley. For the first time, he kisses her.

When her parents come home, her mom's angry at unloads on Bryce, accusing him of dropping a problem in Haley’s lap and walking away. Her dad intervenes, like he always does when her mom gets weird.

Even though Haley doesn’t fit Bryce’s ideal image of a girlfriend, he wants her, which surprises him. When Brittany pulls a major stunt at school, (What is the stunt? If you don't detail what it is, I would delete the reference to it.) culminating in the rumor that Haley is pregnant, the school principal pulls Haley, Bryce and Brittany into his office. Even though Haley denies the rumor, the principal insists she call home and tell her parents about the incident. If they her parents are concerned (comma) they can take her for a pregnancy test at the doctors.

When Haley tells her mom about the stupid rumor, her mom bursts into tears. Her dad comes on the phone and tells Haley it would be best if she stayed over at a friend’s house that night while he and her mom work through a few things. Haley is stunned. She doesn’t know what the problem is, all she knows is she’s been kicked out of her house.

When Haley’s dad calls and tells her to return home, he reveals the family secret.

Even though Bryce seems interested in her, as the unfortunate marks on her neck prove, (When did she get those marks?) Haley still isn’t sure where she stands with him. Is he making the best of the situation, or does he really like her? When they attend a country club event together, his dad tries to fix him up with the daughter of a business associate. The girl kisses Bryce, in front of Haley. Bryce jerks away from the girl, explaining he’s with Haley. The country club princess insults Haley. When Haley tries to return fire, Bryce suggests they leave. She can’t believe he wants her to walk away. All he cares about is what people think of him. Tired of not knowing where she stands, she tells him their deal is over and asks him to make a choice. Does he want to be with her or not?

He doesn’t say he wants her for his girlfriend. He just stares at her. Holding back the tornado of emotions threatening to burst forth from her chest, she walks away.

Bryce thinks it would be easier to date this new the country club girl. She’d never argue with him. Of course, she’d expect expensive gifts. All Haley wants is to spend time with him. Irritated by the whole situation, he tracks Haley down and tells her she is a pain in the ass.

Ready for a fight, she opens her mouth, but he cuts her off by kissing her. It’s a full-body contact, we-might-as-well-be-horizontal kind of kiss. When the kiss ends, he leans his forehead against hers and tells her he is choosing her to be his girlfriend for real. While she’s thrilled, she can’t resist telling him she thinks he’s a pain in the ass too. Then she kisses him before he can yell at her.

You use the word when too often and it makes it a little repetitive. When this happens, that happens. Also, you might want to go more into how Bryce changes because when he thinks about dating the new girl, he doesn't seem to have changed much, or at least not enough to deserve Haley.

I hope some of this helps!

Permalink Reply by Christine Canada on April 21, 2012 at 4:34pm

How did I not see all of those Whens? Thank you for pointing them out. Back to work.

StaffPermalink Reply by LM Preston on April 28, 2012 at 6:59pm

Hi! Here's my feedback:

When honor student HALEY PATTERSON hears that her long time crush, BRYCE COLTON is telling everyone they hooked up over the weekend, she is furious and slightly curious. She investigates and discovers it’s a case of mistaken identity. The girl he hooked up with, HALEY HOFFMAN, gave the wrong last name in an attempt to hide the fling from her cage fighting boyfriend. ~ Hook still missing

With her reputation circling the drain, Haley gives Bryce an ultimatum. Either he pretends to be her boyfriend for a month, or he faces his own personal death match with the cage fighter. ~Love this hook!

Bryce can’t believe an honor student is blackmailing him. The only reason he bragged about hooking up with someone was to send a message to his ex, BRITTANY, that they were finished. He’d broken up with her three times, but she refused to acknowledge their relationship was over. ~Hook needed (but I really like this paragraph!)

Instead of ending his girl problems, Bryce has created new ones. His “Girlfriend” comes with twin brothers who threaten to feed him through a wood chipper feet first if he mistreats their sister. His father isn’t happy to hear he’s dating the daughter of the man who mows the grass at the country club. And unlike the girls he normally dates, Haley doesn’t nod, smile and agree with everything he says. She’s difficult, insisting he help her at the animal shelter where she volunteers. ~Good

Haley isn’t naïve enough to believe that country-club-golden-boy Bryce will fall in love with her. After spending time with him, she isn’t sure she wants him to. He’s used to getting his way all of the time. Plus he comes with a crazy ex girlfriend who focuses all her anger on Haley, spreading viscous rumors and physically attacking Haley in PE. ~Wow, good stuff here.

Bryce does his best ?? (reword) to defend Haley from his ex and the rumors. He steps up when her car is vandalized, following her home and helping her explain to her dad why someone painted SLUT on the side of her car. Her dad admits that Bryce may not be the asshole her brothers say he is. When they’re alone, Haley’s mom tells her that she’s being stupid because rich boys only date blue-collar girls for one reason. As far as Haley is concerned, they’ve reached a new low in their dysfunctional mother-daughter relationship. ~hook?

When Bryce discovers his dad is having an affair, Haley is the only person he can talk to about it. He knows she won’t judge him. When she tells him about the strained relationship with her mother, he realizes he feels sorry for her. He cares about her and that scares the hell out of him. ~love the inflection of character 'voice' here

Bryce almost hits a dog when he’s driving in a rainstorm. Cursing Haley, he risks his own safety to rescue the dog. Once he has it, he doesn’t know what to do with it, so he takes it to Haley’s house. Together, they give the dog a bath. Even though the dog stinks, and his shirt is ruined Bryce realizes he’s having fun with Haley. For the first time, he kisses her. ~aww, where's the hook, consequences?

After the phenomenal kiss, Haley thinks she and Bryce might have a shot at a real relationship. When her parents come home, her mom unloads on Bryce, accusing him of dropping a problem in Haley’s lap and walking away. Her dad intervenes, like he always does when her mom gets weird. ~flows off a little. What problem? this seems off.

Even though Haley doesn’t fit Bryce’s ideal image of a girlfriend, he wants her, which surprises him. When Brittany pulls a major stunt at school, culminating in the rumor that Haley is pregnant, the school principal pulls Haley, Bryce and Brittany into his office. Even though Haley denies the rumor, the principal insists she call home and tell her parents about the incident. If they are concerned they can take her for a pregnancy test at the doctors. ~Whoops pregnancy test - great hook. (Byce & Brittany - sometimes using same letter beginning for characters gets reader confused.)

When Haley tells her mom about the stupid rumor, her mom bursts into tears. Her dad comes on the phone and tells Haley it would be best if she stayed over at a friend’s house that night while he and her mom work through a few things. Haley is stunned. She doesn’t know what the problem is, all she knows is she’s been kicked out of her house. ~Wow great hook.

When Haley’s dad calls and tells her to return home, he reveals the family secret. For a short time, while he and her mother were broken up, her mom dated a guy from the country club and became pregnant. The guy split, and Haley’s dad stepped in, marrying her mom and claiming the boys as his own. Haley is stunned to learn her brothers are really her half brothers. She understands why her mom hates Bryce. She decides her dad is the best person on the planet, but doesn’t understand what he sees in her mom. ~Hook missing

Even though Bryce seems interested in her, as the unfortunate marks on her neck prove, Haley still isn’t sure where she stands with him. Is he making the best of the situation, or does he really like her? When they attend a country club event together, his dad tries to fix him up with the daughter of a business associate. The girl kisses Bryce, in front of Haley. Bryce jerks away from the girl, explaining he’s with Haley. The country club princess insults Haley. When Haley tries to return fire, Bryce suggests they leave. She can’t believe he wants her to walk away. All he cares about is what people think of him. Tired of not knowing where she stands, she tells him their deal is over and asks him to make a choice. Does he want to be with her or not? ~Be careful asking questions in a synopsis you are telling the reader the story. Turn question into hook.

He doesn’t say he wants her for his girlfriend. He just stares at her. Holding back the tornado of emotions threatening to burst forth from her chest, she walks away. ~hook - how does he feel about that?

Bryce thinks it would be easier to date this new girl. She’d never argue with him. Of course, she’d expect expensive gifts. All Haley wants is to spend time with him. Irritated by the whole situation, he tracks Haley down and tells her she is a pain in the ass. ~hook needed

Ready for a fight, she opens her mouth, but he cuts her off by kissing her. It’s a full-body contact, we-might-as-well-be-horizontal kind of kiss. When the kiss ends, he leans his forehead against hers and tells her he is choosing her to be his girlfriend for real. While she’s thrilled, she can’t resist telling him she thinks he’s a pain in the ass too. Then she kisses him before he can yell at her *cute, loved it.

The Lies that Bind version #3 by Chris Canada

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