Snark and Circumstance synopsis

[Stephanie Wardrop]

I'm just copying and pasting and skpping the PDF since everyone else did.  I've been asked by an agent (squeee!) to get this down to 1 1/2 to 2 pages and here's my shot at it.  I feel like I'm leaving a lot out,even though this ain't exactly War and Peace.  Thanks for all feedback! And sorry if the formatting is a little wonky.

    On the first day of her junior year, sixteen-year-old GEORGIA BARRETT learns that the Devil wears Polo.

      It’s her second year at Longbourne High, and she’s promised her mother that she will be “more proactive” about friendships this year – which for Georgia will mean keeping her sharp tongue in a permanent sheath.  When a new boy, MICHAEL ENDICOTT, shows up in homeroom, Georgia sees the perfect opportunity to test out her people skills.  She tries to draw him into conversation, only to be told by him that he doesn’t need her as a one-woman Welcome Wagon.  Though he’d attended the prestigious Pemberley Academy until this year, his family has been in this picture postcard New England town since the first cornerstones were laid down by them – or their indentured servants, Georgia thinks.  But she doesn’t say this.  If he’s going to be a pompous ass, she’s just going to ignore him.

     This becomes impossible when he shows up in all of her classes and he’s put in her group for the year-long projects in AP English class.  But Georgia’s still willing to keep her promise to her mother and play nice, even when her older sister TORI drags her to a choice senior party at the home of queen bee WILLOW HARPER, who does her best to embarrass and belittle Georgia.  It’s an endurance test as she stands there fuming in her battered Chuck Taylors and cartoon t-shirt, trying to stay afloat in the sea of Madras and pink skirts with seahorses cavorting about them.  The party includes Michael, who gets Georgia to lash out at him, finally, when he doesn’t want his doctor father to examine Tori’s ankle when she sprains it.  Georgia berates the group as hypocrites and leaves the party even less popular than when she came, while Tori, with her typical luck, falls on the Harpers’ terrace and has handsome newcomer TREY BILLINGSLEY III fall for her.

       When Georgia’s mother drags her to the Harvest Ball at the country club, Michael asks her to dance.  She feels a surprising comfort in his arms, but when it seems he’s making fun of Cassie and Leigh as the most opposite twins he’s ever encountered, Georgia’s about to lash out in defense senior JEREMY WRENTHAM cuts in. He is beautiful, charming, and mysterious because he, too, was expelled from Pemberley just like Michael was (and Georgia will never admit to how much she’d love to know the reasons why).  The fact that Michael seems to hate him makes him all the more attractive to Georgia as he whisks her around the ballroom in a cinematic moment that ends too soon.

      So when she’s invited to a New Year’s party that she’s sure Jeremy will attend, she’s uncharacteristically eager to go – under the cover that she’s really going for Tori, who is worried that Trey is spending too much time on the ski slopes of Vail with Willow Harper.  Jeremy mixes a lethal alcoholic concoction that Georgia gulps down, despite Michael’s warnings (why does he have to show up everywhere?) and gets tipsy enough to enjoy a make-out session on a couch but not so drunk that she’s ready to go home with Jeremy at his increasing insistence.  Michael rescues her and drives her home, leaving Tori behind for a happy reunion with Trey.  As they sit outside the Barretts’ house watching the snow fall and talking until Georgia’s ready to go inside, she finds Michael, at that moment, eminently likable.

     Just as she is enjoying the new friendship/détente with Michael, her far less discerning sister, Cassie, hooks up with Jeremy and becomes convinced she’s pregnant.  Georgia drives her to the next town’s drug store for a pregnancy test – and Michael sees her standing in the feminine hygiene aisle holding the test kit.  Georgia’s mortified, but when Michael comes to her house to suggest they begin dating because he knows the pregnancy test wasn’t for her, Georgia is insulted for Cassie (and maybe a little for herself).  She declares Michael a judgmental tool and kicks him out of her house.

     But as she spends time with a growing group of friends form school, she gains some important insight into both Michael and herself.  When she’s asked to sell her vegan baked goods at her friends’ punk rock show, she concludes that she gains more converts to her cause with cupcakes than the accusatory editorials she’s written for the alternative paper.  When she meets a former Pemberley classmate of Michael’s, she discovers that Michael wasn’t expelled for cheating on a history test as she had heard – he had taken the blame so that this boy could maintain his scholarship.  She starts to think she might have been a little too hard on Michael.

    Still, most of Meryton High deserves her wrath, she finds, when stories about Cassie’s hookup with Jeremy lead to her being taunted and grabbed in the halls and someone writes “SLUT” in red nail polish on her locker, while Jeremy is elevated to King Stud status and cheered as a hero.  Recognizing that this town needs a lesson in the hypocrisy of the double standard, Georgia convinces Cassie to wear a red "A" affixed to her sweater the next day, because everyone has had to read The Scarlet Letter their freshman year.  (And Cassie agrees because in Easy A Emma Watson looked so gorgeous and she got Penn Badgeley in the end).    When Cassie’s only ridiculed more, Georgia stands up in the cafeteria to berate her classmates for their mindless sexism, only to be smacked down by Willow and her harpies as a “pathetic virgin” with a chip on her shoulder.

    Humbled by the harm she’s done to Cassie, Georgia starts to rethink the way she’s handled nearly everything this year, including Michael Endicott.  When an anonymous letter to the alternative paper defends Cassie against the school’s hypocrisy, Georgia feels grateful.   While on a tour of colleges with her mother and Tori, she runs into Michael and his father. They have dinner together, and while she’s embarrassed that her mom seems to be flirting with Dr. Endicott, she appreciates how easy it is to talk to Michael now and is ready to confess that she’s come to admire him for what he did for his fellow student back at Pemberley.  But she’s cut off when Dr. Endicott teases Michael about his new girlfriend, the poised and sophisticated DARIEN DRAKE.

    She feels even more forlorn when the editor of the alternative paper tells her it was Michael who wrote the letter that changed people’s opinions about Cassie.  And when Trey tells her – breaking a promise not to – that after she kicked him out, Michael left her house to confront Jeremy, who has a history of videotaping his conquests and posting his exploits on the internet, Georgia knows how wrong she’s been about Michael all along.  He had saved her and Cassie, even after she had treated him so badly.

    On learning this, Georgia drops everything and catches up with Michael on one of his cross country runs.  Breathless and dizzy – and not just from the running – she kisses him, and then runs away herself because she’s not the kind of girl who kisses someone else’s boyfriend.  Even though she just did.  And now she feels even worse.

    A day later, Michael calls to invite Georgia over to his house the next evening.  As her sisters go off to the prom, Georgia goes to Michael’s house, where he has decked the pool area with candles that glow on the water.  She starts to cry and apologize for what an ass she’s been.  He reassures her that he doesn’t have any interest in Darien and that he even drove to a store a half hour away to buy vegan marshmallows for the s’mores he makes in the fire pit.  They taste gross with the champagne he also brought, but for once, Georgia’s not complaining.  She’s found love and a new way of looking at the world – with a little less snark and a lot more patience with people’s unique and often unknowable circumstances.

 

[Sarah Negovetich]

Stephanie,

This is such an great story. I really appreciate that your MC comes to realize her own issues.

I can see why your potential agent (squeeing right along with you!) asked to have this cut down. My initial reaction was a bit confused. There are so many characters here it makes your story sound more confusing than I'm sure it is. There are a few folks who are only mentioned once or twice (Trey, Darien, Georgia's mom, etc.). I would first look to see how they can be cut. For, example, we don't really need to know that Tori is with Trey. This sounds like a subplot and doesn't make any changes to Georgia and Michael's story. In the end, we don't have to know it's Trey that tells Georgia about Michael's good deeds. You can just say she found out.

 

So this leads to my second suggestion which is to cut out or reduce as much of the subplot as you can. For example, we don't need the details of Georgia suggesting Cassie wear a scarlett A. You can just say that Cassie tries to help but her efforts backfire sending Cassie's reputation into a nose dive.

 

There are also some smaller details that I would either drop or try to weave into more of the story. For example, we don't hear about Georgia being a vegan until half-way through the synopsis, but then it seems to play a large role in the story. This leaves me confused as to if this aspect of her personality is important to the story or not.

 

I leave you with one last comment, because I'm starting to feel like I'm tearing this up when it is actually a really nice start. My last thought is to try to cut out some of the things you have in quotation marks or in parenthesis. You have a lot of these and some of them add a really nice voice to the piece. However, all the extra punction makes this look too busy and breaks up the flow of the sentences. I'd suggest finding places you can work these bits into the normal flow of the text.

 

Good luck and I hope this helps! Keep us posted on your agent.

[Stephanie Wardrop]

Thanks, Sarah!  This makes perfect sense.  If I cut out half the subplot, it makes sense to go all the way.  And highlight the vegan aspect earlier.  Will do and repost. Thank you again!

[Mari J Carpenter]

Hey Stephanie! Georgia's back! I remember this story and happy that an agent is looking! :)

I agree with Sarah's comments. The story flows beautifuly - then stumbles with Cassie and the Scarlett letter May not need to drawn out so long. Love the ending!

Mari J

[Stephanie Wardrop]

Thanks, Sarah and Mari!  I cut out all of the parantheses (which I realize I have a sick fondness forr.  Is there a twelve-step program I can join?) and all the subplot.  How does it read now? I really appreciate the help!

 

               On the first day of her junior year, sixteen-year-old GEORGIA BARRETT learns that the Devil wears Polo.

               It’s her second year at Longbourne High, and she’s promised her mother that she will be “more proactive” about friendships this year – which for Georgia will mean keeping her sharp tongue in a permanent sheath.  When a new boy, MICHAEL ENDICOTT, shows up in homeroom, Georgia sees the perfect opportunity to test out her people skills.  She tries to draw him into conversation, only to be told by him that he doesn’t need her as a one-woman Welcome Wagon.  Though he’d attended the prestigious Pemberley Academy until this year, his family has been in this picture postcard New England town since the first cornerstones were laid down by them – or their indentured servants, Georgia thinks.  But she doesn’t say this.  If he’s going to be a pompous ass, she’s just going to ignore him.  She’s got better things to do anyway, like crusade for veganism in the school’s alternative paper.

               This becomes impossible when he shows up in all of her classes and he’s put in her group for the year-long projects in AP English class.  But Georgia’s still willing to keep her promise to her mother and play nice, even when her older sister drags her to a choice senior party at the home of a queen bee who does her best to embarrass and belittle Georgia.  It’s an endurance test as she stands there fuming in her battered Chuck Taylors and cartoon t-shirt, trying to stay afloat in the sea of Madras and pink skirts with seahorses cavorting about them.  The party includes Michael, who gets Georgia to lash out at him, finally, when he doesn’t want his doctor father to examine Tori’s ankle when she sprains it.  Georgia berates the group as hypocrites and leaves the party even less popular than when she came.

               When Georgia’s mother drags her to the Harvest Ball at the country club, Michael asks her to dance.  She feels a surprising comfort in his arms, but when it seems he’s making fun of her and her sister, Georgia’s about to lash out in defense senior JEREMY WRENTHAM cuts in. He is beautiful, charming, and mysterious because he, too, was expelled from Pemberley just like Michael was.  The fact that Michael seems to hate him makes him all the more attractive to Georgia as he whisks her around the ballroom in a cinematic moment that ends too soon.

So when she’s invited to a New Year’s party that she’s sure Jeremy will attend, she’s uncharacteristically eager to go Jeremy mixes a lethal alcoholic concoction that Georgia gulps down, despite Michael’s warnings (why does he have to show up everywhere?) and gets tipsy enough to enjoy a make-out session on a couch but not so drunk that she’s ready to go home with Jeremy at his increasing insistence.  Michael rescues her and drives her home, leaving Tori behind for a happy reunion with Trey.  As they sit outside the Barretts’ house watching the snow fall and talking until Georgia’s ready to go inside, she finds Michael, at that moment, eminently likable.

Just as she is enjoying the new friendship/détente with Michael, her far less discerning sister, Cassie, hooks up with Jeremy and becomes convinced she’s pregnant.  Georgia drives her to the next town’s drug store for a pregnancy test – and Michael sees her standing in the feminine hygiene aisle holding the test kit.  Georgia’s mortified, but when Michael comes to her house to suggest they begin dating because he knows the pregnancy test wasn’t for her, Georgia is insulted.  She declares Michael a judgmental tool and kicks him out of her house.

But as she spends time with a growing group of friends form school, she gains some important insight into both Michael and herself.  When she’s asked to sell her vegan baked goods at her friends’ punk rock show, she concludes that she gains more converts to her cause with cupcakes than the accusatory editorials she’s written for the alternative paper.  When she meets a former Pemberley classmate of Michael’s, she discovers that Michael wasn’t expelled for cheating on a history test as she had heard – he had taken the blame so that this boy could maintain his scholarship.  She starts to think she might have been a little too hard on Michael.

Still, most of Meryton High deserves her wrath, she finds, when stories about Cassie’s hookup with Jeremy lead to her being taunted and grabbed in the halls and someone writes “SLUT” in red nail polish on her locker, while Jeremy is elevated to King Stud status and cheered as a hero.  Recognizing that this town needs a lesson in the hypocrisy of the double standard, Georgia convinces Cassie to wear a red "A" affixed to her sweater the next day, because everyone has had to read The Scarlet Letter their freshman year.  When Cassie’s only ridiculed more, Georgia stands up in the cafeteria to berate her classmates for their mindless sexism, only to be smacked down by a group of harpies as a “pathetic virgin” with a chip on her shoulder.

Humbled by the harm she’s done to Cassie, Georgia starts to rethink the way she’s handled nearly everything this year, including Michael Endicott.  When an anonymous letter to the alternative paper defends Cassie against the school’s hypocrisy, Georgia feels grateful.   While on a tour of colleges with her mother and Tori, she runs into Michael and his father. They have dinner together, and while she’s embarrassed that her mom seems to be flirting with Dr. Endicott, she appreciates how easy it is to talk to Michael now and is ready to confess that she’s come to admire him for what he did for his fellow student back at Pemberley.  But she’s cut off when Dr. Endicott teases Michael about his new girlfriend, a poised an sophisticated senior with raven black hair sleek as a mermaid’s tail.

She feels even more forlorn when the editor of the alternative paper tells her it was Michael who wrote the letter that changed people’s opinions about Cassie.  And when she discovers  that after she kicked him out, Michael left her house to confront Jeremy, who has a history of videotaping his conquests and posting his exploits on the internet, Georgia knows how wrong she’s been about Michael all along.  He had saved her and Cassie, even after she had treated him so badly.

On learning this, Georgia drops everything and catches up with Michael on one of his cross country runs.  Breathless and dizzy – and not just from the running – she kisses him, and then runs away herself because she’s not the kind of girl who kisses someone else’s boyfriend. 

A day later, Michael calls to invite Georgia over to his house the next evening.  As her sisters go off to the prom, Georgia goes to Michael’s house, where he has decked the pool area with candles that glow on the water.  She starts to cry and apologize for what an ass she’s been.  He reassures her that he doesn’t have any interest in Darien and that he even drove to a store a half hour away to buy vegan marshmallows for the s’mores he makes in the fire pit.  They taste gross with the champagne he also brought, but for once, Georgia’s not complaining.  She’s found love and a new way of looking at the world – with a little less snark and a lot more patience with people’s unique and often unknowable circumstances.

 

 

[Mari J Carpenter]

Much, much better! Georgia shows her teeth. Nice clean up. Only have one suggetion?

In this sententence:     She feels a surprising comfort in his arms, but when it seems he’s making fun of her and her sister, Georgia’s about to lash out in defense senior JEREMY WRENTHAM cuts in.

Seems like a word is missing - verb specific between defense and senior - just my suggestion -

othedrwise - I found this fantastic!

Way to go Stephanie!

 

[Stephanie Wardrop]

Thanks for catching that (and all your help along the way).  It's funny that Georgia has such sharp teeth, because as a vegan, she realy only needs to grind nuts and berries:). I'm posting a revised first five and would love more feedback if you have a chance.

How goes it for you?

[Sarah Negovetich]

Stephanie,

I made comments in line. I hope this helps. Great job in streamlining the story. 

 

 On the first day of her junior year, sixteen-year-old GEORGIA BARRETT learns that the Devil wears Polo.

               It’s her second year at Longbourne High, and she’s promised her mother that she will be “more proactive” about friendships this year – which for Georgia will means keeping her sharp tongue in a permanent sheath.  When a new boy, MICHAEL ENDICOTT, shows up in homeroom, Georgia sees the perfect opportunity to test out her people skills.  She tries to draw him into conversation, only to be told by him that he doesn’t need her as a one-woman Welcome Wagon.[this sentence reads a bit awkward for me. We can already assume from the prior sentence that she tries to talk to him. Maybe this sentence could focus on what Michael says to simplify it a bit] Though he’d attended the prestigious Pemberley Academy until this year, his family has been in this picture postcard New England town since the first cornerstones were laid down by them – or their indentured servants, Georgia thinks.[this part about Michael's family living in the town forever is intersting, but it breaks up the flow of the story a bit. Is there another way you can introduce this is Michael's first year? Maybe, "you'd think a guy who just got kicked out of the towns snobby prep school would appreciate a friendly face] But she doesn’t say this.  If he’s going to be a pompous ass, she’s just going to ignore him.  She’s got better things to do anyway, like crusade for veganism in the school’s alternative paper.

               This becomes impossible[ the 'this' in this sentence is unclear. Is it impossible to ignore Michael or crusade for veganism. I realize it's the former, but you might want to clarify]when he shows up in all of her classes and he’s put in her group for the year-long projects in AP English class.  [I would suggest this as a different paragraph] But Georgia’s still willing to keep her promise to her mother and play nice, even when her older sister drags her to a choice senior party at the home of a queen bee who does her best to embarrass and belittle Georgia.  It’s an endurance test as she stands there fuming in her battered Chuck Taylors and cartoon t-shirt, trying to stay afloat in the sea of Madras and pink skirts with seahorses cavorting about them.  The party includes Michael[this is a bit awkward], who gets Georgia to lash out at him, finally, when he doesn’t want his doctor father to examine Tori’s her sister's ankle when she sprains it.  Georgia berates the group as hypocrites and leaves the party even less popular than when she came. [This paragraph has a lot of longer sentences, especially the first one]

               When Georgia’s mother drags her to the Harvest Ball at the country club, Michael asks her to dance.  She feels a surprising comfort in his arms, but when it seems he’s making fun of her and her sister, Georgia’s about to lash out in defense senior JEREMY WRENTHAM cuts in. [this is a really long sentence]He is beautiful, charming, and mysterious because he, too, was expelled from Pemberley just like Michael was.  The fact that Michael seems to hate him makes him all the more attractive to Georgia as he whisks her around the ballroom in a cinematic moment that ends too soon.

So when she’s invited to a New Year’s party that she’s sure Jeremy will attend, she’s uncharacteristically eager to go. Jeremy mixes a lethal alcoholic concoction that Georgia gulps down, despite Michael’s warnings (why does he have to show up everywhere?) and gets tipsy enough to enjoy a make-out session on a couch but not so drunk that she’s ready to go home with Jeremy at his increasing insistence. [Super long sentence. it can easily be cut in towo] Michael rescues her and drives her home., leaving Tori behind for a happy reunion with Trey.  As they sit outside the Barretts’ house watching the snow fall and talking until Georgia’s ready to go inside, she finds Michael, at that moment, eminently likable.

Just as she is enjoying the new friendship/détente [i would pick one or the other. either new friendship or detente] with Michael, her far less discerning sister, Cassie, hooks up with Jeremy and becomes convinced she’s pregnant.  Georgia drives her to the next town’s drug store for a pregnancy test – and Michael sees her standing in the feminine hygiene aisle holding the test kit.  Georgia’s mortified, but when Michael comes to her house to suggest they begin dating because he knows the pregnancy test wasn’t for her, Georgia is insulted. [I don't really understand this part. why is she insulted? no guy would want to date a girl who thinks she's pregnant] She declares Michael a judgmental tool and kicks him out of her house.

But as she spends time with a growing group of friends form from school, [this is a bit confusing. early on we get the impression that she doesn't have a lot of friends. So where did this growing group come from] she gains some important insight into both Michael and herself.  When she’s asked to sell her vegan baked goods at her friends’ punk rock show, she concludes that she gains more converts to her cause with cupcakes than the accusatory editorials she’s written for the alternative paper.  When she meets a former Pemberley classmate of Michael’s, she discovers that Michael wasn’t expelled for cheating on a history test as she had heard – he had taken the blame so that this another boy could maintain his scholarship.  She starts to think she might have been a little too hard on Michael.

Still, most of Meryton High deserves her wrath, she finds, when stories about Cassie’s hookup with Jeremy lead to her being taunted and grabbed in the halls and someone writes “SLUT” in red nail polish on her locker, while Jeremy is elevated to King Stud status and cheered as a hero. [long sentence] Recognizing that this town needs a lesson in the hypocrisy of the double standard, Georgia convinces Cassie to wear a red "A" affixed to her sweater the next day, because everyone has had to read The Scarlet Letter their freshman year.  When Cassie’s only ridiculed more, Georgia stands up in the cafeteria to berate her classmates for their mindless sexism, only to be smacked down by a group of harpies as a “pathetic virgin” with a chip on her shoulder.

Humbled by the harm she’s done to Cassie, Georgia starts to rethink the way she’s handled nearly everything this year, including Michael Endicott.  When an anonymous letter to the alternative paper defends Cassie against the school’s hypocrisy, Georgia feels grateful.  new paragraph While on a tour of colleges with her mother and Tori, she runs into Michael and his father. They have dinner together, and while she’s embarrassed that her mom seems to be is flirting with Dr. Endicott, she appreciates how easy it is to talk to Michael. now and is She's ready to confess that she’s come to admire him for what he did for his fellow student back at Pemberley.  But she’s cut off when Dr. Endicott teases Michael about his new girlfriend, a poised and sophisticated senior with raven black hair sleek as a mermaid’s tail.

She feels even more forlorn when the editor of the alternative paper tells her it was Michael who wrote the letter that changed people’s opinions about Cassie.  And when she discovers  that after she kicked him out, Michael left her house to confront Jeremy, who has a history of videotaping his conquests and posting his exploits on the internet, Georgia knows how wrong she’s been about Michael all along.  He had saved her and Cassie, even after she had treated him so badly.

On learning this, Georgia drops everything and catches up with Michael on one of his cross country runs.  Breathless and dizzy – and not just from the running – she kisses him, and then runs away herself because she’s not the kind of girl who kisses someone else’s boyfriend. 

A day later, Michael calls to invite Georgia over to his house the next evening.  As her sisters go off to the prom, Georgia goes to Michael’s house, where he has decked the pool area with candles that glow on the water.  She starts to cry and apologize for what an ass she’s been.  He reassures her that he doesn’t have any interest in Darien a girlfriend and that he even drove to a store a half hour away to buy vegan marshmallows for the s’mores he makesd in the fire pit.  They taste gross with the champagne he also brought, but for once, Georgia’s not complaining.  She’s found love and a new way of looking at the world – with a little less snark and a lot more patience with people’s unique and often unknowable circumstances.

[Stephanie Wardrop]

Thank you so much!  This is just what I need!  I'm posting a revised first five this morning, so if you can get to it with your eagle eye and great ear for the flow of things, I'd appreciate it!

[Laura Chesterson]

Hi Stephanie!

I understand the basic plot and character arc, so you did a god job with that. For my tastes, there's too much detail in places (like clothes and hair), there are a number of run-on-sentences, and the synopsis is over 1200 words when it should be closer to 750. Also, you introduced the names: Tori, Trey, and Darien without ever explaining who they are. If I were you, I'd cut it down to the basics, use verbs and slang to convey voice, and leave out setting/dress details. (If a sub-plot has to go, I suggest cancelling the vegan-muffin one.)

My comments are in bold.

On the first day of her junior year, sixteen-year-old GEORGIA BARRETT learns that the Devil wears Polo.

I've noticed other people with one-line intros. I don't have one in my synopsis. Where can I buy one of those things?

               It’s her second year at Longbourne High, and she’s promised her mother that she will be “more proactive” about friendships this year – which for Georgia will mean keeping her sharp tongue in a permanent sheath.  When a new boy, MICHAEL ENDICOTT, shows up in homeroom, Georgia sees the perfect an opportunity to test out her people skills. and She tries to draw him into conversation, (period) He snubs her, saying he doesn't need only to be told by him that he doesn’t need her as a one-woman Welcome Wagon.  Though he’d attended the prestigious Pemberley Academy until this year, (So was she at Pemberley, too? I don't get the point of this info.) his family has been in this picture postcard New England town since the first cornerstones were laid down by them – or their indentured servants, Georgia thinks.  But she doesn’t say this.  If he’s going to be a pompous ass, she’s just going to ignore him.  She’s got better things to do anyway, like crusade for veganism in the school’s alternative paper.

               This becomes impossible when he shows up in all of her classes and he’s is put in her group for the year-long projects in AP English class.  But Georgia’s still willing to keep her promise to her mother and play nice, even when her older sister drags her to a choice senior party at the home of a queen bee who does her best to embarrass and belittle Georgia.  It’s an endurance test as she stands there fuming in her battered Chuck Taylors and cartoon t-shirt, trying to stay afloat in the sea of Madras and pink skirts with seahorses cavorting about them.  The party includes Michael, who gets Georgia to lash out at him, finally, when he doesn’t want his doctor father to examine Tori’s ankle when she sprains it.  Georgia berates the group as hypocrites and leaves the party even less popular than when she came.

After the first line, things get too detailed (unless you're going for chick-lit) and there are three run-on-sentences. Who is Tori? The insertion of her name is confusing. I suggest trimming this to the basics.

               When Georgia’s mother drags her to the Harvest Ball at the country club, Michael asks her to dance.  She feels a surprising comfort in his arms, but when it seems he’s making fun of her and her sister, Georgia’s about to lash out in defense when senior JEREMY WRENTHAM cuts in. (You used "lash out" in the last para. Find another description.) He is beautiful, charming, and mysterious because he, too, was expelled from Pemberley just like Michael was.  The fact that Michael seems to hate him makes him all the more attractive to Georgia as he whisks her around the ballroom in a cinematic moment that ends too soon.

So when she’s invited to a New Year’s party that she’s sure Jeremy will attend, she’s uncharacteristically eager to go (period) Jeremy mixes a lethal alcoholic concoction that Georgia gulps down, despite Michael’s warnings (why does he have to show up everywhere?) and gets tipsy enough to enjoy a make-out session on a couch but not so drunk that she’s ready to go home with Jeremy at his increasing insistence.  Michael rescues her and drives her home, leaving Tori behind for a happy reunion with Trey.  (Who are Tori and Trey? Her friends? Mean girls? Michael's friends? I'd cut that part.) As they sit outside the Barretts’ house watching the snow fall and talking until Georgia’s ready to go inside, she finds Michael, at that moment, eminently likable.

But as she spends time with a growing group of friends form from school, she gains some important insight into both Michael and herself.  When she’s asked to sell her vegan baked goods at her friends’ punk rock show, she concludes that she gains more converts to her cause with cupcakes than the accusatory editorials she’s written for the alternative paper.  When she meets a former Pemberley classmate of Michael’s, she discovers that Michael wasn’t expelled for cheating on a history test as she had heard – he had taken the blame so that this boy could maintain his scholarship.  She starts to think she might have been a little too hard on Michael.

Still, most of Meryton High (I thought she was at "Longbourne High".) deserves her wrath, she finds, when stories about Cassie’s hookup with Jeremy lead to her being taunted and grabbed in the halls and someone writes “SLUT” in red nail polish on her locker, while Jeremy is elevated to King Stud status and cheered as a hero.  Recognizing that this town needs a lesson in the hypocrisy of the double standard, Georgia convinces Cassie to wear a red "A" affixed to her sweater the next day, because everyone has had to read The Scarlet Letter their freshman year.  When Cassie’s only ridiculed more, Georgia stands up in the cafeteria to berate her classmates for their mindless sexism, only to be smacked down by a group of harpies as a “pathetic virgin” with a chip on her shoulder.

Humbled by the harm she’s done to Cassie, Georgia starts to rethink the way she’s handled nearly everything this year, including Michael Endicott.  (Good line and character insight) When an anonymous letter to the alternative paper defends Cassie against the school’s hypocrisy, Georgia feels grateful.   While on (You use "while" in the next line.) During a tour of colleges with her mother and Tori, she runs into Michael and his father. They have dinner together, and while she’s embarrassed that her mom seems to be flirting with Dr. Endicott, she appreciates how easy it is to talk to Michael now and is ready to confess that she’s come to admire him for what he did for his fellow student back at Pemberley.  But she’s cut off when Dr. Endicott teases Michael about his new girlfriend, a poised an and sophisticated senior with raven black hair sleek as a mermaid’s tail. (I think this is too detailed.)

A day later, Michael calls to invite Michael invites Georgia over to his house the next evening.  As her sisters go off to the prom, Georgia goes to Michael’s house, where he has decked the pool area with candles that glow on the water.  She starts to cry and apologize for what an ass she’s been.  He reassures her that he doesn’t have any interest in Darien (You never introduced the name Darien) and that he even drove to a store a half hour away to buy vegan marshmallows for the s’mores he makes in the fire pit.  They taste gross with the champagne he also brought, but for once, Georgia’s not complaining.  She’s found love and a new way of looking at the world – with a little less snark and a lot more patience with people’s unique and often unknowable circumstances.

Good luck!

[Stephanie Wardrop]

Thanks for your help, Laura -- you caught all the stuff I thought I cut out (but obviously didn't) like the names.  Will go back and incorporate your suggestions and Sarah's.  If I can send you a one-liner as a thank-you, it's yours free!