Revised Synopsis Edge of the Falls

[Nazarea Andrews]

Hey, thanks so much in advance for all your help! (I've revised based on y'all's awesome feedback.)

N~

[Nicole Zoltack]

Edge of the Falls is a dystopian fairytale retelling of Beauty and the Beast. When SABAH Sabah, an outcast of society, falls for a wild ban-wolf, she has to choose between the boy who saved her life as a child and the dangers of a broken world.(Love this beginning!)

Sabah SABAH was thrown out of Mlena, the nearby Commission controlled city, as a child. (Why?) She’s spent her entire life with BERG, the boy who saved her when she was exiled (How did he save her?) and the MISTRESS, the mysterious woman who raised them and never explained why. But despite the dangers of living outside of a Shielded city, Sabah is content with her life, caring for the castoff children the Mistress collects and in love with Berg. 

But as Sabah gets older, and her future looms unpredictable before her, she is increasingly uncomfortable with the Mistress and her secrets. Why does she risk the life of a child twice a year for a flower? Why does she open her home to them at all? And when Sabah comeS of age, what will become of her—will she be turned out of the only home she’s ever known? (I'm not sure this paragraph is needed.)

After a fight (what did they fight about?) with  (there's an extra space here) Berg, Sabah goes for a walk by herself and loses loosesher balance on the icy cliff, beginning to fall into the deadly waterfall they live next to. She’s rescued by a white ban-wolf, a man genetically crossed with a wolf, the result of a government goverment experiment. Despite the rumors that ban-wolves are deadly and ruthless, this one is seems oddly protective, and after he disappears into the wilds—the untamed land where rovers and predators live—Sabah struggles to forget him, and his strange kindness.

As her (how old?) birthday draws closer, so does the day that KADIA, the six-year-old girl Sabah has cared for, will be lowered into the waterfall, to a cave behind the water in search of starrbriars, a rare flower that the Mistress is obsessed with. And then the Rovers arrive, they bring with an them the offer of marriage for Sabah and the choice between a life, constantly moving, battling the wind and other predators, or a chance at Citizenship Citzenship with Berg. (I'm a little confused here. Who are the Rovers? Why do they offer Citizenship? And the marriage offer is for Sabah and who?)

When Kadia is seriously injured in her search for the Mistress starrbriars, Sabah forces Berg to use his influence with the Mistress (You might want to mention his closeness to the Mistress earlier) to get them into Mlena for medicines. Berg doesn’t understand Sabah’s hesitance to join the City—he sees only an opportunity to further the education the Mistress has begun. But the closeness between Berg and the Mistress is something that bothers Sabah almost as much as the thought of living within the City, under the control of the Commission.

Aware of the special training the Mistress has given to Berg, (What is the special training?) a Citizen arrives at the Manor offering Sabah and Berg Citizenship in Mlena. Coming on the heels of finding out that Berg is sleeping with the Mistress, (How did she learn this?) Sabah runs away, getting lost in the wilds. A bear attacks her and ARJUN, her elusive white ban-wolf, and his pack rescue her.

In the cave that the pack calls home, Sabah is hidden and healed from the attack that almost killed her. And the ban-wolves leader, the stern ROOK, tells her about reveals secrets about the woman who raised her: a genetics expert who the Commission exiled, is searching for starrbriars--the Mistress. And the flowers, which have healing properties for the ban-wolves, is seems to be the key to a reversal of the experiments on the pack.

Despite the dangers of the pack, and the unfriendly and untrusting Rook, Sabah finds herself comfortable in the care of the ban-wolves, and grows closer to Arjun every day. But the world outside the pack cave is carrying on—and the ban-wolves are leaving as well, headed heading to a city built with stolen technology and hidden from the Commission. When an acid storm ravages the forest and mountainside, Arjun, fearful for her safety, demands Sabah return to the Mistress.

Sabah agrees—she knows that she has the best chance of getting a cure if the Mistress has one. Accompanied by Arjun and his best friend MERC, she returns to the Manor, knowing she has the best chance of getting a cure if the Mistress has one. And despite her love for Arjun, she barters her freedom for the tentative cure the Mistress has been working on with Berg. In exchange for the ban-wolves cure, she agrees to go to Mlena with Berg.

Using Merc as a guinea pig, the Mistress and Berg test the cure. and are as surprised as the ban-wolves when it actually works, and Merc is returned to the somewhat handsome human he was before the Commission’s experiments. Before Sabah says goodbye, Merc gives her a note, and makes her promise to read it if she ever decides a life in the city with Berg is not what she wants. And then the two ban-wolves leave disappear, headed to meet the pack at their hidden city and Sabah is left waiting to go to the City.

When word of a plague spreading through the roving tribes reaches the Commission, they order Mlena quarantined, and Sabah and Berg are rushed to the City. WRENFEL LARK is assigned their sponsor and over several weeks, ferries them around the city to be tested. Despite the Commission’s seeming fascination in Berg and his training under the Mistress, Wrenfel confides that they are much more interested in Sabah. In her fertility, and the children two Outsiders, who had spent their whole lives in the elements of a ravaged world, could produce.

As Sabah realizes that she has not traded just her freedom, but her children’s, she begins to wonder if she has made the right choice. She finds Merc’s note, and a hastily drawn map to the ban-wolves City. 

When Berg, who has realizeSd Sabah will never be happy with him, is called to another city to test a plague victim, he smuggles her out of Mlena and into the wilds. She, where she follows the rough map to a castle-like ruins. There Merc finds her, and escorts her back to the ban-wolves city, where the cure has changed almost half the pack back into humans.

But not Arjun. When Sabah finally finds him, she learns that he is still a ban-wolf. The, that the cure only works on some. Sabah tells him she doesn’t care, about how she made a choice—perhaps the first choice she ever made—to leave behind safety and prestige in a City, leave Berg, for a chance at love, in whatever form it comes.

Sounds like a fascinating story! I hope some of my suggestions are helpful.

[LM Preston]

Here you go:

Overall remember your hooks, and you have lots of really long sentences.

Edge of the Falls is a dystopian fairytale retelling of Beauty and the Beast. When Sabah SABAH, an outcast of society, falls for a wild ban-wolf, she has to choose between the boy who saved her life as a child and the dangers of a broken world.

SABAH was thrown out of Mlena, the nearby Commission controlled city, as a child. She’s spent her entire life with BERG, the boy who saved her when she was exiled and the MISTRESS, the mysterious woman who raised them and never explained why. But despite the dangers of living outside a Shielded city, Sabah is content with her life, caring for the castoff children the Mistress collects and in love with Berg. 

But as Sabah gets older, and her future looms unpredictable before her, she is increasingly uncomfortable with the Mistress and her secrets. Why does she risk the life of a child twice a year for a flower? Why does she open her home to them at all? And when Sabah come of age, what will become of her—will she be turned out of the only home she’s ever known? ( Rephrase - you don't want to have questions in your synopsis)

After a fight with  Berg, Sabah goes for a walk and looses her balance on the icy cliff, beginning to fall into the deadly waterfall they live next to. She’s rescued by a white ban-wolf, a man genetically crossed with a wolf, the result of a goverment experiment. Despite the rumors that ban-wolves are deadly and ruthless, this one is seems oddly protective, and after he disappears into the wilds—the untamed land where rovers and predators live—Sabah struggles to forget him, and his strange kindness.

As her birthday draws closer, so does the day that KADIA, the six year old girl Sabah has cared for, will be lowered into the waterfall, to a cave behind the water in search of starrbriars, a rare flower that the Mistress is obsessed with. And then the Rovers arrive, they bring with them the offer of marriage for Sabah and the choice between a life, constantly moving, battling the wind and other predators, or a chance at Citzenship with Berg. *Sentence is too long.

When Kadia is seriously injured in her search for the Mistress starrbriars, Sabah forces Berg to use his influence with the Mistress to get them into Mlena for medicines. Berg doesn’t understand Sabah’s hesitance to join the City—he sees only an opportunity to further the education the Mistress has begun. But the closeness between Berg and the Mistress is something that bothers Sabah almost as much as the thought of living within the City, under the control of the Commission.

And the white ban-wolf keeps lingering on the edges of her thoughts and appearing with small gifts when she is alone. (Move this up with the paragraph above - great hook)

Aware of the special training the Mistress has given to Berg, a Citizen arrives at the Manor offering Sabah and Berg Citizenship in Mlena. Coming on the heels of finding out that Berg is sleeping with the Mistress, Sabah runs away, getting lost in the wilds. A bear attacks her and ARJUN, her elusive white ban-wolf, and his pack rescue her. (hook needed)

In the cave that the pack calls home, Sabah is hidden and healed from the attack that almost killed her. And the ban-wolves leader, the stern ROOK, reveals secrets about the woman who raised her: a genetics expert who the Commission exiled, is searching for starrbriars. And the flowers, which have healing properties for the ban-wolves, seems to be the key to a reversal of the experiments on the pack.

Despite the dangers of the pack, the unfriendly and untrusting Rook, Sabah finds herself comfortable in the care of the ban-wolves, and grows closer to Arjun every day. But the world outside the pack cave is carrying on—and the ban-wolves are leaving as well, headed to a city built with stolen technology and hidden from the Commission. When an acid storm ravages the forest and mountainside, Arjun, fearful for her safety, demands Sabah return to the Mistress.

Sabah agrees—she knows that she has the best chance of getting a cure if the Mistress has one. Accompanied by Arjun and his best friend MERC, she returns to the Manor. And despite her love for Arjun, she barters her freedom for the tentative cure the Mistress has been working on with Berg. In exchange for the ban-wolves cure, she agrees to go to Mlena with Berg.

Using Merc as a guinea pig, the Mistress and Berg test the cure and are as surprised as the ban-wolves when it actually works, and Merc is returned to the somewhat handsome human he was before the Commission’s experiments. Before Sabah says goodbye, Merc gives her a note, and makes her promise to read it if she ever decides a life in the city with Berg is not what she wants. (Shorten Sentence) And then the two ban-wolves disappear, headed to meet the pack at their hidden city and Sabah is left waiting to go to the City. (Hook needed)

When word of plague spreading through the roving tribes reaches the Commission, they order Mlena quarantined, and Sabah and Berg are rushed to the City. WRENFEL LARK is assigned their sponsor and over several weeks, ferries them around the city to be tested. Despite the Commission’s seeming fascination in Berg and his training under the Mistress, Wrenfel confides that they are much more interested in Sabah. In her fertility, and the children two Outsiders, who had spent their whole lives in the elements of a ravaged world, could produce.

As Sabah realizes that she has not traded just her freedom, but her children’s, she begins to wonder if she has made the right choice. She finds Merc’s note, and a hastily drawn map to the ban-wolves City. 

When Berg, who has realized Sabah will never be happy with him, is called to another city to test a plague victim, he smuggles her out of Mlena and into the wilds, where she follows the rough map to a castle-like ruins. There Merc finds her, and escorts her back to the ban-wolves city, where the cure has changed almost half the pack back into humans.

But not Arjun. When Sabah finally finds him, she learns that he is still a ban-wolf, that the cure only works on some. Sabah tells him she doesn’t care, about how she made a choice—perhaps the first choice she ever made—to leave behind safety and prestige in a City, leave Berg, for a chance at love, in whatever form it comes.