En by Michelle Reynoso (synopsis)

[Michelle Reynoso]

     17 yr old FAITH wants to be a normal teenager, but discovering a parallel world, ENLITRA, and her own power have now ensured that her life will never go back to normal.

 

     An energy force, dormant inside of her and kindled on ENLITRA, is now uncontrollable back at home. Faith’s outbursts of power strain the relationship with her older brother EDDIE, who has stepped up as parent after their mom’s death and who is clueless to his sister’s abilities. Eddie threatens to send Faith to a program for troubled teens.

 

     Faith fakes an illness at school, and is surprised by the hazel eyed, gorgeous THOMAS who arrives, posed as her brother, to pick her up. Once inside Thomas’ car a passionate kiss ensues, and the exchange causes Faith to again lose control of her powers sending the cars in the school parking lot careening into each other. With alarms blaring, Faith and Thomas quickly escape the chaos for the safety of an old abandoned summer cottage where they will rendezvous with two more friends, CASSI and MICHAEL.

 

     Faith calls her brother in an effort to smooth things over, but in the middle of the call she discovers Belial - who was supposed to be dead - has returned and overtaken Eddie. Desperate to save her brother, Faith bonds energy with her four friends and escapes to Enlitra, inadvertently bringing her friends with her.

 

     On Enlitra, Faith learns the key to getting rid of Belial. She also learns that Belial is not just an evil menace hell-bent on taking over the world, he is also her father, and he had a part in her mother’s death. Angry and armed with knowledge of how to kill Belial, Faith and her friends return to the abandoned cottage where Belial awaits. 

 

    Faith confronts Belial, who continues to inhabit her brother’s body. In order to battle Belial, Faith must also battle her brother, and during the confrontation Faith sends a fiery blast that maims her brother and sends Belial fleeing. But it’s not over. Belial has not gone far. He still hunts Faith. To get to her, he imprisons Cassi & Michael, rendering them unable to move, and inhabits Thomas’ body.

 

     In the final battle, Faith manipulates Belial for a kiss from Thomas, and uses the power that wells up inside of her for a final barrage against Belial.

 

     Faith awakens in a hospital with Thomas by her side. Eddie is in intensive care. The cops are asking questions. And Faith learns that Belial has escaped. Again.

 

(The story continues in book 2 of The Energy Trilogy, Li) - Thanks for the feedback in advance. I don't know why I found the synopsis to be so challenging?

[Gayle C. Krause]

Michelle:

IMHO I think you need to tweak this more. Too may loose ends make it hard to understand. It's clear you now what you are talking about, but the ew reader will not. I've bolded suggestions and CAPITALIZED comments. Hope this helps.

Best of Luck,

Gayle

Seventeen-year-old FAITH wants to be a normal teenager, but discovering a parallel world, ENLITRA, and her own power(,) have now ensures that her life will never go back to normal. WHAT IS HER POWER? NEED TO BE ADDRESSED IN THIS PARAGRAPH.

An energy force, dormant inside of her and kindled in ENLITRA, is now uncontrollable back at home. Faith’s outbursts of power strain the relationship with her older brother EDDIE, who has stepped up as parent after their mom’s death and who is clueless to his sister’s abilities. Eddie threatens to send Faith to a program for troubled teens.

Faith fakes an illness at school, and is surprised by the hazel-eyed, gorgeous THOMAS who arrives, posing as her brother, to pick her up. Once inside Thomas’ car a kiss ensues, and the passion exchange causes Faith to again lose control of her powers(.) sending the Cars in the school parking lot careening into each other. With alarms blaring, Faith and Thomas quickly escape the chaos for the safety of an old abandoned summer cottage where they will rendezvous with two more friends, CASSI and MICHAEL.

Faith calls her brother in an effort to smooth things over, but in the middle of the call she discovers Belial WHO IS THIS CREATURE? NEEDS TO BE EXPLAINED HERE- who was supposed to be dead - has returned and overtaken Eddie. Desperate to save her brother, Faith bonds energy with her four friends and escapes to Enlitra, inadvertently bringing her friends with her.

In Enlitra, Faith learns the key to getting rid of Belial. She also learns that Belial is not just an evil menace hell-bent on taking over the world, he’s also her father(.) And he had a part in her mother’s death. Angry and armed with knowledge of how to kill Belial, Faith and her friends return to the real world. the abandoned cottage where Belial awaits. 

Faith confronts Belial, still inhabiting Eddie’s body, at the cottage(.) who continues to inhabit her brother’s body. In order to battle Belial, Faith must also battle her brother, and during the confrontation Faith sends a fiery blast HOW? YOU NEED TO EXPLAINHER POWERS ABOVE FOR THIS TO MAKE SENSE that maims her brother and sends Belial fleeing. But it’s not over. Belial has not gone far. He still hunts Faith. To get to her, he imprisons Cassi & Michael, rendering them unable to move, and inhabits Thomas’ body. WHAT IS HE? A DEMON? NEEDS TO BE EXPLAINED.

In the final battle, Faith manipulates Belial for a kiss from Thomas, and uses the power that wells up inside of her for a final barrage against Belial. KISSES GIVE HER POWER?

 

     Faith awakens in a hospital with Thomas by her side. Eddie is in intensive care. The cops are asking questions. And Faith learns that Belial has escaped. Again.

 

[Michelle Reynoso]

Yay! Thanks Gayle...this is the exact kind of direction I needed. I will incorporate these suggestions to make this synopsis cleaner  & clearer. Thanks again for taking the time to review it.

[C. Lee McKenzie]

I don't know what her power is and I think that's very important. Here's my suggestion for tightening your query and getting that information up front. 

17 yr old FAITH USED to be a normal teenager. THEN SHE discoverED a parallel world, ENLITRA, AND HER ABILITY TO XXX, ONCE DORMANT, HAS BEEN ACTIVATED. THIS power ENSURES that her life will never RETURN TO normal.

An energy force, dormant inside of her and kindled on ENLITRA, is now uncontrollable back at home. (What do you mean by uncontrollable back home? This force is rampant on the planet or within her?) outbursts of power strain the relationship with her older brother EDDIE, who has stepped up as parent after their mom’s death.  BECAUSE HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE SOURCE OF his sister’s abilities, Eddie threatens to send Faith to a program for troubled teens.

 

     Faith fakes an illness at school, SHE'S surprised WHEN the hazel eyed THOMAS  arrives, poseING as her brother, to pick her up. Once inside Thomas’ car THEY KISS passionatELY, and Faith lose control of her powers, sending  cars in the school parking lot careening into each other. With alarms blaring, (YOU DON'T MEAN THIS. YOU MEAN THE CARS ARE BLARING WITH ALARMS, NOT FAITH AND THOMAS. I'D DELETE IT. YOU'VE SAID THERE'S CHAOS IN THE NEXT SENTENCE.)Faith and Thomas quickly escape the chaos for the safety of an old abandoned summer cottage where they will rendezvous with two more friends, CASSI and MICHAEL.

 

     Faith calls her brother in an effort to smooth things over, but in the middle of the call she discovers Belial - who was supposed to be dead - (I NEED TO KNOW WHY BELIAL IS IMPORTANT TO THE STORY. S/HE COMES FROM NOWHERE HERE.) has returned and overtaken Eddie. Desperate to save her brother, Faith bonds energy with her four friends and escapes to Enlitra, inadvertently bringing her friends with her. ( SO HER FRIENDS HAVE POWERS, TOO?)

 

     On Enlitra, Faith learns the key to getting rid of Belial. She also learns that Belial is not just an evil menace hell-bent on taking over the world,(THIS NEEDS TO BE EARLIER IN THE SYOP.) he is also her father, and he had a part in her mother’s death. Angry and armed with knowledge of how to kill Belial, Faith and her friends return to the abandoned cottage where Belial awaits. 

 

    Faith confronts Belial, who continues to inhabit her brother’s body.(YOU HAVE TO TELL US THAT ABOVE.) In order to battle Belial, Faith must also battle her brother, and during the confrontation Faith sends a fiery blast that maims her brother and sends Belial fleeing. But it’s not over. (THE BATTLE ISN'T OVER? MAKE SURE YOUR "IT'S" HAS A CLEAR REFERENCE.) Belial has not gone far. He still hunts Faith. To get to her, he imprisons Cassi & Michael, rendering them unable to move, and inhabits Thomas’ body.

 

     In the final battle, Faith manipulates Belial for a kiss from Thomas, and uses the power that wells up inside of her for a final barrage against Belial.

 

     Faith awakens in a hospital with Thomas by her side. Eddie is in intensive care. The cops are asking questions. And Faith learns that Belial has escaped. Again.

SOUNDS AS IF YOU'RE SETTING THIS UP AS A SERIES? INTERESTING. I LIKE THAT YOU HAVE FRIENDS CONNECTING IN YOUR STORY. I THINK THAT WILL APPEAL TO A YOUNG READER. IT WILL ALSO GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO DEVELOP YOUR MC THROUGH OTHER CHARACTERS' INTERACTIONS WITH HER.

[Michelle Reynoso]

Thanks C. Lee...I've got some work to do here - thanks for the great feedback!

[Laura Chesterson]

Hi Michelle

I think you did a good job, and I only have a few questions and suggestions.

An energy force, dormant inside of her and kindled on ENLITRA, is now uncontrollable back at home. Faith’s outbursts of power strain the relationship with her older brother EDDIE, who has stepped up as parent after their mom’s death and who is clueless to his sister’s abilities. Eddie threatens to send Faith to a program for troubled teens.

There isn't enough info on "energy force" and "power." Is she setting fires? Blowing stuff up? Setting loose a deadly black mold?

Faith fakes an illness at school, (no comma) and is surprised by the hazel eyed, gorgeous THOMAS who arrives, posed posing as her brother, to pick her up. Once inside Thomas’ Thomas's (only plural nouns omit last "s")  car a passionate kiss ensues, and the exchange causes Faith to again lose control of her powers sending the cars in the school parking lot careening into each other. With alarms blaring, Faith and Thomas quickly escape the chaos for the safety of an old abandoned summer cottage where they will rendezvous with two more friends, CASSI and MICHAEL.

 

     Faith calls her brother in an effort to smooth things over, but in the middle of the call she discovers Belial - who was supposed to be dead - has returned and overtaken Eddie. Desperate to save her brother, Faith bonds energy with her four friends and escapes to Enlitra, inadvertently bringing her friends with her.

How will her escaping save her brother? It makes her seem like a coward.

 

Faith confronts Belial, who continues to inhabit her brother’s body. In order to battle Belial, Faith must also battle her brother, and during (To get rid of the "confront/confrontation" repeat and "battle," which is repeated in the next para, try:)  Faith fights Belial, who is in her brother's stolen body. During the confrontation Faith sends a fiery blast that maims her brother and sends Belial fleeing. But it’s not over. Belial has not gone far. He still hunts Faith. To get to her, he imprisons Cassi & Michael, rendering them unable to move, and inhabits Thomas’ Thomas's body.

 

Good luck!

[Sarah Negovetich]

Michelle,

I'm no expert so please take this all with a grain of salt.

There are a few things that confused me about this and it left me with a lot of questions. Right off the bat, I am wondering about the powers. How did she get them? How does she discover another world?

 

When Thomas appears we don't know that he is her friend so I was shocked by the immediate make-out session. It wasn't until I read the rest of the paragraph that I realized she already knew him.

 

When you say Belial has overtaken Eddie it makes me think he overpowered him and has him captured. Then much later, I was shocked by the reference to Belial inhabiting Eddies body.

 

You say she bonds energy with her four friends but we only know of three (Thomas, Cassie and Michael). Also, how will returning to Enlitra help her free Eddie.

 

One general comment here, I don't really get a sense of your voice in this synopsis. I don't have a sense of who Faith is as a person, so I don't feel invested in her story. This is a stylistic thing so I can't say how this should be done. The way I think of it is how would this sound if my MC were telling this story. So how would Faith tell her own story? But of course, in third person.

 

I hope this helps. If you get a chance, I'd love to get your thoughts on my synopsis. Good luck!

Sarah

[Michelle Reynoso]

Thanks Laura! This feedback is really helpful, because I'm seeing recurring items that need strengthening, which is so hard to see when crafting the synopsis (because I know the story, it's hard to see it objectively as someone who knows nothing about the story). So thanks!

 

Hi Sarah, my fellow #MNINB participant :) I so appreciate the feedback, and I think you brought up some really good points. I'm going to print-out everyone's feedback and view it side-by-side against the synopsis, and then tweak from there. I'll pop over to your synopsis. I meant to do it today, as I saw your name come up when I posted mine, but I got really busy & sidetracked today.  I'll try to do it tomorrow. :)

[Christine Canada]

 I like the concept. The suggestions below are just my opinion. Take what works. Ignore the rest.

17 yr old FAITH wants to be a normal teenager, but discovering a parallel world, ENLITRA, and her own power have now ensured that her life will never go back to normal. Love the concept, but the sentence might need to be tightened. 

 

     An energy force, dormant inside of her and kindled on ENLITRA, is now uncontrollable back at home. Faith’s outbursts of power strain the relationship with her older brother EDDIE, who has stepped up as parent after their mom’s death and who is clueless to his sister’s abilities. Eddie threatens to send Faith to a program for troubled teens. I'd switch the sentence structure around. Tell us who Eddie is, that he's her de facto parent, and that he's unaware so he threatens to send her away.

 

     Faith fakes an illness at school, and is surprised by the hazel eyed, gorgeous THOMAS who arrives, posed as her brother, to pick her up. Once inside Thomas’ car a passionate kiss ensues Does she know this guy? sounds like she's kissing a stranger, and the exchange causes Faith to again lose control of her powers sending the cars in the school parking lot careening into each other. With alarms blaring, Faith and Thomas quickly escape the chaos for the safety of an old abandoned summer cottage where they will rendezvous with two more friends, CASSI and MICHAEL. Do you need to mention the friends in the query?

 

     Faith calls her brother in an effort to smooth things over, but in the middle of the call she discovers Belial - who was supposed to be dead - has returned and overtaken Eddie. Desperate to save her brother, Faith bonds energy with her four friends and escapes to Enlitra, inadvertently bringing her friends with her.Who is Beliel?

 

     On Enlitra, Faith learns the key to getting rid of Belial. She also learns that Belial is not just an evil menace hell-bent on taking over the world, he is also her father, and he had a part in her mother’s death. Angry and armed with knowledge of how to kill Belial, Faith and her friends return to the abandoned cottage where Belial awaits. 

 

    Faith confronts Belial, who continues to inhabit her brother’s body. In order to battle Belial, Faith must also battle her brother, and during the confrontation Faith sends a fiery blast that maims her brother and sends Belial fleeing. But it’s not over. Belial has not gone far. He still hunts Faith. To get to her, he imprisons Cassi & Michael, rendering them unable to move, and inhabits Thomas’ body.

 

     In the final battle, Faith manipulates Belial for a kiss from Thomas, and uses the power that wells up inside of her for a final barrage against Belial. Interesting.

 

     Faith awakens in a hospital with Thomas by her side. Eddie is in intensive care. The cops are asking questions. And Faith learns that Belial has escaped. Again.

 

(The story continues in book 2 of The Energy Trilogy, Li) - Thanks for the feedback in advance. I don't know why I found the synopsis to be so challenging?

[Amanda Schoen]

Hey Michelle! 

I love a good sibling story!

I think C. Lee addressed most of my concerns, but here's my two cents anyway ;) :

For the first few paragraphs, I wasn't sure whether this was a paranormal or a sci-fi, from the talk of parallel worlds. It took me awhile to figure out she was probably on Earth.

Maybe instead of stating that she discovers she has "her own power", it might be clearer if you just tell us what that power is.

I agree with C. Lee that Balael came out of nowhere, and that I was confused about whether her friends had power (from the line about her bonding powers with them).

Also, this might be less of a synop issue and more of a story issue, but it states that she kisses Thomas while his body is inhabited by her father. If that's not right, maybe make that clear in the synop, b/c it sounds like she's kissing her dad ;).

Also, if you're going to mention Cassie and Michael, consider telling us what happens to them. We're left with them immobile and held captive, and then they're sort of dropped.

Good luck with this! Sounds like fun!

 

[Michelle Reynoso]

Wow guys, this is some REALLY good stuff! Thanks Christine! Thanks Amanda!

[Stephanie Wardrop]

Great responses that covered what I would have said so I'll wait for the rewrite.  I think if you can clarify what her powers are, you'l have a lot of people want to read the manuscript. Good luck!

[Michelle Reynoso]

Amazing feedback from everyone, thank you so much. Here's the revised synopsis. What do you think?

 

En

Synopsis

 

            Seventeen-year-old FAITH used to be a normal teenager. That changed when she discovered, ENLITRA - - Earth’s sister world, and her own power.

            In the last three months, Faith has faced the loss of her mother, inherited an overprotective brother as a guardian, and discovered a secret. She is special - - not special as in little-yellow-school-bus special, but special as in abilities, powers, & super-hero stuff. She has energy inside her that makes things happen, crazy things, things she doesn’t understand. Faith can manipulate energy & translate it into physical forms, but she hasn’t learned how to control it. Faith has kept her power a secret. That is about to change.

            While doing homework, Faith’s mind wanders back to memories about the day she killed BELIAL, a nefarious outcast from Enlitra who knew of Faith’s power and was bent on collecting Faith’s energy - her En. These memories spark an uncontrolled outburst of Faith’s power, leaving pots, pans, and papers strewn across the counters and floor. EDDIE -- who stepped up as parent after their mom’s death and who is clueless to his sister’s abilities – walks into the kitchen to find the mess, and Eddie is not happy.

            That night, Faith is unable to sleep. Without realizing she is doing it, Faith sparks her power again and she transports herself to a pond down the street. Exhausted & drained, Faith falls asleep by the pond. She’s out all night. When the sun rises, Faith wakes up frantic - her powers aren’t working. She has to get back before Eddie wakes up. She races through the woods in hot pink pajamas and slippers. When she arrives, the doors are locked; no keys. She’s forced to enter her bedroom through the window, but instead of a graceful entrance, she falls to the floor; head first, her body piled-up on top of itself. The whole house shook. Eddie hears the commotion - he grounds her for a week and takes away her cell phone.

            The next day at school, after being bullied in the girl’s bathroom by a girl with green mysterious eyes, Faith fakes an illness. She calls CASSI - - her blonde-haired Barbie-doll best friend -- to help spring her from school, but is instead surprised by the hazel-eyed, gorgeous THOMAS - - an old lab partner & crush who Faith had almost kissed once before. Thomas arrives, posing as her brother, to pick her up.

             Once inside Thomas’s car, a passionate kiss ensues, and the passion causes Faith to again lose control of her powers. Cars in the school parking lot careen into each other. Thomas is oblivious to the real cause of the mayhem, Faith and Thomas quickly escape the chaos for the safety of an abandoned summer cottage where they rendezvous with Cassi and MICHAEL - - Cassi’s smoking, playboy boyfriend.

             In the interim, Faith calls her brother in an effort to smooth things over, but the call is interrupted on Eddie’s side by a knock at the door. Faith discovers it is Belial – very much alive – who overtakes & inhabits Eddie’s body during the call. Faith is frantic to save her brother. She grabs Thomas and tries to convince him to drive her home, but Thomas refuses, thinking it would be a trap. Thomas calms Faith down and convinces her to wait for Cassi & Michael, and to come up with a plan.

             Once Cassi & Michael arrive, Faith has a plan. She will create a path to Enlitra, and once there, she will find help. But first, she must acquire additional energy for the trip. She persuades her friends to join her in a “relaxation exercise” to help calm her nerves, but really she’s borrowing their energy, to prepare for the trip.

             Faith’s plan works - she travels to Enlitra, but inadvertently, she brings her friends with her. Now Faith’s secret is out. She is forced to explain her connection to Enlitra and the powers she has inside her.

            On Enlitra, Faith meets up with CYRUS --The Great Seer & oldest Elder of Enlitra, EIR -- Cyrus’ assistant, and THE ORENDAI who teaches Faith the key to getting rid of Belial. She also learns that Belial is not just a nefarious outcast from Enlitra bent on taking over the world, he’s her father. And he had a part in her mother’s death. Angry and armed with knowledge of how to kill Belial, Faith and her friends return to the abandoned cottage.

            Belial is waiting for them. Faith confronts Belial, still inhabiting Eddie’s body, at the cottage. In order for Faith to stand against Belial, she must battle her brother, and during the confrontation Faith sends a fiery blast that maims him. Belial is sent fleeing. But the battle is not over. Belial has not gone far. He still hunts Faith. To get to her, he imprisons Cassi & Michael, rendering them unable to move, and inhabits Thomas’s body.

            Faith draws upon the memory of the first kiss with Thomas, and hopes to recreate the rush of power, to use it against Belial. She convinces Belial that she will give in to him, if he grants one last request - a kiss from Thomas, in between Belial’s transfer from Thomas’s body to hers. Belial agrees. Faith and Thomas kiss. The En swells up inside of Faith.  Faith directs some of the power to her friends to protect them, and the rest toward Belial. A battle ensues. In the end, Faith cannot kill Belial. She is not strong enough, yet. Instead, she seals his energy inside a stainless steel box, in hopes of delivering him to Enlitra. And then she passes out.

            Faith awakens in a hospital with Thomas by her side; Cassi and Michael close by. Eddie is in intensive care. The cops are asking questions. And Faith learns that Belial has escaped. Again.

(The story continues in book 2 of The Energy Trilogy, Li)