Revised: Desiderium by Candyce Pruitt-Goddard

[Candyce Pruitt-Goddard]

The idea of a synopsis is new to me, so I greatly appreciate any help you can give. I'm happier with this revision, but still think this synopsis is in serious need of help. 

Thanks in advance to anyone who can help!

[Laura Chesterson]

Hi Candyce!

I understood and like the basic idea of your story -- teens being targeted in a dystopian world, and them rebelling with 'new' ideas for which they're arrested/punished. That definitely has appeal to teen readers.

I think the first line has a good hook quality, but I thought "desire" meant lust and assumed your book would be a romance. The rest of the first paragraph confused me, I had to read each line several times, and I still wasn't sure I understood what a "Desiderium" (mouthful) could do by the end of the paragraph.

Yeah, synopses are hard. You have to get a balance between showing and telling and even try to make it sound a bit like the 'voice' of the character. Your synopsis is mostly telling. It needs some actions (and active verbs) to make me feel excitement and fear for the MC. I don't start feeling that until Paragraph 8. The synopsis needs a strong focus on Rhiley's emotions and should show some of the voice that I assume is in the ms. You start doing that in Paragraph 9.

If you inject more of what Rhiley does (active verbs) and her frightened/happy/hurt emotions as you go along, I think the synopsis would work better.

Good luck!

[Laura Chesterson]

Hi Candyce!

This synopsis is definitely an improvement. I'll make some line-by-line comments and suggestions, which you are free to take or ignore. Remember that the names of characters must be in caps when they're first introduced. Watch word repeats and the unnecessary use of "that."

Because of the Desiderium, it is illegal to want or desire anything. In the U.S. of 2030, it's illegal to want or desire anything because of the Desiderium. Their power to make anything happen by simply desiring it strongly enough forces the government to use chip implants to monitor citizens’ every want in a race to seek and kill the Desiderium before they are able to have a desire that could change everything. After all, past Desiderium are already responsible for making it so no one can eat anything without gaining weight, no one can have more than two children, and countries can no longer raise armies to protect themselves. There Fortunately, there is only ever one Desiderium at a time,. Unfortunately, and as soon as one dies, the ability is unknowingly passed on to another. Society fears them more than anything, and The government and society will stop at nothing to be protected from people they merely suspect of being a Desiderium, them, even if it means wrongfully killing someone (I think the killing part is a stronger para ending.) they merely suspect of being the Desiderium. After all, past Desiderium are already responsible for making it so no one can eat anything without gaining weight, no one can have more than two children, and countries can no longer raise armies to protect themselves.

After Seventeen seventeen-year-old Rhiley Winters’s RHILEY WINTERS's parents abandoned her when she was just sixteen, seven years after her brother dies, she decides not to died. She had two choices: notify the government and be placed into foster care, or hide and instead, hides it from everyone she knows. Terrified of being sent away from the life she’s created, she takes on as many jobs as she can to pay her parents’ bills and hide everything keeps her new life from the government. Her best friend JM, who must conceal his ability to fly from everyone he knows, is the only one she can trust with her secret.

Determined to stay under the government’s radar, Rhiley manages to suppress all of her desires until one morning, frantic to get ready for school, she wishes for more time. She doesn’t think much of it until she meets Isaak ISAAK and time literally slows down around them. Afraid she might be the Desiderium, she gets closer to him to figure out if he suspects anything. After an embarrassing encounter with her ex, (The part about the ex is confusing becaue you never mentioned him before. I'd take it out.) she sees Isaak walking toward her with the rest of the room frozen around them. It’s then that he admits that his mother was a Desiderium, and subsequently has the ability to speed up or slow down time. No longer worried that she might be the Desiderium, she makes a split-second decision to trust Isaak with her secret, and their lives quickly become intertwined.

Then when the (4 of your paragraphs start with "Then") When a six-year-old Desiderium is killed for bringing dinosaurs back to life, the government reveals that the ability of the Desiderium is always passed on to someone under the age of 18. Children and teenagers become the target of everyone’s suspicions as the government enforces stricter security measures against them. Having no other options, Rhiley and Isaak comply with the government’s demands to receive a new chip implant and submit weekly journal entries detailing everything that tempts them to feel desire.

 

Then her life slowly starts to unravel when in the span of one week, Rhiley loses two of her jobs. In the span of one week, Rhiley loses two of her jobs, and her life slowly starts to unravel. As she struggles to stay on top of her parents’ mortgage payments, she begins to question her decision to try to live on her own. Within days, she’s able to escape with Isaak Being with Isaak makes her feel better, especially since they can escape for months at a time, although it's only days to the rest of the world. and as she She falls in love with him, she and starts to regain hope that everything will be okay.

 

Then one of her close friends is attacked for nearly having a desire and Rhiley begins to doubt everything she’s ever been told about the Desiderium. Isaak, fearing for her safety, talks her into letting him use his ability to render her silicone chip inactive. Their feeling of security is fleeting, however, as another one of her friends is arrested for suggesting that the Desiderium may not be all bad.

 

Terrified and upset, she fills her journal with her own questions about the Desiderium, but days after she submits it, government officials show up at school to arrest her Rhiley. As she  Rhiley resigns herself to rotting away in her cell, she meets a woman (her name in caps) who opens her eyes to the age discrimination that has been going on around them for years.

 

Then Rhiley is extracted from her cell just long enough for the officials to beat her up and question her relentlessly about her parents, who she knows nothing about. After she’s thrown back into her cell, JM sneaks into the prison, and with Isaak’s help, breaks Rhiley out of jail. She throws her arms around him and just barely manages to fight the urge to kiss him. On the way out, they’re spotted by a security guard who quickly reaches for his gun. Without thinking, Rhiley shoves JM out of the way, and ends up shot in the arm.

 

She pushes through the pain, and as soon as they’ve escaped to they're in a safe place, JM reveals that he’s been in contact with her parents since they left, and tries to explain that He explains they only left because they had reason to believe that her brother was still alive. Hurt and betrayed by JM's betrayal, Rhiley doesn’t think she’ll be able to forgive JM, him/her and decides that she must find some other way out of the situation than to rejoin her parents.

 

After a quick reunion with Isaak, she tells him everything that happened in prison. Sympathetic to what Rhiley is feeling, he wishes for everyone to stop aging when they turn seventeen. He then asks Rhiley to marry him, and before she can respond, they’re interrupted by a loud scream. They rush into her friend’s house to see what’s wrong, only to find that her friend’s grandparents are 17 again. The book ends with a world full of seventeen-year-olds, and the belief that Isaak is the Desiderium.

 

Good luck!

[C. Lee McKenzie]

Overall the concept has promise: a controlling force that is never-ending, powerful citizens who must be kept in check or they will overthrow the D’s. I shudder at the thought of a world populated with only 17 year olds. :-)

There are some inconsistencies in the plot and I’ve tried to indicate where I think these need to be clarified. I also think you can delete some of the details that aren’t central to your main story thread. 

Good luck,

Lee

[I’m not sure if this is what you mean, but I think this opening paragraph needs to be much clearer and really powerful. Here’s one suggestion. ]

IN THE U.S. OF 2030 IT’S illegal FOR CITIZENS to desire anything. TO ENFORCE THIS LAW, THE DESIDERIUM IMPLANTS CHIPS THAT MONITOR ALL CITIZENS’ THOUGHTS--THOUGHTS THAT HAVE THE POWER TO TRANSLATE INTO ACTION. AND THE ONE ACTION EVERY CITIZEN WOULD DESIRE MOST IS TO KILL THE DESIDERIUM. 

[You have a lot of details in this second paragraph that I feel you could delete.] 

THERE’S ONLY ONE DESIDERIUM AT A TIME[ I'M NOT CLEAR ABOUT THIS], BUT WHEN ONE DIES, ANOTHER TAKES ITS PLACE, AND THE CITIZENS FEAR EACH ONE SO MUCH THEY WILL KILL EVEN WHEN THEY MAY BE KILLING AN INNOCENT AND NOT A HATED DESIDERIUM.

THE HATRED STEMS FROM LAWS LAID DOWN BY THE past Desiderium: no one can eat anything without gaining weight [THIS PROHIBITION SEEMS OUT OF STEP WITH THE OTHER TWO], no one can have more than two children, and countries can no longer raise armies to protect themselves.

Seventeen-year-old Rhiley Winters’s parents abandoned her when she was just sixteen, 

seven years after her brother died. She had two choices: notify the government and be placed into foster care, or hide HER SITUATION [DELETE from everyone she knows. ][DELETE]Terrified of being sent away from the life she’s created,] SHE CHOOSES TO HIDE WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO HER AND takes on as many jobs as she can to pay her parents’ bills [DELETE and hide from the government.] Her best friend JM, who must conceal his ability to fly from everyone he knows, [WHY? IS THIS ABILITY AGAINST THE LAW, TOO? IS IT RARE THAT IN 2030 CITIZENS ARE EMBUED WITH SUPERHUMAN CHARACTERISTICS?]is the only one she can trust with her secret. 

Determined to stay under the government’s radar, Rhiley manages to suppress all of her desires until one morning, frantic to get ready for school, she wishes for more time. She doesn’t think much of it until she meets Isaak and time [DELETE literally] slows down around them. Afraid she SHE OR HE? might be the Desiderium, she gets closer to him to figure out if he suspects anything. After an embarrassing encounter with her ex,[NECESSARY? WE DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM.][DELETE she sees] Isaak WALKS toward her with the rest of the room frozen around them. It’s then that he admits that his mother was a Desiderium, and HE has INHERITED? the ability to speed up or slow down time. No longer worried that she might be the Desiderium, she makes a split-second decision to trust Isaak with her secret, and their lives quickly become intertwined. [I’M NOT CLEAR WHY SHE’D SUSPECT HERSELF OF BEING A D. YOU NEED TO EXPLAIN THAT THE D MAY NOT KNOW THEY ARE D’S.]

Then when the six-year-old Desiderium WHO IS THIS? YOU HAVEN’T MENTIONED HIM/HER BEFORE AND YET YOU REFER TO THE SIX-YEAR-OLD AS “THE”] is killed for bringing dinosaurs back to life, the 

government reveals that the ability of the Desiderium is always passed on to someone under the age of 18.[SO BRINGING DINOSAURS IS A D. ABILITY? WHAT ARE THESE ABILITIES? THESE SHOULD BE SET OUT BEFORE.] Children and teenagers become the target of everyone’s suspicions as the government enforces stricter security measures against them. Having no other options, Rhiley and Isaak 

comply with the government’s demands to receive a new chip implant and submit weekly journal entries detailing everything that tempts them to feel desire. 

Then her life slowly starts to unravel when in the span of one week, Rhiley loses two of 

her jobs. As she struggles to stay on top of her parents’ mortgage payments, she begins to question her decision to try to live on her own. [DELETE Within days,] she’s able to escape with Isaak for months at a time, and as she falls in love with him, she starts to regain hope [DELETE that everything will be okay.] 

Then one of her close friends is attacked for nearly having a desire and Rhiley begins to 

doubt everything she’s ever been told about the Desiderium.[WAIT. I’VE LOST YOU HERE. SORRY, BUT WHAT HAS SHE BEEN TOLD AND WHY WOULD THIS EVENT MAKE HER DOUBT THE TRUTH?] Isaak, fearing for her safety, talks 

her into letting him use his ability to render her silicone chip inactive. Their feeling of security is fleeting, however, as another one of her friends is arrested for suggesting that the Desiderium may not be all bad. [SO THE D ARRESTS SOMEONE FOR SAYING GOOD THINGS ABOUT THEM?]

Terrified and upset, she fills her journal with her own questions about the Desiderium, 

but days after she submits it, government officials show up at school to arrest Rhiley. As Rhiley resigns herself to rotting away in her cell, she meets a woman who opens her eyes to the age discrimination that has been going on around them for years.  

Then Rhiley is extracted from her cell just long enough for the officials to beat her up and question her relentlessly about her parents, who she knows nothing about. After she’s thrown back into her cell, JM sneaks into the prison, and with Isaak’s help, breaks Rhiley out of jail. She throws her arms around him and just barely manages to fight the urge to kiss him. On the way out, they’re spotted by a security guard who quickly reaches for his gun. [DELETE Without thinking,] 

Rhiley shoves JM out of the way, and ends up shot in the arm. 

She pushes through the pain, and as soon as they’ve escaped to a safe place, JM reveals that he’s been in contact with her parents since they left, and tries to explain that they only left because they had reason to believe that her brother was still alive. Hurt and betrayed, Rhiley doesn’t think she’ll be able to forgive JM, and decides that she must find some other way out of the situation [TO ESCAPE THE D?] than to rejoin her parents.  

After a quick reunion with Isaak, she tells him everything that happened in prison. THIS IS TOO VAGUE. IF YOU MEAN THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT AGE BEING A FACTOR OF WHO BECOMES A D YOU NEED TO SAY THAT MORE CLEARLY.

Sympathetic to what Rhiley is feeling, he wishes for everyone to stop aging when they turn seventeen. SO ISAAK FREEZES THE 17-YEAR-OLDS IN TIME. I THINK THAT WOULD BE A BETTER WAY TO DESCRIBE WHAT HE DOES, IF THAT’S WHAT HE DOES. He then asks Rhiley to marry him, and before she can respond, they’re interrupted by a loud scream. They rush into her friend’s house [DELETE to see what’s wrong,] only to find that her friend’s grandparents are 17 again. The book ends with a world full of seventeen-year-olds, and the belief that Isaak is the Desiderium. SO HAVING A MOTHER WHO IS A D DOESN’T NECESSARILY MEAN THE CHILDREN BECOME D’S. 

[Alisha Marie Klapheke]

Hello Candyce,

Thanks for sharing your synopsis. Your story is certainly intriguing. I love the idea of hiding desires and a world of 17-year-olds. Wow. 

I'm not going to line edit this yet because IMO you need to go back and clarify what the Desiderium is in the first paragraph. At first, I thought everyone was a D because everyone had to get a chip. But then I thought they were the group in charge. Then I believed it was a condition present in some individuals. And at the end it seemed there was really only one, Issak. So obviously I was pretty confused. Maybe I just need another cup of coffee. 

I was also baffled by who the ex was. Why mention him? 

Also, watch out for "begins to", "starts to", and other phrases like that. Cut them and your synopsis will grow stronger.

Who was the little kid who wished for dinosaurs? And if Issak was the only D then how did that happen?

I look forward to a new draft because your premise is really great.

Good luck!

Alisha