Opening Two Paragraphs

[Kym Balthazar Fetsko]

I'm not sure if this is the appropriate place to put these up or not, but figured, what the heck.  I can always take um down and post in another group if need be.

Below are the opening two paragraphs of my MG novel, Lavender's Blue.  I've rewritten them so many times I've lost track of what I actually started with, but I've managed to mold them into the thoughts below.

I'm hoping for a few opinions on whether either of these openings grabbed you more (or at all) and any suggestions, and or advice on making them better.

Thanks for any feedback ~

a)

Sometimes it made you forget things or lose things, or on occasion, trip, run into things or fall.  The villagers of Olde Sixpence called it the Devil’s Nose, and you had to touch it as you passed.  If you didn’t, things happened—bad things,
unfortunate things.  Lavender Colchester
knew this.  In fact, her family concocted
the legend, but as she ran past Crown Tower and the doorknocker in the image of
some craggy old ancestor, she was so preoccupied she missed it. 

The chime of the clock sent blackbirds scattering and the knocker turned its head, pointing its crooked nose in the direction she ran.  It
hollered after her, but she couldn’t stop. 
She was late.  And nothing made
her aunt more furious than a lack of punctuality.

 

            b)

            It wasn’t the furious sound of blackbirds taking flight that made her forget, or the clock bell’s reverberating clamor.  No, it was the fear that bubbled
into Lavender Colchester’s throat at the thought of being late that made her
rush past the doorknocker carved in the image of one of her craggy old
ancestors. 

The villagers of Olde Sixpence called it the Devil’s Nose, and you had to touch it when you passed.  If you didn’t, things happened—bad things, unfortunate things.  Lavender Colchester
knew this.  In fact, the Colchester’s had
concocted the legend.  But as she ran
past Crown Tower the thoughts of her aunt’s sharp tongue caused her to miss it.  The knocker turned its head, pointing its
crooked nose in the direction she ran. 
It hollered after her, but she couldn’t stop.  She was late. 
And nothing made her aunt more furious than a lack of punctuality.

[Adrienne Gelbart]

Hi Kim,
You posted at a good time, I need an escape from my work, yuk!

I prefer (a) but am not convinced with the first line. Too many coma's, I have to concentrate and think hard to read it, it should be easier to read somehow.

Hope that helps!

[Sheri Larsen]

Hey Kym!!

Initially, I was leaning to the first option. But the second one seemed to tie together better. First idea bled throughout the rest of the sentences and tied-up with the last.

The first one gave an older sense, that the story was legend or something. If that's what you were going for, then you did it.

Not sure if this was any help at all, but you already know I love the idea of this story.

[LM Preston]

I'm all over B!!!

[Kym Balthazar Fetsko]

Thanks guys! I'm kind of leaning w/ b myself.

[C. Lee McKenzie]

 

I HAD A HARD TIME DECIDING WHICH OF THE VERSIONS I LIKED BEST. THEY ARE BOTH VERY STRONG, BUT I CAME DOWN ON THE SIDE OF B. I'D SUGGEST THAT YOU GET RID OF THE "WASN'T" AND THE "MADE" VERBS AND GO FOR STRONGER ONES. HERE'S ONE POSSIBLE WAY TO DO THAT.

 

I'D WANT TO READ ON AFTER THIS SCENE.

LEE

 It wasn’t The furious sound of blackbirds taking flight DIDN'T MAKE that made her forget, or NEITHER DID the clock bell’s reverberating clamor.  No, it was the fear that bubbled
into Lavender Colchester’s throat at the thought of being late that made her LAVENDER C.
rush past the doorknocker carved in the image of one of her craggy old
ancestors. 

 

The villagers of Olde Sixpence called it the Devil’s Nose, and you had to touch it when you passed.  If you didn’t, things happened—bad things, unfortunate things.  Lavender Colchester
knew this.  In fact, the Colchester’s had
concocted the legend.  But as she ran
past Crown Tower the thoughts of her aunt’s sharp tongue caused her to miss it.  The knocker turned its head, pointing its
crooked nose in the direction she ran. 
It hollered after her, but she couldn’t stop.  She was late. 
And nothing made her aunt more furious than a lack of punctuality.

[Amanda Schoen]

I liked the second half of B for the opening.  In other words, like so:

   It wasn’t the furious sound of blackbirds taking flight that made her forget, or the clock bell’s reverberating clamor.  No, it was the fear that bubbled into Lavender Colchester’s throat at the thought of being late that made her rush past the doorknocker carved in the image of one of her craggy old ancestors. 

The villagers of Olde Sixpence called it the Devil’s Nose, and you had to touch it when you passed.  If you didn’t, things happened.  Bad things.  Unfortunate things.  Lavender Colchester knew this.  In fact, the Colchester’s had concocted the legend.  But as she ran past Crown Tower the thoughts of her aunt’s sharp tongue caused her to miss it.  The knocker turned its head, pointing its crooked nose in the direction she ran.  It hollered after her, but she couldn’t stop.  She was late.  And nothing made her aunt more furious than a lack of punctuality.

 

Also, watch the passive voice.  For example: "And nothing made her aunt more furious than a lack of punctuality."  can be: "And nothing infuriated her aunt more than a lack of punctuality."

 

"thoughts" should probably be singular.

 

Colchester's should not have an apostrophe.

 

(In the second part of the paragraph, I changed the punctuation around "bad things, unfortunate things."  Feel free to ignore me :) ).

 

Amanda

[Kym Balthazar Fetsko]

Oooh, thanks C. Lee!  You're right, it does sound better that way ~

Excellent advice :)

C. Lee McKenzie said:

 

I HAD A HARD TIME DECIDING WHICH OF THE VERSIONS I LIKED BEST. THEY ARE BOTH VERY STRONG, BUT I CAME DOWN ON THE SIDE OF B. I'D SUGGEST THAT YOU GET RID OF THE "WASN'T" AND THE "MADE" VERBS AND GO FOR STRONGER ONES. HERE'S ONE POSSIBLE WAY TO DO THAT.

 

I'D WANT TO READ ON AFTER THIS SCENE.

LEE

 It wasn’t The furious sound of blackbirds taking flight DIDN'T MAKE that made her forget, or NEITHER DID the clock bell’s reverberating clamor.  No, it was the fear that bubbled
into Lavender Colchester’s throat at the thought of being late that made her LAVENDER C.
rush past the doorknocker carved in the image of one of her craggy old
ancestors. 

 

The villagers of Olde Sixpence called it the Devil’s Nose, and you had to touch it when you passed.  If you didn’t, things happened—bad things, unfortunate things.  Lavender Colchester
knew this.  In fact, the Colchester’s had
concocted the legend.  But as she ran
past Crown Tower the thoughts of her aunt’s sharp tongue caused her to miss it.  The knocker turned its head, pointing its
crooked nose in the direction she ran. 
It hollered after her, but she couldn’t stop.  She was late. 
And nothing made her aunt more furious than a lack of punctuality.

[Sheri Larsen]

Kym, you already know I love this. C. Lee made a great suggestion. I love it! (ps...still working on your second half. Hoping be finished by next week.)

Kym Balthazar Fetsko said:

Oooh, thanks C. Lee!  You're right, it does sound better that way ~

Excellent advice :)

C. Lee McKenzie said:

 

I HAD A HARD TIME DECIDING WHICH OF THE VERSIONS I LIKED BEST. THEY ARE BOTH VERY STRONG, BUT I CAME DOWN ON THE SIDE OF B. I'D SUGGEST THAT YOU GET RID OF THE "WASN'T" AND THE "MADE" VERBS AND GO FOR STRONGER ONES. HERE'S ONE POSSIBLE WAY TO DO THAT.

 

I'D WANT TO READ ON AFTER THIS SCENE.

LEE

 It wasn’t The furious sound of blackbirds taking flight DIDN'T MAKE that made her forget, or NEITHER DID the clock bell’s reverberating clamor.  No, it was the fear that bubbled
into Lavender Colchester’s throat at the thought of being late that made her LAVENDER C.
rush past the doorknocker carved in the image of one of her craggy old
ancestors. 

 

The villagers of Olde Sixpence called it the Devil’s Nose, and you had to touch it when you passed.  If you didn’t, things happened—bad things, unfortunate things.  Lavender Colchester
knew this.  In fact, the Colchester’s had
concocted the legend.  But as she ran
past Crown Tower the thoughts of her aunt’s sharp tongue caused her to miss it.  The knocker turned its head, pointing its
crooked nose in the direction she ran. 
It hollered after her, but she couldn’t stop.  She was late. 
And nothing made her aunt more furious than a lack of punctuality.

[Kym Balthazar Fetsko]

Hi Amanda,

I initially had started the story at the second paragraph but decided to start with some action instead.  I've gotten better feedback with this start.  I did like splitting the bad things sentence into smaller ones.  It gives more punch.

 

Thanks again ~ I appreciate your suggestions!

 

Kym

 

Amanda Schoen said:

I liked the second half of B for the opening.  In other words, like so:

   It wasn’t the furious sound of blackbirds taking flight that made her forget, or the clock bell’s reverberating clamor.  No, it was the fear that bubbled into Lavender Colchester’s throat at the thought of being late that made her rush past the doorknocker carved in the image of one of her craggy old ancestors. 

The villagers of Olde Sixpence called it the Devil’s Nose, and you had to touch it when you passed.  If you didn’t, things happened.  Bad things.  Unfortunate things.  Lavender Colchester knew this.  In fact, the Colchester’s had concocted the legend.  But as she ran past Crown Tower the thoughts of her aunt’s sharp tongue caused her to miss it.  The knocker turned its head, pointing its crooked nose in the direction she ran.  It hollered after her, but she couldn’t stop.  She was late.  And nothing made her aunt more furious than a lack of punctuality.

 

Also, watch the passive voice.  For example: "And nothing made her aunt more furious than a lack of punctuality."  can be: "And nothing infuriated her aunt more than a lack of punctuality."

 

"thoughts" should probably be singular.

 

Colchester's should not have an apostrophe.

 

(In the second part of the paragraph, I changed the punctuation around "bad things, unfortunate things."  Feel free to ignore me :) ).

 

Amanda

[Mona A. Radwan]

Hi there,

 I'm totally new to the site and thought I'd give you my two cents on the paragraphs. Do with it what you will--I liked B for the visual and sounds and the detail about Lavender's fear. After reading it a couple of times though, I like the sound of it if you take the first sentence from A "Sometimes...fall." and place it directly after the sentence that ends with "craggy old ancestors." to sort of introduce the effects it has. I don't think you're being redundant if that's what you were worried about. Then you can go into "The villagers of ..." and continue with the other "bad things" that can happen. I like the second also because you're nicely setting up the aunt's character.

 

Hope this helps!

[Alisha Marie Klapheke]

I like b, but I would change a few things. Let me first say that I totally love this little snippet.

I would axe the words furious and reverberating in the first sentence. It's good without them. It's too wordy with them.

Then I would go on with : No, it was fear that made Lavender Colchester forget to touch the Devil's Nose. Her aunt's sharp tongue would cut her deep if she arrived even a second late.

Then just rewrite a tiny bit on that second paragraph--getting rid of what you already mentioned. I hope this gets some ideas flowing for you! Good luck!

[Sandra S. Rice]

Hi Kym,

On first, quick read, I much prefer the (B) version. Here's why:

The first is out of order. With the second, you get a girl running past x (action), then an explanation of why it was the wrong thing to do. 

My only suggestion for change is to leave off the last sentence, which puts emphasis on an aunt we don't know anything about as yet. Keep the focus on the girl and her thoughts.

Nice work!

Sandra