New 250

[Mari J Carpenter]

Tell me your thoughts, please.

Mari

[Mari J Carpenter]

This is a scene - i hope to show more 'voice' to the MC.

[Mari J Carpenter]

I've changed it up a bit - check it out:
Ventry, Ireland. Present day.
Saturday was my sanction. It made me stick to plans. I was good with numbers, well counting cards and strategizing. I walked to the local pub. Liam was kind enough to open early for us kids to play poker, Texas hold um, to be more specific. Being the last one to arrive I got a giant wave of the sweet, sickening smell of cigars left lingering in the air too long. I stepped up and placed my armor on, concealing any and all emotional attachments. This obviously helped in the game but more importantly, against those, I knew, were here but I couldn’t see.
Please don’t confuse me with having schizophrenia. I don’t hear or see things that aren’t there. Majority of people can’t read my poker face. Or me for that matter. I prefer it that way. I never let them, people, in my mind. Only Alana, so dramatic, so normal, knew some of my dark secrets. Alana just thought I was OCD. Maybe, but I liked order. She at least didn’t see me as a cold hearted bixxx. I wasn’t ready, not yet, to face all of my dark secrets. Not yet. Little did I know, it was about to blow open my closed mind, spilling out everything I kept hidden away from the worlds.
Alarming noise from a Gibson electric guitar screamed monsters, calling my name. Focus. I couldn’t see what I knew was there. I ignored them and kept my blank face.

[LM Preston]

Hey Mari,
Next time you may want to put a synop of the story with your posting. That way it's a little easier to figure out what angle to approach the manuscript.

Sorry no ones popped in. I'll give it a go.

- I'd take out the Ventry, Ireland. Present day. and work place/time in the story
- This introduction sentence could have more pop, Saturday was my sanction. I'd start it with the following or something similar. I'm not crazy, really I'm not. I don't hear or see things that aren't there.
- I had to re-read this sentence (I admit, it stopped my reading when you first posted the original here) Alarming noise from a Gibson electric guitar screamed monsters, calling my name. Focus.

The main thing I see that needs to be fixed is order. Introduce me to the character to make me attach to them early on, then tell the reader where they are and what they are doing. I couldn't really grasp any of those things even though your descriptions were great. (I see that with the 2nd version) The first version had better order, but didn't identify the reader with the mc with the original opening sentence.

[Lauren Hammond]

Mari,

I just didn't get it, I was bored after the first sentence. I think it needs a little more punch, more oomph. I feel like most of the other paragraphs need to be sorted through, to me, they don't flow. It feels jumbled.

[Elle Stone]

Hi Mari-

I agree with LM here re: order. I feel like the character is talking to herself in these paras in an almost stream-of-consciousness way and found it difficult to follow her from thought to thought. It says: "Saturday was my sanction. It made me stick to plans. I was good with numbers..."

Reading along, I can't see the connection between these ideas. Why is her sanction? Which plans? And what does poker have to do with that? (Also wondering if it should be sanctuary instead of sanction?)

There's some good imagery/sensory detail in here, but I'd like to have a better sense of the character in these opening lines. Be careful of repetition and look for places to streamline details in favor of more character info. In the first para, I'd cut a few of the repetitive phrases and add more explanation:

Liam was kind enough to open early for us kids to play poker, Texas hold 'em, to be more specific. Being the last one to arrive I got a giant wave of the sweet, sickening smell of cigars left lingering in the air too long. I stepped up and placed my armor on, concealing any and all emotional attachments. This obviously helped in the game but more importantly, (and) against those, I knew, were here but I couldn’t see.

Last one to arrive where? I'd merge some things here. "I stepped up to X location and adjusted my armor." Show the reader where the character is and go into detail on the "emotional attachments." I don't know what she's referring to, so it's hard for me to connect with her.

Good luck!

[Mari J Carpenter]

Thanks for all your critiques. They're awesome! I've rearranged words and taken in all your suggestions! Here's the repost:
“Fold”. I laid my cards face down and sat back.
This round was a test to see where the new boy, Tristan, stood on bluffs.
“Full house, high jack.”
“All right, Tristan wins this round.” Senan said.
He reached to gather the winnings. I stood and steadied his hands over the pile of cash.
“That’s not how we play. We wait to collect ‘the winnings’ after we finish the whole deck.”
He pulls his hands back, “Damn girl. I know you’re hot but not literally. Did you have your hand over a furnace?”
Shit, how could I forget? He didn’t know, no one knows. Please, don’t confuse me with being crazy, I’m not. I don’t see things that aren’t there.
We both sit back down. I look over at our designated dealer, ignorng Tristan..
“Senan, another round.”
Alarming noise from a Gibson electric guitar from the bar’s band screamed monsters, calling my name. I knew it was them.
Focus and control.
I couldn’t see what I knew was there. I ignored them and kept my blank face.
I scanned the table, the players all held stoic faces. Tristan was definitely eye candy. He would be a challenge but it helped me keep my mind closed.
I pushed back the stubborn curl back behind my ear. I felt a smoldering heat on the back of my forearm, raising the hair.
Control. Control. Control.
This used to be a safe place.

[LM Preston]

This is much better. However, now you have an opportunity to add a powerful first sentence as an introduction to your mc. Like, I have to win this one. Life or death, is the name of the game.

Think up a sentence or two that expresses a bit of the character and coming conflict to draw the reader in from the beginning.



Mari J Carpenter said:

Thanks for all your critiques. They're awesome! I've rearranged words and taken in all your suggestions! Here's the repost:
“Fold”. I laid my cards face down and sat back.
This round was a test to see where the new boy, Tristan, stood on bluffs.
“Full house, high jack.”
“All right, Tristan wins this round.” Senan said.
He reached to gather the winnings. I stood and steadied his hands over the pile of cash.
“That’s not how we play. We wait to collect ‘the winnings’ after we finish the whole deck.”
He pulls his hands back, “Damn girl. I know you’re hot but not literally. Did you have your hand over a furnace?”
Shit, how could I forget? He didn’t know, no one knows. Please, don’t confuse me with being crazy, I’m not. I don’t see things that aren’t there.
We both sit back down. I look over at our designated dealer, ignorng Tristan..
“Senan, another round.”
Alarming noise from a Gibson electric guitar from the bar’s band screamed monsters, calling my name. I knew it was them.
Focus and control.
I couldn’t see what I knew was there. I ignored them and kept my blank face.
I scanned the table, the players all held stoic faces. Tristan was definitely eye candy. He would be a challenge but it helped me keep my mind closed.
I pushed back the stubborn curl back behind my ear. I felt a smoldering heat on the back of my forearm, raising the hair.
Control. Control. Control.
This used to be a safe place.

[Mari J Carpenter]

Thanks so much LM. I've got a couple of sentences in mind. Mari
I'll post it soon.

LM Preston said:

This is much better. However, now you have an opportunity to add a powerful first sentence as an introduction to your mc. Like, I have to win this one. Life or death, is the name of the game.

Think up a sentence or two that expresses a bit of the character and coming conflict to draw the reader in from the beginning.



Mari J Carpenter said:

Thanks for all your critiques. They're awesome! I've rearranged words and taken in all your suggestions! Here's the repost:
“Fold”. I laid my cards face down and sat back.
This round was a test to see where the new boy, Tristan, stood on bluffs.
“Full house, high jack.”
“All right, Tristan wins this round.” Senan said.
He reached to gather the winnings. I stood and steadied his hands over the pile of cash.
“That’s not how we play. We wait to collect ‘the winnings’ after we finish the whole deck.”
He pulls his hands back, “Damn girl. I know you’re hot but not literally. Did you have your hand over a furnace?”
Shit, how could I forget? He didn’t know, no one knows. Please, don’t confuse me with being crazy, I’m not. I don’t see things that aren’t there.
We both sit back down. I look over at our designated dealer, ignorng Tristan..
“Senan, another round.”
Alarming noise from a Gibson electric guitar from the bar’s band screamed monsters, calling my name. I knew it was them.
Focus and control.
I couldn’t see what I knew was there. I ignored them and kept my blank face.
I scanned the table, the players all held stoic faces. Tristan was definitely eye candy. He would be a challenge but it helped me keep my mind closed.
I pushed back the stubborn curl back behind my ear. I felt a smoldering heat on the back of my forearm, raising the hair.
Control. Control. Control.
This used to be a safe place.

[Mari J Carpenter]

OK - using L.M.'s suggestion, I revised the beginning:
Patience and strategy.
This was my game.
I’ll lose the first round but I’ll win the war.
I’m Anaroha Ryen.
I don’t see them.
I smell them - sulfur.
I feel them – some blazing hot like the sun – some arctic.
“Fold.” I laid my cards face down and sat back.
This round was a test to see where the new boy, Tristan, stood on bluffs.
“Full house, high jack.”
“All right, Tristan wins this round.” Senan said.
He reached to gather the winnings. I stood and steadied his hands over the pile of cash.
“That’s not how we play. We wait to collect ‘the winnings’ after we finish the whole deck.”
He pulls his hands back, “Damn girl. I know you’re hot but not literally. Did you have your hand over a furnace?”
Shit, how could I forget? He didn’t know, no one knows. Please, don’t confuse me with being crazy, I’m not. I don’t see the things that I know were there.
We both sit back down. I look over at our designated dealer.
“Senan, another round.” I look at Tristan and said, “I have a name.”
He holds my stare and answered back, “Yeah, An, short for something.”
Alarming noise from a Gibson electric guitar from the bar’s band screamed monsters, calling my name. I knew it was them.
I ignored them and kept my blank face.
I scanned the table, the players all held stoic faces. Tristan was definitely eye candy. He would be a challenge

[LM Preston]

This is much better. It's ordered, has depth to the character and the reader connects to the character early on. Great improvement.



Mari J Carpenter said:

OK - using L.M.'s suggestion, I revised the beginning:
Patience and strategy.
This was my game.
I’ll lose the first round but I’ll win the war.
I’m Anaroha Ryen.
I don’t see them.
I smell them - sulfur.
I feel them – some blazing hot like the sun – some arctic.
“Fold.” I laid my cards face down and sat back.
This round was a test to see where the new boy, Tristan, stood on bluffs.
“Full house, high jack.”
“All right, Tristan wins this round.” Senan said.
He reached to gather the winnings. I stood and steadied his hands over the pile of cash.
“That’s not how we play. We wait to collect ‘the winnings’ after we finish the whole deck.”
He pulls his hands back, “Damn girl. I know you’re hot but not literally. Did you have your hand over a furnace?”
Shit, how could I forget? He didn’t know, no one knows. Please, don’t confuse me with being crazy, I’m not. I don’t see the things that I know were there.
We both sit back down. I look over at our designated dealer.
“Senan, another round.” I look at Tristan and said, “I have a name.”
He holds my stare and answered back, “Yeah, An, short for something.”
Alarming noise from a Gibson electric guitar from the bar’s band screamed monsters, calling my name. I knew it was them.
I ignored them and kept my blank face.
I scanned the table, the players all held stoic faces. Tristan was definitely eye candy. He would be a challenge

[Mari J Carpenter]

Thanks L.M.
you helped me get there.
Mari

LM Preston said:

This is much better. It's ordered, has depth to the character and the reader connects to the character early on. Great improvement.



Mari J Carpenter said:

OK - using L.M.'s suggestion, I revised the beginning:
Patience and strategy.
This was my game.
I’ll lose the first round but I’ll win the war.
I’m Anaroha Ryen.
I don’t see them.
I smell them - sulfur.
I feel them – some blazing hot like the sun – some arctic.
“Fold.” I laid my cards face down and sat back.
This round was a test to see where the new boy, Tristan, stood on bluffs.
“Full house, high jack.”
“All right, Tristan wins this round.” Senan said.
He reached to gather the winnings. I stood and steadied his hands over the pile of cash.
“That’s not how we play. We wait to collect ‘the winnings’ after we finish the whole deck.”
He pulls his hands back, “Damn girl. I know you’re hot but not literally. Did you have your hand over a furnace?”
Shit, how could I forget? He didn’t know, no one knows. Please, don’t confuse me with being crazy, I’m not. I don’t see the things that I know were there.
We both sit back down. I look over at our designated dealer.
“Senan, another round.” I look at Tristan and said, “I have a name.”
He holds my stare and answered back, “Yeah, An, short for something.”
Alarming noise from a Gibson electric guitar from the bar’s band screamed monsters, calling my name. I knew it was them.
I ignored them and kept my blank face.
I scanned the table, the players all held stoic faces. Tristan was definitely eye candy. He would be a challenge

[Mari J Carpenter]

Thanks so much to everyone here.
Mari