First 250 in The Splendorous Plum Murders

[Amber Skye Forbes]

Here's the first 250 of a novel I have just begun revising. I usually like to get the first 250 just right because then I feel like that sets up how well I'm able to revise for the rest of the novel. I want to now if there's any other way you think I could set it up.

 

Mother Aurelia wrenches my hair by its roots, drawing tears to my eyes that blur the bloodletting room. A sharp pain ripples across my scalp as my breathing deepens to suppress the intense pain that feels like fire. I imagine the Mother Superior wrapping my brunette tresses around her arms like a serpent as she pulls, harder and harder, her face set in a grimace, vulture eyes piercing the back of my head. For a moment I think she has freed my hair from my scalp, but then realize that’s the throbbing, followed by bouts of pinpricks, that arc across my skin.

            I must not cry out. I must not cry out.

            Just when I am about to scream, Mother Aurelia lets go of my hair, which falls around my naked shoulders in waves. The brunt of the pain vanishes, though the area where she pulled pulsates.

            Mother Aurelia says nothing and moves on to the next girl.

            The tears spill over my eyelashes in little droplets, and the bloodletting room comes back into focus. There are ten Novitiates, including me, in the bloodletting room composed of gray bricks, a smooth, concrete floor spattered with old blood; white basins to catch the blood; and chairs with restraints to subdue patients who may need their bodies to be cleansed of impurities.

            We’re not restrained in the chairs. We’re nude, kneeling on wood chippings scattered around the concrete floor. The chippings bite and cut into our knees, and if we move, even to adjust ourselves, we lose points, furthering ourselves from our goal of being a professed Sister. I wish Mother Aurelia were just bloodletting us, as that would be far easier to handle than this.

[Crystal Collier]

I love that you mention the bloodletting room in the first sentence. That grabbed my attention. The MC's discomfort is very solid. Is Mother Aurelia really just going around causing pain, trying to get the girls to break? I wonder if (in the last paragraph) rather than telling us she and the other novices are nude, maybe she might shiver for cold, or introduce us to the fact by burning cheeks, self conscious thoughts (about physical imperfections or insecurities), or mention the ache in her bare knees from kneeling on wood chips. Is this just an initiation? Is she afraid? So many questions! Are we in the real world? History?

 

 

[Katie Wright]

That gave me the shivers ... ehhh ...

 

Anyways, I liked it. It draws you in and makes you wonder. Makes me wish I never meet someone like Mother Aurelia. I think the second mention of bloodletting room isn't needed, instead just let her describe it like you did later. Then the nude part, I agree with crystal maybe don't out right say she is nude, hint at it. It would draw the reader in more, or at least me.

 

But overall it is good :) I like it.

[LM Preston]

Here's my 2cents:

Overall you could shorten the sentences to give the scene more punch and action. I'd like a peek at what the 'blood letting' room is. The picture I get is unclear. Some rewording is needed to bring the reader into the moment. Since you are writing in present tense use less words to describe to moment. I'd also do some re-arranging. The scene and action should be closer together. This is a good first draft, just some re-arranging, shortening of sentences to build the scene and move it forward quickly. Use more active voice.

 

 

Mother Aurelia wrenches my hair by its roots, drawing tears to my eyes that blur the bloodletting room.[Make this stronger since this is your first 2 sentences - the word 'bloodletting' room got my attention] Tears blur my eyes as I search for help, any help in the bloodletting room.

 

 

A sharp pPain, sharp and wicked, ripples across my scalp as my breathing deepens to suppress the intensitye pain that feels like me with fire. I imagine the Mother Superior wrapping my brunette tresses around her arms like a serpent as she pulls, harder and harder, her face set in a grimace, vulture eyes piercing the back of my head. For a moment I think pray she has freed my hair from my scalp, but then realize that’s the throbbing, followed by bouts of pinpricks, that arc across my skin.

            I must not cry out. I must not cry out.

            Just when I am about to My mouth waters and I'm about to scream, Mother Aurelia lets go of my hair, which falls around my naked shoulders in waves. The brunt of the pain vanishes, though the area where she pulled pulsates.

            Mother Aurelia says nothing and moves on to the next girl.

            The tears spill over my eyelashes in little droplets, and the bloodletting room comes back into focus. There are ten Novitiates, including me, in the bloodletting room composed of gray bricks, a smooth, concrete floor spattered with old blood; white basins to catch the blood; and chairs with restraints to subdue patients who may need their bodies to be cleansed of impurities.

 

 

            We’re not restrained in the chairs. We’re nude, kneeling on wood chippings scattered around the concrete floor. The chippings bite and cut into our knees, and if we move, even to adjust ourselves, we lose points, furthering ourselves from our goal of being a professed Sister. I wish Mother Aurelia were just bloodletting us, as that would be far easier to handle than this. [Maybe you could move this up to add to your beginning]

[Adrienne Gelbart]

I agree with LM, Amber, pulling out some words changes the flow and tension. Too much description may turn it purple.

I have two suggestions to continue tightening it up...

 

The brunt of the pain vanishes, though the area where she pulled pulsates.

I had to read the bolded sentence twice and had to think about what you were saying, you may want to re-word this sentence.

 

There are ten Novitiates, including me, in the bloodletting room composed of gray bricks, a smooth, concrete floor spattered with old blood; white basins to catch the blood; and chairs with restraints to subdue patients who may need their bodies to be cleansed of impurities.

Simply removing the 'to be' you double fold the tension. Also consider removing the word 'blood' used twice in this paragraph you may consider....

 

There are ten Novitiates, including me, in the bloodletting room  the small room composed of gray bricks, a smooth, concrete floor spattered with dried old blood; white porcelain basins to catch the blood; and chairs with restraints to subdue patients who may need their bodies to be cleansed of impurities.

 

Play around with it, the premise sounds eerie and disturbing, LOVE IT!

[Amber Skye Forbes]

Thank you guys so much for all your help! I like the idea of actually moving up the part where I talk about her being on the floor first before I have MA yank her hair, so I can definitely toy around with that some. Thanks so much again!

[G. Donald Cribbs]

Wow. I'm eager to learn how a nun novitiate connects with the title. You've already intrigued me! :D I like the way you show us the scene through the eyes of a girl I presume is the MC, or at least important to the story.  Mother Aurelia acts just like a nun (from what I've heard).  Now I'll offer line by line edits:

P1: indent S1: by its roots and draws tears S2: across my scalp, my breathing deepens and supresses the intense pain S3: Mother Superior wraps my S4: then realize it's the throbbing

P2: since you isolate it, I think you can say it once and convey the same meaning/feeling

P3: should have 3 sentences

P5: S2: gray bricks. A smooth, concrete floor is spattered with old blood, white basins wait to catch the blood, and chairs with restraints (to subdue patients) invite those who may need their bodies cleansed of impurities. [edits also make a 3 sentence paragraph]

P6: S2: and cut into our knees. If we move, S2: "furthering" seems like WW (wrong word) and passive, perhaps: If we move, even to adjust ourselves, we lose points. That would only further us from our goal of being a professed Sister.

 

Okay, those are my nits, and I wish you the best of luck on the revision process. Believe me, I've learned a TON from my own edits, killing passive voice, adverbs, and such.  Keep at it! :D

Thank you for sharing!

 

Don