Comment

Staff Comment by Katie Wright on March 16, 2012 at 8:20pm

The low buzz in my head grew into a cacophony by the end of the hour. Voices and images scratched across my mind, vying for attention.

:)

Comment by Mona A. Radwan on March 16, 2012 at 7:32pm

I like C. Lee's start! Here's my take...

"What started as a low buzz has grown into an unwelcome cacophony in the mere span of an hour (or, in only an hour)."

--and also agree that using modifiers with "voices" and something more specific than "things" would do the trick.

"Charged voices and ugly/violent images (or scenes or visions) were all vying for my mind's attention."

--I like "vying for my mind's attention" because it lets us know it's all going on in the person's head, not happening all around. You could also go with "vying for attention in my mind."--another word but it still sounds goo

Staff Comment by C. Lee McKenzie on March 16, 2012 at 6:42pm

Here's another idea. What started as a low buzz an hour ago, grew into an unwelcome cacophony. Strident voices and ugly images clamored for my attention

Staff Comment by C. Lee McKenzie on March 16, 2012 at 6:39pm

The low buzz grew into an unwelcome cacophony. Strident voices and ugly images clamored for my attention.

The reason I suggest you delete "sound" is that cacophony means "bad sound," so you're saying sound twice. Also your attention is your mind at work, so I don't think you need "mind's attention." I'm assuming that you're hearing as well as seeing, so I've suggested you add images (visions) and delete things.

That's my take.

Staff Comment by Laura Chesterson on March 16, 2012 at 6:30pm

No prob.

What's confusing is the aside in the middle (that by the end of the hour). Try:

A low buzz started and grew louder during the next hour, culminating in an unwelcome cacophony of sounds. Voices and other things jammed my head, vying for my mind’s attention.

Comment by Mari J Carpenter on March 16, 2012 at 6:14pm

Then maybe your agents wants  you to define "it" Maybe start with - My head embarked in a low tone ... cranium wedged with loud, unwelcome voices panning/struggling for my mind's attention ... or something like that. :)

Staff Comment by Georgia McBride on March 16, 2012 at 5:59pm

Thanks, MJ. 

Laura, thanks. Trying to finish this edit by Wednesday. Was just looking for a quickie. Agent commented it was confusing -- starting with "It."

Comment by Mari J Carpenter on March 16, 2012 at 5:31pm

Here is my two cents: 

 Its Started as a low buzz that and by the end of the hour, culminated in a loud and unwelcome in cacophony of sounds of breathe?. Voices and other things jammed my head, vying for my mind’s attention.

Maybe replace the word, "things" with substance or element the wordf "jammed" with maybe wedged? I don't know? Just taking a stab to try to help.

Staff Comment by Laura Chesterson on March 16, 2012 at 5:18pm

GA - I think if you open a new discussion for it, it would be easier to reply to and work on.

Staff Comment by Georgia McBride on March 16, 2012 at 4:59pm

So, clearly, I have no idea how to sub to this group. Sorry for posting in the comments section. Feel free to kick me up.