How far is TOO FAR?

[Roza marie]

This is going to be super long.  I apologize for length but I feel this is something heart breaking and every parent needs to hear about it.  A few days ago I was enlightened about a new story, about a teen taking her life.  It has happened again where the teen was harrassed in not only reality but in the virtual world too.  When is teasing, and harrassing just gone Way TOO FAR? 

 

I have been teased throughout grade school and middle school.  Then my parents let me and my older sibling transfer schools and it seemed to disappear. 

 

It seems to me schools aren't only an educational place, but also a horrible social hell for most teens now a days.  Who is there to stop this though?  Teachers have enough on their plate, from being underpaid, to dealing with school testing scores being jammed down their throat everytime they have a minute to breathe.  It's unfair, but as a parent which most are, shouldn't they have some control over the students? I think the problem with today is we let kids turn to these social circles and torment or bully others that aren't in their group or below them because we've seen this cycle continue from year to year to year. 

 

Then their is the parents involved, I think parents should monitor their internet a little more.  Put passwords on the internet so the child can't get onto it twenty-four seven without your permission.  I understand that this might seem a bit exterme but given the recent cases I think it is nescessary. 

 

As for the sites I believe there should be a monitor that will not display, or send harmful messages, or curse words to any child, or teen's wall.  making it difficult for harrassment to take place in the virtual world.

 

As for the cell phone companies, same thing, but also to the parents, why does your child need txt messaging?  My mother in law did this to her seventeen year old daughter who wanted a cell phone and then then the youngest thirteen that wanted one as well she gave them phones but cut off the text messages, and picture messages off so they could receive nor send them. 

 

What do you think as a parent about this?  Who is to blame?  How far is too far?  How do you deal with it?

 

I will post more solutions in the next segment.

[Nikki Katz]

Roza, I think it's a tough subject. It seems if all the parents aren't unified, nothing really works! If I refuse to give my teen a cell phone, or refuse to allow her to text, is she just going to get harassed even further? (I don't have a teen ... yet ... just throwing it out there!) Even with an eight-year-old, it's hard enough just having to warn her not to give out personal information in the Internet. It's so much to deal with - online predators, cyber bullying...

In a way I feel like things have gotten so out of control. My daughter has already had to deal with bullies in her 2nd grade class (her best friend was being bullied frequently) and the school didn't step in. I think schools HAVE to start stepping in. There HAS to be standard policies and procedures in place. And it shouldn't necessarily be the teacher - it could be the principal, etc.

But more than anything, parents have to know what's going on with their child(ren). They have to develop a method of communication (my daughter and I started a journal that we're allowed to write our feelings in - back and forth to each other and I'm hoping it lasts into her teen years, for when she's too embarrassed to tell me something to my face... At least she could write it down). And parents have to feel that they can go to the school when there is a problem, and know exactly how it will be dealt with. No parent ever wants to see their child as the subject of a bully, so I can see where there might be hesitation to go to the school or other parents - you certainly don't want to put a spotlight on your child. But when the possible result is suicide, there have to be options, and consequences.

And I tell you what, if I ever find out any of my 3 kids are BEING the bully? There will be h*ll to pay!

[Kim Baccellia]

It is terrible. I was teased and bullied in the eighth grade. I didn't really have anywhere to turn to as my father was very abusive and the kids in my church were part of the problem too( sorry, but there are mean Christian kids even if editors tell me it's cliche. Heck, I grew up with it and even dropped out of the church because of it).

I shudder to think what I would have done if the Internet was around. At least I was able to escape from some of the abusive at my local library which was my safe haven. Now a days kids don't have even that.

I think it's important that parents are aware of what sites their kids are on. It starts young. I had to take eight year old off this one game because of some abuse and he just got so angry when he was on it. Also we monitor Wii and other computer games. It's totally unrealistic to not have games in our home as dh is a computer programmer. **Personally, I hate them and don't play them at all.

[Roza marie]

Nikki- I agree kids will be harrassed and it's awful that this is happening at younger ages, when they hit fifth grade and certain words like Slut whore and other degrading terms fly out that is when someone should stomp their foot down and say enough is enough.

Kim- I agree it happens everywhere and anywhere. You would think church would be the least likely on the list but it apparently happens there too. I am sorry you had to go through that.

I think the school boards so concentrate on this issue, because schools are a learning enviroment and if kids are being harrassed or picked on then it turns into a war zone instead of a learning one. I have to pay book fees where I live. It was 110 dollars for my kindergartener. So I paid for her to have an education and I would like to know or be promised that if my child has a problem with a bully she can go to someone for help.

[Kim Baccellia]

My son experienced harrassment at his school that escalated into a real nightmare. My son though was called the 'bully' as he had a bad rep during recess--funny, how his second grade teacher never mentioned this fact to me--and was on meds for his ADHD--which teacher kept telling me was either not enough or the wrong type. The other boy was told he did the 'right' thing tattling on son and the administration refused to listen to either my son or I when we tried to tell them this kid was harrassing my son. Even the second grade teacher told them this but neither administration wanted to listen.

What did I do? I pulled him out of the school and now I'm homeschooling him through a charter school.

The school doesn't want to deal with issues. They keep saying 'no money', 'isn't going to happen', 'we're not babysitters,' and a number of other excuses.

Children shouldn't be labeled on the very first day of school--which son's third grade teacher did with my son and told me that he'd probably get suspensed a number of times and that I had nothing to say about it. I was so angry at her I left shaking.

I think this lays the ground for future bullying and harrassment. I was able to pull son out of the system. Some parents don't know they have this option--the assistant principal told me when I said I was going to homeschool him that the district highly discouraged this but it was my right as a parent. I'm like, hell yes it's my right.

All I know is if public schools were a business they'd go bankruped.

[LM Preston]

My son was bullied in Christian school then Public school. Even though I worked, I worked it out to volunteer at the school every other Friday for 3 hours. Also, I taught my son coping skills by similating different events. I also told him if he had to defend himself than he had my permission to do so. In addition, I put him in Tae Kwon Do and boxing. It helped his self-esteem, gave him tools to protect himself, and taught him control. The acting out bully situations with him helped him to figure out how to back out of a situation. At one point though, I had to remove him from the school and send him to 6th grade in another state for the last 3 months of school at his grandmother's charter school (she was the principle). Even though he was the victim in all circumstances (one girl stabbed his hand with a pencil, another boy pulled out a knife on him, and two boys attempted to jump him) they told me that if he got into one more confrontation (whether caused by him or not - he never caused them - he was always approached eyewitnesses conferred with his story) he would be expelled and have to attend 6th grade in night school. We moved to another school district later that year. He's been fine ever since.

[Roza marie]

Oh wow LM. He had a knife pulled on him? They didn't do anything? That is terrible. I am glad you were able to transfer schools and it worked out.

LM Preston said:

My son was bullied in Christian school then Public school. Even though I worked, I worked it out to volunteer at the school every other Friday for 3 hours. Also, I taught my son coping skills by similating different events. I also told him if he had to defend himself than he had my permission to do so. In addition, I put him in Tae Kwon Do and boxing. It helped his self-esteem, gave him tools to protect himself, and taught him control. The acting out bully situations with him helped him to figure out how to back out of a situation. At one point though, I had to remove him from the school and send him to 6th grade in another state for the last 3 months of school at his grandmother's charter school (she was the principle). Even though he was the victim in all circumstances (one girl stabbed his hand with a pencil, another boy pulled out a knife on him, and two boys attempted to jump him) they told me that if he got into one more confrontation (whether caused by him or not - he never caused them - he was always approached eyewitnesses conferred with his story) he would be expelled and have to attend 6th grade in night school. We moved to another school district later that year. He's been fine ever since.

[Kelly Mooney]

Gosh, I heard the same story. Life is scary for teenagers, and even as young as fourth grade. I think the problem stems a little from everywhere. Parents, schools, cell phones, tv, etc.... I can't tell you how many times my kids are watching Full House and a clip for Degrassi High comes on. Helloooo, there little kids watching. As for cell phones, and texting I know kids as little as seven who have them, why? I have no idea. This world has changed for the bad, sometimes I want to pick up my kids and move to Europe, they're not so judgemental. So sad:(

[Katrina Lantz]

Kim Baccellia said:

What did I do? I pulled him out of the school and now I'm homeschooling him through a charter school.

The school doesn't want to deal with issues. They keep saying 'no money', 'isn't going to happen', 'we're not babysitters,' and a number of other excuses.

Children shouldn't be labeled on the very first day of school--which son's third grade teacher did with my son and told me that he'd probably get suspensed a number of times and that I had nothing to say about it. I was so angry at her I left shaking.

I think this lays the ground for future bullying and harrassment. I was able to pull son out of the system. Some parents don't know they have this option--the assistant principal told me when I said I was going to homeschool him that the district highly discouraged this but it was my right as a parent. I'm like, hell yes it's my right.

All I know is if public schools were a business they'd go bankruped.

Hell, yes, it's your right! This is how we plan on dealing with the situation preemptively. My personal experiences as a nerd and wimp throughout school (but worst in junior high) have contributed to this decision. Bullying can take all sorts of forms, but for me this included having a dead pigeon flung at my head, people spitting on me and my school supplies, chairs being pulled from under me, and--of course--your run-of-the-mill psycho-manipulative abuse. I'd go crying to the teacher, who would tell me not to be sensitive. I'm 26 now, happily married and fine. But I have friends who didn't make it out alive, and I don't intend to put my kids through that.

If you had a diff experience and you want to public school, fine by me. But this is the way we plan to ensure our kids grow up knowing they are special, loved, and invincible.

Oh, this is my first group comment, btw. So...hi, everybody!

[Roza marie]

And your comments are always appericated =)

[Katrina Lantz]

Thank you!

Roza marie said:

And your comments are always appericated =)

[Kim Baccellia]

Wow, Karina. Your experiences were terrible. I experienced similar things in middle school. I told myself if I could survive the eighth grade, I could survive anything. I did but I also had friends who didn't.

I'm pretty sure my son's former school had labeled him at the very beginning and no matter what he did, he'd be accused. I ended up going during both his recess periods just to watch. More than a few times I'd see other kids messing around. Then they'd go toward my son. I knew if I didn't say anything he'd be in the principal's office as the bully. Later a teacher told me I could get in trouble for doing this. I'm like, what the hell? I could get in trouble for just doing what the school refused to do?

Everyone has been telling me they can see positive changes in son once I took him out of his former school. I feel bad for those other kids who don't have the same opportunity or know of the other options available to them.