Pitch Lines

[Nikki Katz]

Per Jenny's post on the main forum - I thought I'd create a discussion about Pitch Lines!

These are just as important as queries, IMHO. How many times has someone asked you what your book is about and you stammered or went
into some long explanation? How do you take all those words and sum it
up in one sentence?

I'll start with mine and then see what happens.

A fifteen-year old boy must sacrifice the girl he loves to save his parents, or remain trapped in another dimension forever.

[Nikki Katz]

Here is mine for Shoreline:

Maya Georgiou is a stunning ocean nymph faced with an impossible decision - sacrifice her boyfriend Nate to fulfill the requirements placed on her family by an insane goddess, or die in his place.

[Dawn Embers]

This is a great idea! I don't have any lines to pitch yet because I have nothing close to being pitch ready but I might try and write some soon.

Your line is great, the very first one in the post introduction. Definitely shows the tension and that there will be a good source of conflict in the story. The last bit is very ominous.

[Dawn Embers]

I have a pitch line now, thanks to a logline/hook blogfest that I took part in. I'll only post the YA one since most the others are for adult books. This one is for the book I'm currently rewriting called Tattle Tell.


Ephram has been a snitch to the Suits ever since he can remember, but when he discovers his new best friend is a mutant he must decide between friendship and the consequences of life as a tattle tale.

[Jessie Harrell]

Mine for Destined: I got a couple of partial requests based on nothing but this one line.
When Sadie destroys the one relationship she can't live without, she must journey alone through ancient Greece, and confront the goddess who would see her dead, if she wants to reclaim an immortal love.

[C. Lee McKenzie]

That's a great pitch line, Nikki. Here are the ones I posted in comments.

Sliding on the Edge: A teenager who cuts herself and her grandmother are strangers when they are thrown together, each with secrets that stir mutual distrust until saving a doomed horse unites them and gives them a reason to live.

The Princess of Las Pulgas: A teen girl's life is turned upside down when her father's death impoverishes her family and forces them to move to a seedy apartment complex in a different town, where she and her brother must adjust to a tough urban high school.

[Nikki Katz]

Nice!! I think it's interesting that you don't mention Cupid :)

Jessie Harrell said:

Mine for Destined: I got a couple of partial requests based on nothing but this one line.
When Sadie destroys the one relationship she can't live without, she must journey alone through ancient Greece, and confront the goddess who would see her dead, if she wants to reclaim an immortal love.

[Nikki Katz]

Great ones!

C. Lee McKenzie said:

That's a great pitch line, Nikki. Here are the ones I posted in comments.

Sliding on the Edge: A teenager who cuts herself and her grandmother are strangers when they are thrown together, each with secrets that stir mutual distrust until saving a doomed horse unites them and gives them a reason to live.

The Princess of Las Pulgas: A teen girl's life is turned upside down when her father's death impoverishes her family and forces them to move to a seedy apartment complex in a different town, where she and her brother must adjust to a tough urban high school.

[C. Lee McKenzie]

Nikki and Jessie, you have dynamite pitch lines.

[Jessie Harrell]

I like this. Maybe add a comma after mutant, otherwise, sounds interesting.


Ephram has been a snitch to the Suits ever since he can remember, but when he discovers his new best friend is a mutant he must decide between friendship and the consequences of life as a tattle tale.

[s.d. Lishan]

Wow, there are some great pitch lines here. I like them all, but I especially like Jessie's and C. Lee's. I like Dawn's, too, but I get a little confused about the relationship between the Suits and the mutants. It there's a question in a reader's mind when one reads a pitch line, rather than peaked interest to read further, that doesn't seem like a good thing. But all of these pitch lines have a dramatic edge that I like.

Here's my current pitch line for my YA novel, The Flowering Hands of the Borealis: "It can be hard when you’re the only one in your high school, let alone your planet, who can reseed someone’s aura when it’s been ripped away. It can really take the zing out of your social life. But that’s only the beginning of Mia’s problems."

I could probably make my pitch line one sentence, but the use of periods seemed more emphatic, more dramatic to me. Still, I think of it as one "line." Any comments or suggestions you have about it are much, much appreciated.

Peace, S.D. Lishan

[Dawn Embers]

Thanks for the comment. I haven't been checking here much but I have tweaked the pitch a bit for my first query attempt.

Your pitch does have some interest, though I am not fond of the "you". Second person just bugs me, since it is pointed directly at me and can often make assumptions that I don't associate with, thus have troubles listening to when reading. The title of the novel is intriguing, as does the concept of the story. Good luck with it.

s.d. Lishan said:

Wow, there are some great pitch lines here. I like them all, but I especially like Jessie's and C. Lee's. I like Dawn's, too, but I get a little confused about the relationship between the Suits and the mutants. It there's a question in a reader's mind when one reads a pitch line, rather than peaked interest to read further, that doesn't seem like a good thing. But all of these pitch lines have a dramatic edge that I like.

Here's my current pitch line for my YA novel, The Flowering Hands of the Borealis: "It can be hard when you’re the only one in your high school, let alone your planet, who can reseed someone’s aura when it’s been ripped away. It can really take the zing out of your social life. But that’s only the beginning of Mia’s problems."

I could probably make my pitch line one sentence, but the use of periods seemed more emphatic, more dramatic to me. Still, I think of it as one "line." Any comments or suggestions you have about it are much, much appreciated.

Peace, S.D. Lishan

[s.d. Lishan]

Thanks for your comment, Dawn. Great point about the "you" in my pitch sentence. That "you" isn't the only reason that I ending up junking it, but it's one of them (in my attempt at a tighter, shorter query letter, that "pitch" didn't make the cut).

Best of luck to you with your sweet words,

S.D.

Dawn Embers said:

Thanks for the comment. I haven't been checking here much but I have tweaked the pitch a bit for my first query attempt.

Your pitch does have some interest, though I am not fond of the "you". Second person just bugs me, since it is pointed directly at me and can often make assumptions that I don't associate with, thus have troubles listening to when reading. The title of the novel is intriguing, as does the concept of the story. Good luck with it.

s.d. Lishan said:

Wow, there are some great pitch lines here. I like them all, but I especially like Jessie's and C. Lee's. I like Dawn's, too, but I get a little confused about the relationship between the Suits and the mutants. It there's a question in a reader's mind when one reads a pitch line, rather than peaked interest to read further, that doesn't seem like a good thing. But all of these pitch lines have a dramatic edge that I like.

Here's my current pitch line for my YA novel, The Flowering Hands of the Borealis: "It can be hard when you’re the only one in your high school, let alone your planet, who can reseed someone’s aura when it’s been ripped away. It can really take the zing out of your social life. But that’s only the beginning of Mia’s problems."

I could probably make my pitch line one sentence, but the use of periods seemed more emphatic, more dramatic to me. Still, I think of it as one "line." Any comments or suggestions you have about it are much, much appreciated.

Peace, S.D. Lishan