Is it my query letter or the subject matter?

[Paul West]

I've finished writing a historical young adult novel set in the 1960s. I've sent out well over 100 query letters, all with form rejections, if the agents sent anything at all. I can't believe it's my query because I've had it critiqued to death and the latest round of critiques the people who looked at it thought it was great.

So, that leads me to the second part of the question posed in the Discussion Title above. Could it be the subject matter? I've been told YA novels set in the 1960s are a hard sell. Still, I've seen YA novels set in the 1950s that have done well, even winning literary awards. Is one decade all that different?

[Julie Duck]

It might be the historical perspective. Can the readers of today identify with the young adults of the past? In some ways, yes. In some ways, no. Is it a coming of age story?

- Julie

[tehawesomersace--Justina Ireland]

If you've sent out that many queries and gotten nothing but solid rejections, I'd say it was your letter. You should have at least gotten a couple of partial requests with that many queries sent out.

That being said...historical fiction IS a hard sell right now (so I've heard) but if you have a solid query letter you should have at least seen a nibble from agents interested in your writing. If you feel comfortable, why don't you post the query letter and let us have a look?

[Julie Duck]

Yes, please post your query.

[Georgia McBride]

I'm going to have to agree. You should have gotten at least a few requests with that many queries sent out if your letter was not the problem. So, I'm going to also agree with the suggestion that you let us have a look and see what feedback we can offer. Better yet, post it to the Agent Inbox Group and let our agents have a look and give feedback. Keep in mind, that is not to say that the actual mss may not also need work. But, first things first, the letter is the first thing that agent's see. So let's start there. Once you post it to the Agent's Inbox, I will forward to the agents and see who is free to have a look. You may also post it here so non-agent members can give feedback.

Good luck-
Georgia

[Paul West]

Thanks to all of you who have responded so far. Your offer to take a look at my query is very generous. I will take up your invitation after the Thanksgiving holiday is over (next Monday).

Thanks again,
Paul

Georgia McBride said:

I'm going to have to agree. You should have gotten at least a few requests with that many queries sent out if your letter was not the problem. So, I'm going to also agree with the suggestion that you let us have a look and see what feedback we can offer. Better yet, post it to the Agent Inbox Group and let our agents have a look and give feedback. Keep in mind, that is not to say that the actual mss may not also need work. But, first things first, the letter is the first thing that agent's see. So let's start there. Once you post it to the Agent's Inbox, I will forward to the agents and see who is free to have a look. You may also post it here so non-agent members can give feedback.

Good luck-
Georgia

[amy saia]

Paul, I'm having the same problem. My novel is set in the late 70's and I think it is hurting my chances of publication. But I do see that as a challenge. I chose the decade because I am fascinated with it: the music, people, psyche. But more than my selfish reasons, I literally had to find a middle ground time-wise because in the second book my two MC's go backwards in time to reveal and fix something that happens in the first book, then in the third book they go to the future to prevent something from happening, all of this to better their time in the 1970's.

In a way, it is my job to make potential agents see how fab the 70's are, and how many people there are out there who want to revisit that time in our history. I've been racking my brain trying to find a good pitch, like calling it "retro fiction" which it is. What you and I have to ask ourselves is: why would someone want to read about the decade we chose? What can we do to make it sound exciting for them? Who is our audience? There are a lot of people who would want to revisit their teen years in the 1960's, would they perhaps want to read your book?

We have to make the agent or publisher see that our book is essential. I know it isn't easy, and I wish you the best of luck!

[Paul West]

Hi Amy. I appreciate your comments. I think they're right on the mark. While I do mention the 60s in my query, perhaps I've been trying to downplay them, whereas I probably should be building that aspect up more to make the era exciting or at least interesting. Yes, I think there are a lot of people who might enjoy reading something like what I've written as a means to revisit their past.

In a little while, at the suggestion of some people on this forum, I'm going to post my old query and a potential rewrite. I hope everyone will take a look and give me some concrete suggestions.

Thanks again,
Paul

amy saia said:

Paul, I'm having the same problem. My novel is set in the late 70's and I think it is hurting my chances of publication. But I do see that as a challenge. I chose the decade because I am fascinated with it: the music, people, psyche. But more than my selfish reasons, I literally had to find a middle ground time-wise because in the second book my two MC's go backwards in time to reveal and fix something that happens in the first book, then in the third book they go to the future to prevent something from happening, all of this to better their time in the 1970's.

In a way, it is my job to make potential agents see how fab the 70's are, and how many people there are out there who want to revisit that time in our history. I've been racking my brain trying to find a good pitch, like calling it "retro fiction" which it is. What you and I have to ask ourselves is: why would someone want to read about the decade we chose? What can we do to make it sound exciting for them? Who is our audience? There are a lot of people who would want to revisit their teen years in the 1960's, would they perhaps want to read your book?

We have to make the agent or publisher see that our book is essential. I know it isn't easy, and I wish you the best of luck!

[Paul West]

At the urging of some people on this forum, I'm posting my old query, plus one that I just though of. The second is quite different from anything I've done to date and maybe it's what I need to get noticed. At least I hope so. However, it is a bit long so I know I need to pare it down some.

Any comments and suggestions are more than welcome. Thanks in advance.

----------------------------------------

Old Query:

On a foggy Christmas Eve in 1964, seventeen-year-old Mark Wilkerson’s family is killed in a fiery, hit-and-run crash On the Carquinez Bridge in California. Now living near the bridge that stands as a constant reminder of his loss, Mark is plagued with an overwhelming need for revenge against the rotten scum who caused his family's deaths and drove away, never to pay for his crime. His remaining relatives urge him to forgive and move on, and a new girlfriend seems like a step in that direction. But Genie brings an added complication to Mark's messy life: a loser ex-boyfriend, Jeff, who is determined to get her back – no matter what it takes, and especially from a Vietnam War draft dodger.

Mark finds evidence that Jeff may have caused the crash that killed his family and their rivalry turns deadly. On another murky night, a lot like that last Christmas Eve, Mark confronts Jeff on the bridge. Genie takes a bullet meant for Mark, and in a rage, Mark wrestles the gun away from Jeff. But before he can shoot Jeff, Mark’s cousin stops him and tells him the awful truth he has been hiding. Now Mark has a choice to make: to follow his family’s advice and let go of the rage that has grown inside him, or finally appease his need for revenge, even if it results in murder.

THE DRAFT DODGER is complete at 78,000 words. As directed on your website, I am pasting the first five pages of my novel into the body of this email for your evaluation.. I would be happy to send the full manuscript to you.

Thank you. I look forward to your response.

------------------------------------------

New Query:

Dear Agent:

It’s 1965. The Vietnam War is raging. Boys not much older than Mark Wilkerson are being maimed and killed. President Johnson just initiated the draft lottery and Hippies are calling for love-ins while they protest the war and the draft. Mark’s greatest fear is he won’t qualify for a student deferment. That is until most of his family die in a fiery hit-and-run automobile accident. Now he’s alone. He’s angry. Angry that a loving God would take what is most precious to him – his family. But more, he’s angry at the hit-and-run driver who killed them.

Sure, he has his grandmother, one remaining sister, and a war-protesting cousin. They all try to pacify him, telling him to forgive and move on. But he just wants to kill the bastard who caused the accident.

Trying to regain some sense of normalcy, he is torn by the love of three girls: Charisse, a popular cheerleader who dazzles him and sees his dancing and musical talents as a way to enhance her popularity; Genie, who loves him unconditionally, but has an ex-boyfriend, Jeff, who hates nearly everyone, especially draft dodgers, and wants Genie back no matter what it takes; and his kid sister, Amy, who needs her caring and fun-loving brother back as he is all she has left.

When Mark finally chooses Genie, he unwittingly becomes the object a murder plot. Then finding evidence that Jeff may be the hit-and-run driver who killed his family, Mark plots his own way to get even that leads him on the path toward murder. But Genie takes the bullet meant for Mark, and before he can react, his cousin reveals an awful secret he’s been hiding. Now, Mark has to make a decision that will affect him for life: to follow his remaining family’s advice and let go of the rage that has grown inside him, or finally appease his need for revenge, even if it results in murder.

THE DRAFT DODGER is complete at 78,000 words. As directed on your website, I am pasting the first five pages of my novel into the body of this email for your evaluation.. I would be happy to send the full manuscript to you.

Thank you. I look forward to your response.

[Tawny Taylor]

Hi Paul,

Your story sounds intriguing! But I think your synopsis is causing the rejections.

My gut instinct: Your query is too long and reads more like a short synopsis than a letter. The story summary part should be a couple paragraphs at the most, and it should emphasize the hook--the element that will make your story commercial. A well written query will include the basics (at least you don't have it in the post below) such as word count and genre. And it would also include information about the author's writing career--any national writing organizations, writing awards, etc. Finally, it should close with a thank you.

Does that help?

[amy saia]

Paul,

When someone helped me with my query, I learned that you have to find the main conflict of the story and focus on that. I would say that the meat of your story is in this prargraph of your query:

When Mark finally chooses Genie, he unwittingly becomes the object a murder plot. Then finding evidence that Jeff may be the hit-and-run driver who killed his family, Mark plots his own way to get even that leads him on the path toward murder. But Genie takes the bullet meant for Mark, and before he can react, his cousin reveals an awful secret he’s been hiding. Now, Mark has to make a decision that will affect him for life: to follow his remaining family’s advice and let go of the rage that has grown inside him, or finally appease his need for revenge, even if it results in murder.

Maybe a query expert here can help chisel this some more. Your story sounds exciting!

amy

[tehawesomersace--Justina Ireland]

Paul, Tawny is right. Your query is entirely too long. The story is original, and you should at least be getting some requests from it. However, your query is a bit rambling (which may be a problem in the manuscript as well). Here are some suggestions:

Dear Agent:

It’s 1965. The Vietnam War is raging. Boys not much older than Mark Wilkerson are being maimed and killed. President Johnson just initiated the draft lottery and Hippies are calling for love-ins while they protest the war and the draft. Mark’s greatest fear is he won’t qualify for a student deferment. That is until most of his family dies in a fiery hit-and-run automobile accident. Now he’s alone. He’s angry. Angry that a loving God would take what is most precious to him – his family. But more, and he’s angry at the hit-and-run driver who killed them. His remaining family members tell him to move on, but Mark doesn't know if he can.

Sure, he has his grandmother, one remaining sister, and a war-protesting cousin. They all try to pacify him, telling him to forgive and move on. But he just wants to kill the bastard who caused the accident.

Trying to regain some sense of normalcy, he turns to the love of three girls: Charisse, a popular cheerleader who dazzles him and sees his dancing and musical talents as a way to enhance her popularity; Genie, who loves him unconditionally, but has an ex-boyfriend, Jeff, who hates nearly everyone, especially draft dodgers, and wants Genie back no matter what it takes; and his kid sister, Amy, who needs her caring and fun-loving brother back as he is all she has left. Yet Mark is consumed by his quest for revenge.

When Mark finally chooses Genie, he unwittingly becomes the object a murder plot. Then finding evidence that Jeff may be the hit-and-run driver who killed his family, Mark plots his own way to get even that leads him on the path toward murder. But Genie takes the bullet meant for Mark, and before he can react, his cousin reveals an awful secret he’s been hiding. Now, When Genie takes a bullet meant for Mark he knows he has to make a decision that will affect him for life: to follow his family’s advice and let go of the rage that has grown inside him, or finally appease his need for revenge, even if it results in murder.

THE DRAFT DODGER is complete at 78,000 words. As directed on your website, I am pasting the first five pages of my novel into the body of this email for your evaluation.. I would be happy to send the full manuscript to you. and the full manuscript is available upon request.

[Tawny Taylor]

Forgive me, I see the wordcount. I don't know how I missed it.

After reading both queries, I think you're still giving the agent too much plot in your summary. IMO, it's better to stick with Goal, Motivation and Conflict. Who is your hero? What does he want? And why can't he have it?

Tawny Taylor said:

Hi Paul,

Your story sounds intriguing! But I think your synopsis is causing the rejections.

My gut instinct: Your query is too long and reads more like a short synopsis than a letter. The story summary part should be a couple paragraphs at the most, and it should emphasize the hook--the element that will make your story commercial. A well written query will include the basics (at least you don't have it in the post below) such as word count and genre. And it would also include information about the author's writing career--any national writing organizations, writing awards, etc. Finally, it should close with a thank you.

Does that help?