Is it my query letter or the subject matter?

[Paul West]

I've finished writing a historical young adult novel set in the 1960s. I've sent out well over 100 query letters, all with form rejections, if the agents sent anything at all. I can't believe it's my query because I've had it critiqued to death and the latest round of critiques the people who looked at it thought it was great.

So, that leads me to the second part of the question posed in the Discussion Title above. Could it be the subject matter? I've been told YA novels set in the 1960s are a hard sell. Still, I've seen YA novels set in the 1950s that have done well, even winning literary awards. Is one decade all that different?

[Sharon Biggs Waller]

Hi Paul,

Wow! You've got a lot in there. That might be the problem. I had a book that I was tinkering with for years that had a lot going on, too. I met an agent two years ago at the NY SCBWI conference and she was interested in looking at my work. I sent her my mannie and she loved the characters, loved the idea but thought I should run it by a freelance editor. I did in February (best money I ever spent) and she told me I had a great voice, great characterization and plot but had six books in there! So I chose one of the characters and spent the next few months writing her story. A Mad, Wicked Folly is the result, which was one of the winners of the St. Martin's conference. Unfort, my agent passed because she 'didn't fall in love' with the story but she still felt it merited publishing and still promised to look at my other work.

Another thing that helped me focus was the DVD Blockbuster Plots for Children's books. It helped me chart the plot and the scenes and fully grasp the story problem. I highly recommend this DVD. It cost $20.

Have you had anyone critique your work? I have two online writer pals that look at everything I write. They remove the literary toilet paper stuck to my shoe. Don't know what I'd do without them.

Paul West said:

HI Jessica,

If I told you, it would ruin the surprise! Just kidding. No, Mark thinks the ex-boyfriend is the one who killed his parents, and he plots a way to get even, maybe even kill the b.....ard. But the ex is not the one and Mark learns that at the last moment just after the girl jumps in front of the ex and takes the bullet meant for him (and no, she doesn't die - I played with that idea and it didn't work for me). Oh, there's a lot more suspense wrapped in this book that I haven't even hinted at, such as why the ex is after Mark, and how he not only blames Mark for stealing his "chick" but also for the death of his best friend. But all that just leads up to the climax where rivals finally confront each other.

I'm working on an idea for a query that I hope captures the flavor of my novel in two short paragraphs without reading like a synopsis. I've got a rough draft started, but it needs some work yet. I'll post it when I think it's ready.

Thanks again,
Paul

Jessica Milar said:

Hi Paul,

I see you have your heart set on the thriller twist. I know the feeling. If you've ever seen "This Boy's Life" with Leonardo Dicaprio then you know, just like with the film October Sky how powerful just the events happening in these protaq's life were. They were going through things just about anyone could relate to (Robert D was scary good saying "Shut your piehole!"). Maybe something to think about is why your book starts off one way then turns into something else, and if the thriller part is the selling point. I mean, now on top of his parents getting killed the killer is after him (but I'm confused now. Is the boy who killed the protag's parents the same one that kills the girl and is after Mark? Or is that kid the one Mark falsely accuses, and its really another kid?). If you can pull it off, then wow. Keep us updated on your progress.

[Paul West]

Thanks Sharon.

Too much could still be a possibility. When I began writing my first nove (23 years ago, LOL), I figured it would be something adults would read more than kids, so I have several sub-plots. But they all relate to the MC. I have cut a lot of the sub-plots, but the sub-plots I still have all lay the foundation of what comes later, leading up to the climax. So, I can't see how to cut any more. When I originally finished the book it was about 160,000 words. I've cut that down to under 80,000. I had to cut a lot of the sub-plots and major scenes, and combined them with other scenes. It works, I think, but I'm sure someone else who is not close to the story like I am could see more to cut.

Yes, I do have a critique group. They've been wonderful and have helped me make the cuts among other things.

Thanks for your suggestions.

[Paul West]

OK, since some of you have asked me to rework my query and post the results, here is what I have come up with. I hope you will all let me know what you think.
------------------------------------
Dear Agent,

(Flattery if possible or at least something personal) I understand you represent historical or young adult (whichever). I would appreciate your considering my 78,000 word novel titled TITLE HERE.

It’s 1965. The Vietnam War is raging. Boys not much older than Mark Wilkerson are being maimed and killed. President Johnson just initiated the draft lottery and Mark’s greatest fear is he won’t qualify for a student deferment. Because of his fears, he doesn’t appreciate what he has – a loving family, musical talent, high grades in his senior year in high school, that is until he loses his family in a fiery, hit-and-run automobile accident. Now he understands what he’s lost and needs to find the person who caused the accident to get some kind of closure, and maybe even justice. But he has no idea who caused the accident.

Trying to regain some sense of normalcy, he is torn by the love of three girls: Charisse, a popular cheerleader who dazzles him and sees his dancing and musical talents as a way to enhance her own popularity; Genie, who loves him unconditionally, but has an ex-boyfriend, Jeff, who hates nearly everyone, especially draft dodgers, and wants Genie back – no matter what it takes; and his kid sister, Amy, who needs her caring and fun-loving brother back as he is all she has left. When Mark finally makes his choice, he unwittingly becomes the object of a murder plot.

I am pasting the first five pages of my novel into the body of this email for your evaluation (or whatever is required).

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to your response.

[Sharon Biggs Waller]

I like it a lot, but I think you could shorten the second paragraph even more. I don't think you need all the info about the girls. It's reading like a synopsis again. Think of a query like this: you're recommending a book to a friend. How would you describe it in just a few sentences to pique their interest?

Paul West said:

OK, since some of you have asked me to rework my query and post the results, here is what I have come up with. I hope you will all let me know what you think.
------------------------------------
Dear Agent,

(Flattery if possible or at least something personal) I understand you represent historical or young adult (whichever). I would appreciate your considering my 78,000 word novel titled TITLE HERE.

It’s 1965. The Vietnam War is raging. Boys not much older than Mark Wilkerson are being maimed and killed. President Johnson just initiated the draft lottery and Mark’s greatest fear is he won’t qualify for a student deferment. Because of his fears, he doesn’t appreciate what he has – a loving family, musical talent, high grades in his senior year in high school, that is until he loses his family in a fiery, hit-and-run automobile accident. Now he understands what he’s lost and needs to find the person who caused the accident to get some kind of closure, and maybe even justice. But he has no idea who caused the accident.

Trying to regain some sense of normalcy, he is torn by the love of three girls: Charisse, a popular cheerleader who dazzles him and sees his dancing and musical talents as a way to enhance her own popularity; Genie, who loves him unconditionally, but has an ex-boyfriend, Jeff, who hates nearly everyone, especially draft dodgers, and wants Genie back – no matter what it takes; and his kid sister, Amy, who needs her caring and fun-loving brother back as he is all she has left. When Mark finally makes his choice, he unwittingly becomes the object of a murder plot.

I am pasting the first five pages of my novel into the body of this email for your evaluation (or whatever is required).

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to your response.

[Sharon Biggs Waller]

Paul, I had another thought. How is this story about a kid dealing with the draft during the Viet Nam war? That's kind of what your query is alluding to but then it goes off in a different direction. I can't tell if it's a thriller, a love story or a coming-of-age story.

Paul West said:

OK, since some of you have asked me to rework my query and post the results, here is what I have come up with. I hope you will all let me know what you think.
------------------------------------
Dear Agent,

(Flattery if possible or at least something personal) I understand you represent historical or young adult (whichever). I would appreciate your considering my 78,000 word novel titled TITLE HERE.

It’s 1965. The Vietnam War is raging. Boys not much older than Mark Wilkerson are being maimed and killed. President Johnson just initiated the draft lottery and Mark’s greatest fear is he won’t qualify for a student deferment. Because of his fears, he doesn’t appreciate what he has – a loving family, musical talent, high grades in his senior year in high school, that is until he loses his family in a fiery, hit-and-run automobile accident. Now he understands what he’s lost and needs to find the person who caused the accident to get some kind of closure, and maybe even justice. But he has no idea who caused the accident.

Trying to regain some sense of normalcy, he is torn by the love of three girls: Charisse, a popular cheerleader who dazzles him and sees his dancing and musical talents as a way to enhance her own popularity; Genie, who loves him unconditionally, but has an ex-boyfriend, Jeff, who hates nearly everyone, especially draft dodgers, and wants Genie back – no matter what it takes; and his kid sister, Amy, who needs her caring and fun-loving brother back as he is all she has left. When Mark finally makes his choice, he unwittingly becomes the object of a murder plot.

I am pasting the first five pages of my novel into the body of this email for your evaluation (or whatever is required).

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to your response.

[Paul West]

Sharon. Thank you again.

You're right, of course. I guess I'm trying to play up the historical aspect, maybe too much. But he worries about the war until his family is killed, then he realizes what's really important and what he's lost. Does that make any sense?

Sharon Biggs Waller said:

Paul, I had another thought. How is this story about a kid dealing with the draft during the Viet Nam war? That's kind of what your query is alluding to but then it goes off in a different direction.

Paul West said:

OK, since some of you have asked me to rework my query and post the results, here is what I have come up with. I hope you will all let me know what you think.
------------------------------------
Dear Agent,

(Flattery if possible or at least something personal) I understand you represent historical or young adult (whichever). I would appreciate your considering my 78,000 word novel titled TITLE HERE.

It’s 1965. The Vietnam War is raging. Boys not much older than Mark Wilkerson are being maimed and killed. President Johnson just initiated the draft lottery and Mark’s greatest fear is he won’t qualify for a student deferment. Because of his fears, he doesn’t appreciate what he has – a loving family, musical talent, high grades in his senior year in high school, that is until he loses his family in a fiery, hit-and-run automobile accident. Now he understands what he’s lost and needs to find the person who caused the accident to get some kind of closure, and maybe even justice. But he has no idea who caused the accident.

Trying to regain some sense of normalcy, he is torn by the love of three girls: Charisse, a popular cheerleader who dazzles him and sees his dancing and musical talents as a way to enhance her own popularity; Genie, who loves him unconditionally, but has an ex-boyfriend, Jeff, who hates nearly everyone, especially draft dodgers, and wants Genie back – no matter what it takes; and his kid sister, Amy, who needs her caring and fun-loving brother back as he is all she has left. When Mark finally makes his choice, he unwittingly becomes the object of a murder plot.

I am pasting the first five pages of my novel into the body of this email for your evaluation (or whatever is required).

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to your response.

[Tawny Taylor]

I agree--Sharon has a good point.

If the war and draft isn't a major conflict in your story, it's given too much weight in your query--as it stands now, I would assume it is equal in weight to the murder plot.

I'm guessing, instead, that the time period and draft is more like a frame in which your story is set. If this is the case, I would significantly reduce the first paragraph and focus on the primary plot.

Can you tell us in three sentences what your mc's goal, motivation and conflict are? I think this will help--to put it in simple terms first and then build upon it.


Paul West said:

Sharon. Thank you again.

You're right, of course. I guess I'm trying to play up the historical aspect, maybe too much. But he worries about the war until his family is killed, then he realizes what's really important and what he's lost. Does that make any sense?

Sharon Biggs Waller said:

Paul, I had another thought. How is this story about a kid dealing with the draft during the Viet Nam war? That's kind of what your query is alluding to but then it goes off in a different direction.

Paul West said:

OK, since some of you have asked me to rework my query and post the results, here is what I have come up with. I hope you will all let me know what you think.
------------------------------------
Dear Agent,

(Flattery if possible or at least something personal) I understand you represent historical or young adult (whichever). I would appreciate your considering my 78,000 word novel titled TITLE HERE.

It’s 1965. The Vietnam War is raging. Boys not much older than Mark Wilkerson are being maimed and killed. President Johnson just initiated the draft lottery and Mark’s greatest fear is he won’t qualify for a student deferment. Because of his fears, he doesn’t appreciate what he has – a loving family, musical talent, high grades in his senior year in high school, that is until he loses his family in a fiery, hit-and-run automobile accident. Now he understands what he’s lost and needs to find the person who caused the accident to get some kind of closure, and maybe even justice. But he has no idea who caused the accident.

Trying to regain some sense of normalcy, he is torn by the love of three girls: Charisse, a popular cheerleader who dazzles him and sees his dancing and musical talents as a way to enhance her own popularity; Genie, who loves him unconditionally, but has an ex-boyfriend, Jeff, who hates nearly everyone, especially draft dodgers, and wants Genie back – no matter what it takes; and his kid sister, Amy, who needs her caring and fun-loving brother back as he is all she has left. When Mark finally makes his choice, he unwittingly becomes the object of a murder plot.

I am pasting the first five pages of my novel into the body of this email for your evaluation (or whatever is required).

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to your response.

[Paul West]

Actually, one of the antagonist's big gripes about the MC is that he's probably going to dodge the draft by getting a student deferment. The war and the draft do play a role, though not as much as the antagonist's jealousy over the MC stealing his "chick." I'll try to cut down the emphasis on the war.

Tawny Taylor said:

I agree--Sharon has a good point.

If the war and draft isn't a major conflict in your story, it's given too much weight in your query--as it stands now, I would assume it is equal in weight to the murder plot.

I'm guessing, instead, that the time period and draft is more like a frame in which your story is set. If this is the case, I would significantly reduce the first paragraph and focus on the primary plot.

Can you tell us in three sentences what your mc's goal, motivation and conflict are? I think this will help--to put it in simple terms first and then build upon it.

[Sharon Biggs Waller]

I write historical fiction too and it's really important to make sure it's about something more than just that historical time period. So it should have unrequited love, danger, espionage, mystery, paranormal happenings, etc. I was in a writer's intensive with Wendy Loggia who edited Libba Bray's A Sweet, Far Thing and she pointed that out to me. Yes, my book is about suffragettes but it's also about a girl who wants her own independence. So it's linked because the suffragettes were fighting for independence, but ultimately it's Vicky's coming of age story. And of course there is a romance, because you just have to have that!

The subject of historical settings came up in at the same conference and the editor was saying that if you are setting your story in the past then you'd better have a good reason for doing so. Historical settings are more than settings they are characters. The Edwardian period was a time of great change for women but it was still a time where women had little voice. The setting changes and grows along with my character.

I LOVE the idea of a Viet Nam era book. I think you might want to rethink using it. How does it thwart your character? Help him grow? Change him? All while he's trying to find some sort of life as a draft dodger?

Again, I really think you would like the Blockbuster Plots book and DVD. Have a look at the website: www.blockbusterplots.com. There is lots of free stuff there and you can sign up for the monthly newsletter. I'm in the middle of tracking my book using her tools and techniques. Basically you chart the scenes and make a line graph for the plot on a long sheet of banner paper. You can step back and make sure you have all the elements needed for a scene and that your plot is progressing in the right direction. It will really help you out.

[Paul West]

I guess I should add, that the antagonist becomes biggest draft dodger when he commits suicide at the end. All through the story, he hates the MC because of his wanting to go to college rather than join the army and fight the VC. Of course, his biggest reason for hatred is that the MC stole his "chick."

[Jessica Milar]

Hi Paul,

This last sentence in your new query: When Mark finally makes his choice, he unwittingly becomes the object of a murder plot.

It threw me right out of the flow I had going as I read your new query. I thought the revision was quite good. Now the ending sort of tacks on a CSI type twist, and I wonder if that's part of the problem. From how you describe Mark's seriously crazy hater, I can see that's a plot you enjoy sharing. So now the story becomes a suspense thriller, which was maybe what it was all along. You can only go where your writing takes you. Now I'm curious regarding which POV you're writing in. Is this first person or shifting points of view? And since it now seems to be a test of wills between Mark and the killer, I have to say that something as important as the Vietnam War and the main character's parent's deaths now become a side item, and I wonder how you compensate for that, on top of his seeking love. I guess what I'm saying is this, if I tease a reader or an agent with a major event, like say the civil rights marches but then I turn around and say, but during the civil rights march my character witnesses a murder and she goes about trying to solve it, maybe the strength of my story was in the civil rights march through the eyes of this teen. Or maybe its the murder, but I need to know where the strength of the story is and convey that in my query. I need to know why my character does what she/he does, and that they shape the events in their lives, not the other way around. Because if I'm not careful, I'll just have them reacting to things without any realness to it. That's always the danger when so much is going on, that something will not be fully fleshed out. I might jump to another section or another POV when I should have stayed in the moment.

[Jessica Milar]

Hi Paul,

I just read something shocking about a 17 year old killing his younger brother, and I guess that's the reason I think you've got two major storylines (or perhaps three) going on here. The main villain, the one who causes Mark's parents to crash, well I think with one so young being able to kill so easily (I believe you say he also kills the girl while trying to kill Mark) now that is a something that might compete with your main protag. See, its like Mark is being set up to be the "good" one, while the other guy is clearly the bad guy because he's so wicked. So I wonder, if the Vietnam war is part of your plot to show which one society believes is the good guy -the killer who decides to go off to war like a good soldier, or Mark, who has mixed feelings about fighting, and his reluctance could make him the bad guy in the eyes of society during that timeperiod. Just wondering.