Is it my query letter or the subject matter?

[Paul West]

I've finished writing a historical young adult novel set in the 1960s. I've sent out well over 100 query letters, all with form rejections, if the agents sent anything at all. I can't believe it's my query because I've had it critiqued to death and the latest round of critiques the people who looked at it thought it was great.

So, that leads me to the second part of the question posed in the Discussion Title above. Could it be the subject matter? I've been told YA novels set in the 1960s are a hard sell. Still, I've seen YA novels set in the 1950s that have done well, even winning literary awards. Is one decade all that different?

[Kathleen(Kapybara)]

I remember your first query from AW. I agree with the comments that there may be too much detail in here. Right now it seems a bit like a list of things which happen to Mark without a real sense of his character.

The story itself sounds really interesting.

[Paul West]

Thank you, everyone who commented. It helps, though I'm still frustrated. I've read dozens of successful queries and have tried to emulate their methods, but I'm still not getting it. How do I show what the book is about without showing a little of what happens?

OK. I'm going to brainstorm here, if y'all don't mind.

Who is the main character: Mark. He's musically talented, a straight-A student, and hopes to get a student deferment from the draft. But all that changes when his family dies in an auto crash.

What does he want: Revenge, and to get back to normal.

Why can't he have it? At first, he doesn't know who killed his parents. So trying to get back to normal, he needs to find the right girlfriend, but the one he chooses has an ex-boyfriend who has his own vendetta -- to kill Mark for stealing his "chick." Mark thinks the ex is the one who killed his family and he wants to kill the ex, but when he learns the truth from his cousin he has to make a choice between revenge and forgiveness.

I think that is the essence of the story. Now, I need to put it all together in a compelling way. I'll work on it some more.

Thanks again for all your great comments and suggestions.

Paul

[Angela Corbett]

Hi Paul,

I agree with Tawny and think your query reads more like a synopsis. The story sounds good; if you can shorten it to a paragraph I think you will get some partial requests. When I was writing my query I read some query advice from agent Nathan Bransford. He wrote a mad-libs version of a query on his blog and it really helped me to summarize my query. Here's the blog link. http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2008/03/query-letter-mad-lib.html

Angela :)

[Tawny Taylor]

What a fun/unique way to summarize a query, LOL. Nathan Bransford's my hero.

If you read this blog entry, you'll see he's basically looking for the same thing: who is the protag, what does he want/need and why can't he have it? But he says it in a much more creative/fun way :)

Now, about your story specifically: not trying to be a smart aleck, but why does your hero feel he needs the right girlfriend to get his life back to normal?

I'm still not clear what it is he needs (deep inside) and what he's doing to get it. What is his goal? What is his grail? Is "revenge" a compelling goal for a hero? Or is there another word that would bring more sympathy to his character? Closure, perhaps? Or justice? I'm not trying to change your story; I'm just trying to help you summarize it in the most compelling light.

Angela Corbett said:

Hi Paul,

I agree with Tawny and think your query reads more like a synopsis. The story sounds good; if you can shorten it to a paragraph I think you will get some partial requests. When I was writing my query I read some query advice from agent Nathan Bransford. He wrote a mad-libs version of a query on his blog and it really helped me to summarize my query. Here's the blog link. http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2008/03/query-letter-mad-lib.html

Angela :)

[Paul West]

Thank you again -- everyone who has commented and tried to help me with my query.

I've been struggling for a long time with what everyone keeps telling me that my query reads more like a synopsis than a query. For a long time I haven't been able to figure out what everyone means by that. Now, after examining Nathan Bransford's formula and some of the examples in the follow-up comments, I think I'm beginning to get it. Right now, I'm trying to brainstorm some ideas that I'll probably ask your opinions about when I come up with something concrete.

Thank you again. I really think this has helped.

Paul

[Jessica Milar]

Hi Paul,

I've think you've got something special here, if you can pull out the quality in your book that will make an agent connect with it. When I read your old and revised query, what struck me was how many problems this kid is facing at such a young age. You've got a lot going on, but sometimes it can work in your favor. Have you ever seen the movie October Sky? Something about your query reminds me of that movie. Your protag is worried about being drafted. From what we now see about the Vietnam war, I don't blame him. But not only that, the war will take him away from everyone he loves. Only fate steps in and takes away his parents. The grief alone could make him distant from his little sister, who needs him more than ever now. He's her big brother, and they should grieve together. But maybe he can't. And maybe, because of his grief the girl or girls he was interested in get pushed away also, except the one who truly loves him won't let him push her out his life.
I understand he would be mad enough to want to get the killer, and I see where you have one of the girls he's interested in playing a key role in the plot, but in your query, for me it now turns into a thriller, where I first connected with the character because of his unjust circumstances and wondered if he'd be strong enough to endure. I wondered if another adult would step up and help him, or would he find peace in religion. And most of all I wondered how he'd finish (if he was in school) and how he'd do it. As the author only you know where your novel will go. But I just thought I'd share my observation on your query. I wish you all the best.

[Sharon Biggs Waller]

Hi Paul,
The main deal is you have to get in and out quickly. Brevity is key here. I took a Writer's Market webinar a couple weeks ago and it was so worth it. The webinar was very informative but the editor also critiqued each person's query during the lecture (she used them as examples). Mine was chosen as a good example for a beginning but as a so-so example for the hook because it was too long (and we're talking one paragraph). I would recommend taking that webinar. It's really worth it.

Here is my final, edited copy (this query got me a full reading at Andrea Brown Literary Agency) for my historical novel set in the Edwardian era. I put some notes in caps.

Dear Ms. ___:

I attended your breakout session at the 2009 SCBWI NY conference. When I asked about historical romances you said you “loved a good bodice ripper.” I have such a book. A Mad, Wicked Folly is a 70,000 word YA novel that twists the classic tale of teen rebellion, only in this case the rebellious teenager becomes a suffragette. It’s a story of romance and suspense set in the Edwardian era in London. INCLUDE THE WORD COUNT, AGE, GENRE AND WHAT THE TWIST IS.

THEN FOLLOW WITH THE STORY/CHARACTER PROBLEM. JUST TOUCH ON IT.

Stifled by parents who cling to old-fashioned values, Victoria Darling struggles to find her own voice. Young women of all classes admire the daring suffragettes, and Vicky longs to join them. But when her father arranges for her to be married to Edmund Fawcett, an upper class boy she hates, Vicky’s dreams of independence are dashed. Ignoring the reality of her impending marriage, she sneaks out to be with Martin Lewis, a young police constable, and the suffragettes, but destroys lives in the process. Vicky must find a way to make things right, even if it means sacrificing her own happiness.

IF RESEARCH IS IMPORTANT INCLUDE HERE:
I lived in the UK for six years, and have met with curators of the London Museum. I learned things like how imprisoned suffragettes were made to eat a foul porridge called stirabout. I also remember a photo of a 16-year-old suffragette screaming at a taunting crowd while being arrested by two policemen.

ANY PUBLISHING CREDS OR MEMBERSHIP IN SCBWI, ETC.
I’m a full-time freelance writer in the magazine industry in the US and UK, and I have two non-fiction books published: In One Arena (Half Halt Press), and Advanced English Horsemanship (Bow Tie Press). I’ve included a synopsis, the first three chapters and an outline.



Best wishes,

So slash and burn. And I mean use a weed wacker. Boil it down to the bare bones!

Sharon

[Sharon Biggs Waller]

Paul,
I wanted to add about historical novels in the 50s and 60s. Read 'What I Saw and How I Lied' by Judy Blundell (Simon Pulse). That YA novel is set in the 50s and it won the National Book Award.

Don't worry about what's selling and what isn't. I went to a big writer's conference in '99 and the keynote speaker (an editor from a big pub house) said YA is dead, stop writing it, no one reads it. The Perks of Being a Wallflower came out and (MTV press published it because there WERE no publishers for YA) and everyone started scrambling for new YA voices. I think a book about the Viet Nam war would be great, especially with a boy character, which is so needed right now. I go to a lot of conferences and I'm always hearing more boys in YA please.

I think your query is too rambling and unfocused. This tells agents and eds that your book must be unfocused too. Even if it isn't.

[Paul West]

Hi Jessica,

Some good observations. I think I understand what you're saying, though I do get pretty dense at times -- ask my family.

Yes, I remember October Sky. It's one of my favorite movies. I don't know if it was ever in novel form, but I would like to read it if so.

You've given me some things to consider, and I appreciate that. I'm not sure how to down play the thriller aspect, but it does start out like you said, a story about a boy worried about being drafted and grieving over his lost family. But, about half-way through the novel he discovers evidence that leads him to accuse another boy of causing the accident, and that boy is jealous of Mark's attentions to his former girlfriend and threatens to kill Mark in retaliation, thinking that would help him get her back.

I know that's all kind of rambling, and I have to work on getting this clarified.

Thanks again for your help. It does help.

[Paul West]

Hi Sharon,

I had to laugh when you suggested I read 'What I Saw and How I Lied' by Judy Blundell (Simon Pulse). I just finished it. I think it was more literary fiction than what I've written, yet mine could still be considered literary too.

I'm working up a new approach to my query, based on all that everyone here has given me.

My thanks to you and everyone else who has helped. I think I'm beginning to get the idea. I'll post what I've come up with when I get it ironed out.

Sharon Biggs Waller said:

Paul,
I wanted to add about historical novels in the 50s and 60s. Read 'What I Saw and How I Lied' by Judy Blundell (Simon Pulse). That YA novel is set in the 50s and it won the National Book Award.

Don't worry about what's selling and what isn't. I went to a big writer's conference in '99 and the keynote speaker (an editor from a big pub house) said YA is dead, stop writing it, no one reads it. The Perks of Being a Wallflower came out and (MTV press published it because there WERE no publishers for YA) and everyone started scrambling for new YA voices. I think a book about the Viet Nam war would be great, especially with a boy character, which is so needed right now. I go to a lot of conferences and I'm always hearing more boys in YA please.

I think your query is too rambling and unfocused. This tells agents and eds that your book must be unfocused too. Even if it isn't.

[Jessica Milar]

Hi Paul,

I see you have your heart set on the thriller twist. I know the feeling. If you've ever seen "This Boy's Life" with Leonardo Dicaprio then you know, just like with the film October Sky how powerful just the events happening in these protaq's life were. They were going through things just about anyone could relate to (Robert D was scary good saying "Shut your piehole!"). Maybe something to think about is why your book starts off one way then turns into something else, and if the thriller part is the selling point. I mean, now on top of his parents getting killed the killer is after him (but I'm confused now. Is the boy who killed the protag's parents the same one that kills the girl and is after Mark? Or is that kid the one Mark falsely accuses, and its really another kid?). If you can pull it off, then wow. Keep us updated on your progress.

[Paul West]

HI Jessica,

If I told you, it would ruin the surprise! Just kidding. No, Mark thinks the ex-boyfriend is the one who killed his parents, and he plots a way to get even, maybe even kill the b.....ard. But the ex is not the one and Mark learns that at the last moment just after the girl jumps in front of the ex and takes the bullet meant for him (and no, she doesn't die - I played with that idea and it didn't work for me). Oh, there's a lot more suspense wrapped in this book that I haven't even hinted at, such as why the ex is after Mark, and how he not only blames Mark for stealing his "chick" but also for the death of his best friend. But all that just leads up to the climax where rivals finally confront each other.

I'm working on an idea for a query that I hope captures the flavor of my novel in two short paragraphs without reading like a synopsis. I've got a rough draft started, but it needs some work yet. I'll post it when I think it's ready.

Thanks again,
Paul

Jessica Milar said:

Hi Paul,

I see you have your heart set on the thriller twist. I know the feeling. If you've ever seen "This Boy's Life" with Leonardo Dicaprio then you know, just like with the film October Sky how powerful just the events happening in these protaq's life were. They were going through things just about anyone could relate to (Robert D was scary good saying "Shut your piehole!"). Maybe something to think about is why your book starts off one way then turns into something else, and if the thriller part is the selling point. I mean, now on top of his parents getting killed the killer is after him (but I'm confused now. Is the boy who killed the protag's parents the same one that kills the girl and is after Mark? Or is that kid the one Mark falsely accuses, and its really another kid?). If you can pull it off, then wow. Keep us updated on your progress.